Tag: history

That’s the way

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“Honestly, I have no idea what this means,” said Foster, running the tickertape through his hands. “I just like the feel of the paper and I look good doing it.”
“How about a graph?” said Duke. He flicked on the overhead projector light, and a black line wiggled down… down… down…
“We’re broke!” screamed Foster.
“No we’re not,” said Duke.
“The market’s crashed!” yelled Foster. “It’s all over!”
Foster jumped out the window, pulling a tickertape trail all the way down.
Duke looked up at the graph and said “oops.”
He reached for the transparency and flipped it back around.

Oh, Jesus

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“Barbaras! You’re free!”
The soldiers cut Jesus down.
“But I’m not Barbaras,” said Jesus.
“Get lost, Barbaras,” said the soldiers.
“But… but…’
“GO!” they shouted.
Jesus ran for the hills.

“I’m Barbaras!” shouted the thief from his cross.
“Liar, Nazarene!” said a soldier, spearing him in the gut.

“I guess they got us mixed up,” Jesus mumbled, rubbing his aching palms.
Jesus looked at his reflection in the pond. What a bloody mess.
“The guys are never going to believe this one,” he said. “It’ll be as if… as if…”
Jesus grinned.
“I came back from the dead!”
Laughter.

God bless us. Each and ev- *THUD*

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Scrooge looked at the anonymous headstone and laughed.
“Is this what you brought me here for, Spirit?” he cackled. “Who in blazes is this?”
Death’s skeletal hand reached into his robe, pulled out a dusty ledger, and shrugged.
“Ummmmmmmm,” it said. “Dunno. Sorry.”
“This means nothing,” said Scrooge. “I can afford the best doctors. The best of the best. I’ve got plenty of sand in my hourglass, asshole.”
When Scrooge woke up, he hired a few men from the docks to pay Cratchitt’s family a visit.
“KILL!”
Let’s just say that Tiny Tim wasn’t the only one who needed crutches.

Rush job

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Malakas the Sculptor hated rush jobs.
He preferred to plan out his work, drawing up the plans and measuring out the perfect proportions for everything. Sharpening chisels and testing the material was his favorite part of the process, not the actual work.
Fat chance. The king was due back in Athens tomorrow, and the priests needed the temple frieze completed tonight.
So, Malakas worked. And he drank. Heavily.
The intricate battle scene turned into a screed mocking King Demetrius. By the time he fit the last word in, the priests saw what he was doing, screamed, and had him executed.

Bend over for justice!

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It didn’t take long for Isaac Parker to establish himself as “The Hanging Judge” when he came to Ft. Smith in 1875, but have you ever heard of “The Shove A Wild Monkey Up Their Ass Judge?”
Unlike Parker, Judge Augustus Marmoset had absolutely no compassion whatsoever, even for the victims. They were just as likely to hear “Shove a monkey up that son of a bitch!” as criminals dragged into his court.
Back then, monkeys were rare and expensive, so he eventually ran out.
That’s when he started using midgets in monkey suits…
Oh, NOW you’ve heard of him?

The off-season

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A boot strikes the beach, then a knee, a large metal helmet with a ridiculous amount of plumage, and finally a Spanish Flag.
“I claim this land in the name of Queen Isabella,” cries the explorer.
Thirty feet down the beach, the same process is repeated for the glory of Portugal. Fifty feet beyond that, God is implored to save the British Queen.
Soon, the beach was filled with flag-waving, angry explorers.
Concealed in the tall grass, the natives laughed.
“Two bushels of maize on Birdman,” said Walks With Limp to Sneaking Weasel.
“In the end,” mumbled Shaman, “we lose.”

Questo spazio in bianco intenzionalmente lasciato della pagina

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After the DaVinci Code came out, everything Galileo ever wrote or painted was searched for hidden messages. X-Rays, magnetic waves, deep-radar signals, and refractive lasers wobbled the molecules to and fro until the researchers declared there was nothing to find.
Or as they say in Italy: “Niente!”
Then someone realized that Galileo invented the “This page intentionally left blank” page.
That someone was me.
Know what you get when you rip all those blank pages from his diaries and journals, rub them with a lemon, and hold a match up to them?
Arrested.
But now I know God’s shoe size.