It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas, but the machines have made a few mistakes here and there to make it obvious that it’s all just a ruse to keep our minds occupied while they use our bodies as power sources in gigantic energy farms.
Santa’s wearing white with red trim, the Christmas trees are covered with honey glazed ham, and all these fucking red-nosed reindeer everywhere.
As for the men in black suits with earpieces and sunglasses at every streetcorner, well, that’s actually what America was like before the machines got smart and conquered us.
Stupid Patriot Act!
Tag: commentary
A man of many hats
Billy and Willy are alike, identical to their bellybuttons.
But they are not rich. In fact, they’re quite poor.
(And somewhat mad.)
Come Christmas time, each puts his hat in a gift box and sticks it under the tree.
They exchange gifts this way every year at Christmas.
Year after year, using the same box, same bow and ribbon.
Billy and Willy open their gift box together, smile widely, and say “It’s exactly what I need!” in chorus.
They died on the same day, were buried in the same coffin.
With the one hat on William’s head, for all eternity.
In The Beginning
In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth, and then he called an insurance company to get a quote.
They hovered over the waters of the formless empty earth, came up with a figure within God’s budget, and they signed the policy.
Afterwards, when God separated night from day, land from water, and made all kinds of other things, He didn’t bother to update the policy.
That’s why he was so pissed about the apple and the Garden of Eden, although He did eventually manage to collect on His son’s life insurance policy.
Jesus took half, of course.
The Umbrella Man
The Umbrella Man goes from place to place, selling umbrellas to people in nice suits and dresses.
And he sells them cheap: five bucks each. All colors, all styles, all sizes.
I just lost mine on the bus, people say.
Left mine at the restaurant.
Or maybe in the cab.
It doesn’t take long for him to sell them all.
On the way home, he checks the forecast and stops by the municipal Lost And Found.
Handing his friend there a hundred, he gets another batch.
Selecting an umbrella, he opens it, smiles, and heads back out into the rain.
Resolution
The last step before releasing any artificial intelligence core out to the production line is to run it by Ted in Q&A.
Ted isn’t any kind of skilled cyberneticist or engineer.
He is a goddamned pain in the ass. And any robot brain that can put up with his stupid bullshit, well, it is ready to roll.
MegaThink Seven almost got a pass when Ted challenged it to make a New Year’s Resolution not to make New Year’s Resolutions.
The battletank blinked, looked at Ted, and pointed a cannon at him.
FAIL
“Can we load it next time?” I asked.
The Winter Festival
When the factory was still open, the Winter Festival was a festival, but now after it closed, all that changed.
There’s no more parade. No skating in the park. No snowman building contests…
Just the big dinner at the school gym for the needy, and it grows every year.
Well, that and the Snowball Fight.
A through M, one side of the park.
N through Z on the other.
Pack ‘em tight, and no rocks allowed.
We stack our forts high, and let the snowballs fly.
Sure, nobody wins.
But unlike Life, just for this moment, that’s fine by us.
Goddess
You’re a mess. You’re a wreck. You’re a walking disaster.
And you think the Goddess can help you get your life straight?
When you invite the Goddess into your life, you invite her into your heart.
But like any guest, you must prepare your heart for her to enter it.
Would you invite over a guest to a mess of a home?
Would you invite over a guest to a wreck of a home?
Take power over your life!
Clean up your wicked ways!
And once you have gotten your life in order, you’ll find the Goddess waiting, already there.
Hater
The mob broke into the hater’s house, ransacked the furniture and the books, and someone shouted “HE’S ON THE ROOF!”
“Shine a light up there!”
“Get a ladder!”
“Let’s just burn the place!”
“Where’s his wife? Where’s their kids, the little haters?”
Someone came out with a WORLD’S GREATEST DAD mug, and they shattered it on the sidewalk.
The mob cheered, and piled up the books on the front yard to burn.
“Do you have anything to say for yourself, hater?” yelled the leader.
If he had anything to say, you couldn’t hear it over the mob’s shouts and chants.
Cut, and it’s a wrap!
That sign overlooking Hollywood, that says Hollywood, is a perfect symbol for the town below.
Bright and shiny white on the face of it, like gleaming, capped teeth, smiling, but from behind, ugly and scraggly and all propped up like the bridgework it is.
Paint on your face, walk on to the set, and bring up the lights.
Cue the waiter, he’s really an actor though, he falls down flat, like a cut-out, and everybody topples over, like a stack of cards or dominoes. And there I am, alone, standing there, holding my drink, waiting…
CUT, AND IT’S A WRAP!
Cheeta-ing Death
One of the chimpanzees that played Tarzan’s companion in the movies died recently at the age of 80.
I’m just as shocked as you, because all the other chimpanzees died young.
The first was found drowned in a hot tub after an all-night cocaine party.
Another tried to rob a bank and was gunned down by the cops.
The one we all thought would break the curse became a preacher, then hung himself in a hotel room after getting caught molesting innocent young altar chimps.
I guess the last one lived his life clean.
For a goddamned monkey, that is.