Tag: personal

Speakers

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Ever have one of those weekends when everything goes totally wrong?
I download some music, click on the Play button, but I couldn’t hear any sound.
I turned the speakers on and off, but still, no sound.
Dammit.
Then I messed with the device settings in the computer, but I still couldn’t hear anything.
I spent the whole weekend changing out the speaker cable, then getting new speakers, and…
Wait a minute.
Are my headphones still plugged in?
Those mute the signal to the speakers, don’t they?
I’m sure my neighbors wanted to mute me for the next ten minutes.

Cucumber

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The doctor told me it was either lose weight or lose my life.
So forget the potato chips, folks – I’m on a diet.
It’s all vegetable snacks for me: carrots, celery, snow peas, and lots of cucumber slices.
Sure, it’s not easy to carry these things around with me everywhere, but there’s lots of those snack pouches at the grocery store these days.
Still, whenever I see a bag of potato chips, I feel the urge to buy it and tear it open and eat it.
My bodyguard then steps in to smash the bag into greasy potato dust.
Saved.

Sweet Potato Fries

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There’s some thing special about sweet potato fries.
I’m sure you’ve eaten mountains and mountains of ordinary fries. Even dipped them in all sorts of stuff – ketchup, mustard, and even mayonnaise like in that movie.
But no matter how you get them – curly, crinkle-cut or whatever – they’re still the same potatoes in there.
So, for a change, that’s why you should try some sweet potato fries.
Just lay them out on a tray in the oven, bake ’em, and then get some ranch dressing to dip them in.
A little something different… well, until you get bored.
And go back.

The Miracle

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The Temple was theirs again.
After much celebrating and giving thanks, it was discovered that there was only enough sacred oil to light the lamps for 1 day.
Somehow, that oil ended up lasting eight days.
Yeah, that’s the Hanukkah Miracle.
Ever tried using an oil lamp instead of candles or electric lights?
If you haven’t, well, it’s a steep learning curve.
Getting those wicks soaked just right, and then finding the right level of oil… sheesh!
Wanna know what the real Hanukkah Miracle is?
Lighting the damn things and keeping them lit all night long.
Now that’s a miracle!

Haunts Me

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My little girl was shrieking. Confused.
Her back legs were limp. She fell off the bed, dragging herself.
Scared beyond description.
I called my wife, called a cab, got dressed. Got her into a carrier and out the door.
The emergency clinic said it was a blood clot. They’d try to thin it with drugs.
When they took her in back, I heard her meowing her “WHERE’S DADDY?” cry.
Go home, they said. Sleep. Come back to check her into the day clinic.
Two hours later, they called.
I should have been there for her.
And that’s what haunts me.

Social Networking

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In the past year, I’ve signed up for all sorts of social networking sites.
I started with Myspace, then moved to Facebook, and over to Twitter and Jaiku and Utterz and Tumbler and so on and so forth.
Whenever I update one site, I feel obligated to update all the rest.
It’s not always automatic, so copy paste copy paste for hours a day.
What I don’t understand is with all this social networking, sitting in front of my computer every waking hour networking with other people, when do I have the time to go out and actually be social?

The Same Day

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According to life expectancies, when I was born and my wife was born, we should die at around the same time.
Sure, we have our bad and good habits that add and knock a few years off that number, but pretty much they all balance out.
So, I’m sure it was no surprise to St. Peter when we both showed up at The Pearly Gates side by side.
“I guess you two planned this all along, right?” said St. Peter.
“Hell no,” my wife says, grumbling.
“I didn’t really plan on turning the wrong way down that street,” I said.

Pumpkin Carving

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Okay, a true story:
I couldn’t decide how to carve my Halloween pumpkin, so I just left the knife stuck in the side of the pumpkin and put it up on the shelf.
It sat there for a day, two days… but I just couldn’t come up with any ideas on how to carve it.
I got really frustrated at that, hit my fist on the table, and it jostled the pumpkin so it rolled off the shelf and dropped to the floor.
As it fell past me, the knife slashed against my arm.
That’s right. The pumpkin carved me.

Fall again

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It’s Fall again. Sun comes up later, temperature doesn’t get up as high as in the Summer.
If its get warmer, you can always take off a jacket or a sweater.
Or a hat. Lots of heat comes out of your head. Makes sense to have a hat to take off.
If it gets cold, just put the jacket back on. Put the hat back on, too.
Don’t worry about your hair. It’s fine, really.
It’s not quite time for a scarf, but if you want one, sure, go ahead.
Just don’t get it caught in the elevator door again.

Falling Balls

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I stood fascinated, watching rows upon rows of Japanese feeding steel balls into pachinko machines, a rattling rain of metal through pegs, flashing lights, spinners… all falling into holes.
“It’s Japanese pinball,” explained my guide, handing me a plastic tub full of the tiny balls.
“Pinball has flippers,” I said. “People have control in pinball, you can bump the table. These are more like slot machines. Just push a button.”
Each ball, a human life. Falling through obstacles until, without fail, reaching oblivion.
I handed the tub back to my guide. “I don’t play the slots. I’m not a machine.”