Fred the assassin

Fred was an assassin.
That’s what he put on his taxes: Assassin.
He killed for money.
But not just anyone.
He only killed IRS agents.
People with tax problems would hire him.
You know, to kill an investigation. Literally.
Then they’d write off Fred.
And raise an audit flag.
So they’d have to hire Fred again.
Made for good repeat business.
The IRS audited him one year.
But all his books were in order.
Everything down to the penny.
The FBI showed up, but Fred had hired Joe to take care of them.
Joe, being an assassin of FBI agents.

The Rotten Apple

So, the virus is spreading.
And it’s spreading through New York like wildfire.
What is it about New York that makes it dangerous and deadly?
The huge population? Living so close together?
Hanging out in parks and coffee shops and everywhere else so closely?
So many diabetics? So many fat people? So many people with cancer, heart conditions?
It’s no longer The Big Apple. It’s no longer Gotham.
It’s now The Big Shitmagnet.
Not Shithole, that’s Haiti.
We all still look to New York.
To see what they’re doing.
So we can do the opposite. And not die like them.

Weekly Challenge #1035 – PICK TWO Stings Low flying Supply Clothes pegs Stick

The next topic is Twist

RICHARD

Plump
“What do you think?”
As pouts go, it’s fair to say this one resembled an inflatable dinghy stuck on her face in place of a mouth.
“What on earth have you done?” I asked.
“Bee stings” she replied, “It’s new at the beauty salon for the plumpest lips ever. It is rather expensive, though.”
I asked her how much. She told me.
“You have to be joking!” I spluttered. “I can do the same, for free.”
She gave me a disbelieving look, “Go on then”.
I grabbed a handful of clothes pegs.
“Clip these on for a bit”, I said.

LIZZIE

It stings. How about this one? It stings too. But what is happening? All the dresses sting? The whole supply is ruined. Who bought the fabric? Some obscure assistant took a step forward. Where did you buy the fabric? Where?! The assistant spun around, and laughed demonically. This is revenge, she said, I should be the head designer. Now, everyone will die. She spun around again and ran away. Everyone looked stunned. The fabric was disposed of by biohazard teams. Everyone was checked at the hospital, and no one died. The financial hit was catastrophic. And that was the revenge.

LEWIE

Zip!

“What was that?” asked John, as he dodged and touched his ear lobe.

Phittt!

John looked back. Nancy was throwing clothes pegs at him from her supply.

“We are over!” she exclaimed as another low-flying peg clipped his forehead.

“Over?” John asked. “We were together?”

Another peg smacked his temple as he fell into the clotheslines.

“Wait, wait, wait! Were we really together?”

SLAP!

Nancy tightened the strings around him with more clothes pegs.

“Don’t ever tell me you’re tied up, unless I put you there,” she demanded.

“I’m tied up,” he whimpered.

“Good riddance!”

“I love you?”

“Fine.”

TOM

Döstädning

A term in Swedish: to de-clutter so your friend doesn’t have to wade through the bio-mass of your stuff. Well, that didn’t happen so armed with def-con level three cleaning supplies I enter day 7 of: The night of a Thousand CDs. I soldier on despite the cat pee. Somewhere middle pile I come across a Cd labeled: No Strings. A groundbreaking work. I figure it’s a revival production. On closer inspection it turns out to the Broadway original. I pop it in the player and I drift back to my mom’s Living room in the 60’s. Not dead yet.

NORVAL JOE

“Yes, I want you for myself,” Mandi said, turning her back on Billbert. “It stings me that I knew you first. I fell in love with you immediately when we flew together on my birthday. Then all she had to do was stick that ring on your finger, and you were hers.”

Billbert put a hand gently on her shoulder. “I do like you a lot. Probably more than Sabrina, but I don’t think we should leave her trapped in a magic magnifying glass.”

Disappointed, but resigned, Mandi said, “Okay. Let’s go down to the kitchen to let her out.”

SERENDIPIDY

I went to school with a girl who was allergic to bee stings. Just one, and she’d swell up like a balloon.
I thought it was hilarious.
My grandfather kept a number of hives and made his own honey, so I had a reliable supply of bees, which I’d collect and capture in a jar. Whenever lessons got boring, I’d release a few into class and enjoy the mayhem that followed.
I never got found out.
Which is a good thing, really.
Especially after she choked on her tongue and died on the classroom floor.
Nature can be a bitch!

PLANET Z

The new girl showed up in a full body, black cloak and black gloves that completely covered her body. The kids that sat next to her later said she smelled like a dead person. Maybe she was? A zombie reanimated and scientist put her in a third grade classroom in Paducah Kentucky. Most kids would tease and torment a kid like that, but we were raised better and smothered her with politeness and kindness. I guess all the attention caused problems because after a week she was gone. Sam say she moved. Others say her family killed her for socializing.

To the Victor came the spoils

Uncle Victor had been in an iron long for 20 years. Aunt Millie hired a nurse to take care of them. He did stocks from a computer that he controlled with his voice and he did well, which is what paid for the nurse. Didn’t mind that Millie was off on cruises as long as she came back and showed him the pictures in the home movies. After one trip, Millie didn’t come back. No one knows what happened to her. The nurse left a letter. Victor told her to shut off the iron lung, take the money, and enjoy.

Remote buttons

My television remote has a Netflix button.
So does my DVD player remote.
I don’t subscribe to Netflix, so I find the button annoying. And I hit it by mistake a lot.
I used to subscribe to it, but even then I’d use the SmartTV navigation on the screen to open Netflix and not use the Netflix button.
There’s also Amazon and Disney buttons, and even though I subscribe to them, I don’t use those buttons.
I only hit them by mistake, too.
What I really want is a remote with shortcut buttons I’d use.
Which means, none at all.

The old tax fraud

My father was a corporate lawyer in the restaurant industry for years.
He retired to run a glass business.
But he failed to send in the company’s share of income taxes.
The IRS was on his ass, and he reached a settlement with them.
So, I helped.
After that, he did his best to sink his fangs into me, trying to sucker me into power of attorney and responsibility.
I said no and cut him off.
I should have let the IRS deal throw him in prison.
It would have been cheaper than the old fraud running up Medicare expenses.

Analytics

It used to be that to find out what your users wanted, you asked them.
You brought them in to a focus group or you sent out a survey.
Then, companies started to monitor sales figures and markets.
After that, they developed A/B testing, and moved on to behavior-tracking analytics.
In the end, the people projecting their wants and needs on to the data were no better than the Greek augurs who played around with bird guts, or the old women who chewed wacky weed and called themselves oracles.
That’s what the users tell me when I ask them.

Every two weeks

The last job I had, it felt like I was drawing a line with one hand and erasing it with the other.
Every project I put any effort into got delayed or canceled.
And if a delayed project were put back in play, I’d put effort into it until it would be delayed again or canceled.
Endless meetings to discuss the next project to get canceled.
I felt like I wasn’t accomplishing anything.
“You’re doing great,” they said. “Keep up the good work.”
The only work I was doing was keeping from blowing up.
And cashing paychecks every two weeks.

Touch grass

Even though my cat can go out in the enclosed patio and enjoy lying in the sun and watching birds, she still howls at the front door to be allowed to go out and roll on the grass. Flipping and flopping, stretching her legs, peeking up her ears at all the sounds. When birds fly to the birdfeeder or squirrels chirp their displeasure, she runs at the tree, climbs up, and scares them off. Then she runs back down the tree to the grass, tuck up, close her eyes and enjoys her last few moments of freedom for the day.

Weekly Challenge #1034 – Experiment

The next topic is PICK TWO
Stings
Low flying
Supply
Clothes pegs
Stick

LEWIE

Champion of the Backyard Games

Harry had a spear.
It had a minty smell.

He thought he was being funny,
humming music
as if he were in the Olympics.

He stuck his finger
in the mint flavored wind
and looked at a big red X
in the distance.

“…and the crowd looks on in anticipation,”
he announced.

He held up the spear
and ran.

He held his hand back
and threw it
at the target.

“DEAD CENTER!
…and the crowd goes wild over the X Spear mint!”
he exclaimed.

He danced with joy,
jumping up and down,
donning a medal
made of yarn and tin.

LISA

Traditional meal with a devilish twist
Emily does all the cooking in the house. She’s quite an experimental cook. Her husband isn’t in much he works late, comes home, eats and heads out to either the gym or pub.
Tonight, Emily’s frying 4 garlic cloves with some mixed herbs and fresh chilli. She adds breadcrumbs, a tin of beef cat food chunks and some ground glass. When it’s cool she forms it carefully into meatballs and cooks a tasty tomato sauce.
Then she boils spaghetti, plates a meal for her husband’s return and goes up for a bath. She never feels like eating after she’s cooked.

LIZZIE

Magic, he said, neon blue small creatures swimming in the garden lake.
So many, she said.
They will stay small like that.
And how many do you have?
He grinned. A lot. To breed them, he had added a few “ingredients” and look, a ton of cute little neon fish!
But isn’t it dangerous? What if…?
He laughed. I know what I’m doing!
The next day, the city faced an infestation of beautiful neon highly poisonous tetrapods reminiscent of Komodo dragons, just lighter and faster.
I guess he didn’t know what he was doing, she thought, hiding in her attic.

RICHARD

Experiment 785
Experiment seven, eight, four.’
Subject remained viable for six hours following administration of the new formula, before losing consciousness. Death within nine hours; no pain or discomfort exhibited’
I paused the recording and sighed. I was wasting my time.
Wasting my life.
The door flew open and a flustered, excited Watson burst into the lab.
“We’ve done it! We fed the data into the AI and in less than five minutes we had the answer… A formula that works perfectly!”
He left, just as abruptly.
I sighed again.
“Experiment seven, eight, five”…
I plunged the needle into my own vein.

TOM

Too much time on my hands.

Of late I have been spending more time Experimenting with underdeveloped drinking experiences. Experiment One: Tuna Fish milkshake. Not a winner that one. Experiment 37: Seaweed Lemonade. Its time will come. Experiment 146: Non-alcoholic single malt. So close yet so far. My latest experiment is Carbonated Coffee. In the tradition of Manhattan Special Inc who have been selling bottled coffee sodas since it was founded in 1895 by Italian immigrants to Brooklyn. My humble addition to the mix is Watermelon juice, liquefied pistachios and a sprig of kale. Wondering. In a six pack or liter? Calling the product Buzz Bubbles

SERENDIPIDY

I thought I’d try a little experiment.
Instead of the usual diet of death and depravity, how about something a little more palatable?
Something suitable perhaps for Valentine’s Day. Maybe with marshmallows and unicorns, fluffy bunnies and heartfelt wishes?
What do you think, should I give it a shot?
OK, here goes.
Once upon a time, in the land of Sugar Marshmallow, there was a Unicorn named Oscar, who was madly in love with a fluffy bunny called, Veronica.
They sneaked behind some bushes to get to know each other better.
But, unfortunately, Unicorns don’t really fit inside bunnies.
Splat!

NORVAL JOE

“How’d Sabrina get in a magnifying glass,” Billbert gasped.

“Well, we were at the kitchen table, looking at all her stuff. When I looked through the magnifying glass, objects disappeared from the table until I looked through the glass a second time.” Mandi shrugged. “Sabrina started out as an experiment. Once she was inside it, I thought, why not just leave her there.”

“But why would you leave her in there,” Billbert asked.

Mandi looked away. “She’s not very nice to me. And this way I have you all to myself.”

Billbert was shocked. “You want me all to yourself?”

PLANET Z

Johnson was a wild-hired ghoul, sitting on his porch, tormenting any unlucky tourists who accepted the invitation through his gate to suffer his rambling lectures on his take on history and politics and the ungrateful students who burned the man in effigy who paid for the tuition that kept them out of the war.
Nixon’s war. It’s Nixon’s war now.
Some tourists, he’d shepherd into his massive car, and he’d drive like a maniac on dirt roads, shouting at cattle and sipping from the whiskey he kept in a plastic cup in his lap.
Stopping, getting out, pissing, and sighing.