We’re having a fundraiser at work for the American Heart Association.
Make your own Ice Cream Sundaes.
Ice cream for heart research, right?
Makes as much sense as candy bars for Diabetes or strobe lights for Epilepsy.
I’m on a diet and can’t eat ice cream. But I love it so much.
So delicious.
So tempting.
NO! I cannot do this!
I must not give in! Stay strong!
I must make my saving throw against ice cream.
Work… work… work… do not think about the ice cream… work… work…
Then, I realize it’s time to go home.
Saving throw made.
Tag: food
Multiplying
Long ago, my Christian friends tried to teach me about Jesus.
So, I sat there and listened while they regurgitated everything they’d learned in Sunday School.
I agreed that the guy sounded like a really cool dude and did some amazing things, but I never understood the whole “multiplying the loaves and the fishes” miracle.
Sure, I was good at Math, but I never figured out how someone could multiply bread by a fish.
“What’s pumpernickel times trout?” I asked them. “Or whole wheat times salmon?”
In the end, they thought me a heretic.
Whatever. Their math is still fishy.
The Trouble With Truffles
The trouble with truffles
Is how much they cost
If the truffle is bad
Think how much you’ve lost
Dull aroma? Dull flavor?
Yes? And you simmered it right?
Then you must go to the store
And prepare for a fight!
The store owner laughs twice
“What are you, a dope?
It’s no truffle at all,
But a bar of black soap!”
“Then where is my truffle?”
Your blind rage is all spent.
Falling down to the floor
And then notice… your scent.
Back home in your shower
Sitting there in a tray
Is a decaying truffle
melting slowly away.
Points
My fat pal Bob and I got stuck behind a chick on a bicycle.
“How many points you think she’s worth?” Bob asks.
“Vehicular homicide is six,” I said.
“No,” said Bob. “Weight Watchers points.”
We pulled alongside the cyclist and I gave her a good look-over.
“Not much fat,” I said. “Thirty or so.”
Bob swerved, and knocked her down.
Helmet saved her, but I finished her off and got her in the trunk.
Bob cooked and ate her.
“Yeah,” said Bob, patting his stomach. “That hit the spot.”
I killed Bob and ate him.
Fifty points, I’d say.
Unfusion
It looks simple, doesn’t it?
Get a cruet, pour in olive oil, toss in a few peppers or basil leaves. Maybe some rosemary.
Let it sit, and the flavor gets all infused and stuff.
So, I gave it a try, buying gallons of olive oil and a dozen cruets.
I filled them all up and put different herbs in each.
The taste was subtle, but enjoyable.
That’s when I started to feel the stomach pains, and I ran to the bathroom, shitting blood.
Yeah, you’re supposed to dry the herbs and heat the oil.
Otherwise, it gets infused with botulism.
Turtle Wax Soup
Thanks for coming to dinner. I’ve prepared something special.
No, not my turtle soup. Turtles have gotten too rare and expensive to put in turtle soup.
And it’s cruel to the turtles.
Hence, my latest creation: Turtle Wax Soup.
Mmmmmmmm. Turtle Wax Soup.
Sure, it’s a bit thick. Almost a pudding.
And it’s not terribly appetizing. Tastes like car wax.
(Which, I suppose, it is.)
Yes, the oyster crackers is made from oyster shells. Picked them out of the neighbor’s driveway myself.
Just as I took his bottle of Turtle Wax while he took a break from washing his car.
Cabbage Rolls
Welcome to Armpitsburgh.
Here, have a cabbage roll.
We make the best cabbage rolls here.
Especially with the Cabbage Roll Festival coming up next week.
Everybody makes their best cabbage rolls, brings them out to the town square, and we hold a Cabbage Roll Dance.
Then, Miss Cabbage Roll is crowned and she chooses her mate.
We circle around the happy couple with pickaxes, they fornicate, and the prince is beheaded.
Then his head is mounted on a pike.
Say, I notice the lack of a ring on your finger.
Oh, you’re leaving on Friday?
Darn.
Have another cabbage roll?
Bacon Man
When Bacon Man
Has no bacon
He grabs a bottle
Of bacon-flavored syrup
Made by Torani
The syrup experts
And with his
Mighty fist
Twists off the cap
While cursing the world
For the lack
Of real
God’s-honest bacon
Within reach
“Where is my bacon?”
Shouts Bacon Man
“What is Bacon Man
Without bacon?”
Nobody answers
He stares
Angrily
At the bottle
Raises it
To his lips
And drinks
It’s not bacon
But it’s bacon enough
For Bacon Man
He drinks
And drinks
And drinks
Until the bottle
Is empty
Bacon Man belches
Drops the bottle
And sits there
Scowling
Blend
Would you like some coffee?
No?
Oh, you’d like some of this tea?
Well, I’m sorry, but I can’t give you any.
You see, it’s a special blend made just for me by this Chinese holistic herbal doctor I know.
I have no idea what’s in it, but he said it’s something for me and only me to drink.
What would happen if I gave you some?
I don’t know, but I can give you his card.
What? You can’t read it? It’s blank?
But, I can… um… I think I’ll pour out this tea and put some coffee on.
The Feast Of Saint Walter
Unlike other feasts for saints, The Feast For Saint Walter is unique in the fact it does not involve any elaborate preparations, but involves eating from a dumpster.
That’s right. A dumpster.
Walter was flat-ass broke when he was alive, bumming money from everybody.
I always said “It’s a miracle that people still give that dude money.”
Bob once told me “It’s a miracle his wife hasn’t thrown his broke ass out.”
He was rummaging through a dumpster and hit his head on the lid when the truck came.
Martyrdom through compaction.
Hey, is that an orange rind?
Walter provides!