From her shelf, the doll watched the girl sleep night after night.
“If the Tooth Fairy leaves quarters under her pillow for teeth, what might I get for fingers or toes?” she pondered.
Climbing down from her shelf, she walked to the sewing table and reached for the scissors.
They slid off the table and fell, slicing off the doll’s head.
The girl blamed her little brother for the attack, and sewed the doll’s head back on.
Grateful, the doll never thought about cutting off the girl’s fingers and toes ever again.
Her little brother, though, that was another matter…
Tag: sick
Hospital Stay
Ned’s a great guy, always the life of the party keeping everyone in stitches.
Generous, too. Always looking out for other people, the first to pass the hat and chip in.
So, when he broke his leg and went to the hospital, the nurses and doctor and staff enjoyed Ned’s time there.
So positive. So upbeat.
And they didn’t want it to end.
The doctors said there were “complications” and they kept him a week… then two… three… just making sure…
A clot in Ned’s leg killed him.
Even worse, now the funeral director doesn’t want to let him go.
Ice Queen
She was the most beautiful woman in all the land, but The Ice Queen’s heart was no man’s to own.
The Sun Prince, captivated by her beauty, asked Merlin The Wizard for advice.
“Take this potion,” he said. “It will melt the ice from her heart.”
The Prince set out at dawn, and made the queen’s castle in a week.
Slipping the potion into her wine, he watched as the Queen’s face turned to shock, then agony.
Merlin arrived the next day, not expecting two corpses.
“Her heart wasn’t covered with ice,” said the Prince’s suicide note. “It WAS ice.”
Who Rules The Body?
“Who rules the body, the heart or the head?
Perhaps it is both, for with neither, we’re dead!
But then, so many parts, without which we would die
And others, like hands, upon which we rely
You can live without eyes, or a tongue, or an ear
Sure, it is nice, if you can see, taste or hear
Fingernails aren’t life-threatening parts in the least
Until they’re clipped during dinner, then you’re as good as deceased.”
I blinked the blood out of my eyes and looked up at the torturer.
“Please kill me before you read me another of those.”
The Diggers
It’s a common thing for gravediggers to moonlight as graverobbers these days.
They steal what the mortician doesn’t steal, cannot steal when the casket is open, picking the carcass clean.
“What good will this tiara do the dead? Are they planning on attending the ball later?”
“Gold frames for eyes forever shut!”
“If they didn’t want to leave this fine ring to their children, then they didn’t raise them right!”
“I’ll pay for the dentist appointment myself and return their gold fillings the moment they complain of a toothache!”
And back to the church they go, to collect their due.
Relativism
I watched the tape of the Filipinos nailing themselves to crosses and winced.
I winced harder at the sight of Muslims whipping themselves bloody on Ashura.
What kind of God makes his followers hurt themselves like that?
I shook my head, closed up the laptop, and headed to my aunt’s house for the family’s Passover feast.
Usually, my mom cooked, but my aunt insisted this year.
I parked the car, and as I stepped on to the porch…
Oh, god! The stench!
Got a spare cross handy? How about a chain?
I’ll suffer anything but having to eat this crap!
Three Little Gods
The first little pig built his god out of straw.
The second little pig built his god out of wood.
The third little pig built his god out of stone.
They fought amongst themselves as to which followed the true faith.
The wolf didn’t believe in any religious nonsense, but he was good at faking it.
One by one, he let the pigs “convert” him, taking all three of his would-be saviors captive.
The stone, he used for a roasting pit.
The wood made an excellent frame.
And the straw lit easily.
“By the gods, so delicious,” moaned the wolf.
Good Eatin
We needed to get into town to pick up supplies, so we got in the boat and headed for the mainland.
It was a calm day, so we fired up the motor, despite manatee safety restrictions in the area.
Sure enough, we heard a loud WHUMP! and we fell to the deck.
I lost my sunglasses in the water. Damn.
Oh well.
I looked to see what we’d hit.
A dead manatee, floating on the surface.
“What wine goes with manatee?” I asked.
The captain grinned and pulled out a bottle. “This.”
We hauled it aboard and dashed back home.
Soup
I never make my grandmother’s soup recipe for anyone anymore.
I used to make it all the time.
And every time I made it, people said they love it.
Really loved it.
But they carry their love too far.
When asked “If you love it so much, why don’t you marry it?” they often say “YES, I WILL!”
Every time, it’s the same thing:
Whirlwind romance, big wedding, crazy honeymoon, and then a nasty bitter divorce.
If there’s any bright side to all this, it’s that I’ve ended up with all the soup spoons, bowls, and stockpots I’ll ever need.
Franchise Orgy
Okay, so Ronald McDonald opened up his house to families with children receiving critical medical treatment, but have you ever heard about the wild parties at his apartment in the city?
Yeah, I got photos and videos.
Ronald and the Burger King double-teaming Wendy.
The Colonel giving head to Carl, and the Taco Bell dog humping everybody’s leg.
And Jack… well, you can guess what Jack was doing.
They’ve offered me free food for the tapes and the memory cards, but, there’s no way I’d do that.
Not after what I saw them do with those burgers at the party.