The state quarters program was a hit with collectors, so The Mint tried it with presidents and dollar coins.
That program wasn’t a hit, and not only did warehouses fill up with uncirculated presidential dollar coins, but the bill that funded the program required that Sacagawea dollar coins be produced, too.
Also unwanted, helping fill up the warehouses faster.
This program went on for years, wasting money, until a radio show exposed the waste and Congress de-authorized the program, halting production.
Deep in the warehouses, an old Scottish duck climbs a shelf and swan dives into the pile, laughing hysterically.
Tag: society
Otis
There are two Saint Otises of Prague.
The first Otis is the Patron Saint of Elevators Going Up.
The other Otis is the Patron Saint of Elevators Going Down.
They were martyred when their elevators collided.
How elevators in separate shafts collide was a total mystery, and the priest who was called to deliver last rites to the two Otises declared it a miracle.
The Vatican handled the rest.
And this is why you see OTIS on every elevator.
Well, the ones that the Saint Otises watch over.
There’s no Otis on this one?
Um, I’ll take the stairs then.
Cart Racers
After watching the bobsledders racing down the track at the Olympics, I got my friends together and we came up with The Shopping Cart Races.
Late last night, we got really drunk and stormed a grocery store parking lot, setting up carts in the parking lot to mark out a course.
Then, we formed teams of four, three people in a cart, and the fourth pushing as hard as they could before jumping in and riding along.
The first team discovered they couldn’t steer.
Instead, they tipped over and crashed.
Just a few scrapes and bruises. And no gold medals.
Limber Me Timbers
When Jill finished her Phys Ed and Business degrees, she opened up a yoga studio.
Business was good, plenty of young mothers and forty-somethings needing to lose a few pounds, or keep pounds away.
Then, Wii Fit and other cheaper options came out, followed by the recession.
She tried pilates classes, but those didn’t draw.
“Try a GroupOn,” said a friend.
Half-off coupons brought in a wave of signups to her studio.
Then… disaster.
First day, the room was filled with buccaneers.
One waved a printout in his good hand.
“Yarrr, I signed up fer Pirates classes!”
Damn you, Autocorrect!
Radio Over Radio
I don’t listen to radio over the radio anymore.
I listen to it through podcasts and through audio streams on the Internet.
Although, if you think about it, that stuff transmits over radio.
Wireless travels by radio.
A different part of the spectrum. Different set of frequencies.
So, instead of listening to radio over radio’s radio, I listen to radio over the radio that radio doesn’t own.
Streams through the air.
Rivers of music and talk and news and hopes and dreams.
Through the air.
Radio. Over the radio, without radio.
I don’t listen to the radio anymore.
Over radio.
Blind Justice
Maybe back in the days of the Ancients, Perseus would have cut off a Gorgon’s head and bagged it, but today we’ve got a little something called The Law.
And nobody’s actually passed a law against petrification besides First Degree Assault By Witchcraft.
Lawyers say it’s not like she’s killed anyone. Just turned them to stone, that’s all.
“If there’s a magical curse of the Gods that petrifies people, then there’s probably a blessing that depetrifies them.”
We send in the robots, fire up the speakers, read her rights to her, and she asks for an attorney.
A blind attorney.
Insanity
You know that Dave’s Insanity Sauce, the really hot hot sauce?
For some reason, people buy stuff that hurts them. It’s a macho thing, I guess.
Well, my client Dr. Odd is suing them for false advertising.
He says that despite the fact that the sauce causes discomfort to the point of mental duress, it doesn’t actually drive the person consuming it to a state of mental illness.
On the other hand, he’s developed formulas that will cause any range of madnesses, temporary and permanent.
True insanity sauces.
And those Dave’s people are ruining his business with their snake oil.
Queen
For the longest time, people wondered what The Queen kept in her little purse.
With all the assistants and bodyguards around her, offering her things when she needed them, there really wasn’t anything she needed to carry herself.
There wasn’t anything private in her life, either. Everybody knew everything in her life down to the color of the underwear she was wearing. (If she was wearing underwear.)
So, wild speculation went about with people betting on what was in her purse.
Breath mints?
Gum?
A phone?
A dildo?
It contained, in fact, nothing.
She just liked to fuck with people.
Isaac
The Council of Giants gathered at Stoneheart Castle for their monthly meeting.
The Chairman called on The Treasurer to check the cashbox.
“Seventy three gold coins,” said The Treasurer. “How much was that telescope again?”
“Eighty,” said Greybeard Boulderballs.
“Can’t we get a discount or put down a deposit?” said the Chairman. “We’re the Council of Giants, for Thor’s sake.”
“I asked,” said Greybeard. “Eighty’s already dealer’s price.”
“Maybe if we bought this Isaac Newton fellow softer-soled shoes?” offered Oakshield Mightyfists. “You know, for when he stands on our shoulders?”
Greybeard promised to check on pricing, and The Council adjourned.
Yard Sale
I bought a ghost.
At a yard sale.
Although, it was technically an estate sale, considering it was all the ghost’s stuff being sold off.
And I didn’t mean to buy the ghost. I wanted to buy a sweater, some coffee mugs, and a really slick blender.
The ghost apparently came with all that stuff.
I asked for my money back, but they had a big NO REFUNDS sign.
And ALL SALES FINAL, so I couldn’t just give the stuff back.
It’s a nice sweater. And the blender’s nice and loud. Covers the ghost’s moaning and rattling chains.
More coffee?