Tag: personal

Bag Of Hair

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Vanity can be such a drag.
The problem I’m facing is… my hair is turning grey and falling out.
All things considered, I’d rather have it turn grey than fall out.
I mean, hair that’s still on your head you can color. Then you’re going around with colored hair.
Hair that falls out is a lot harder to color. Still, I collect it all up out of the shower trap and sink and color it every evening.
If people ask me if I’m going grey, I take out the plastic bag full of hair and scream NO I AM NOT.

Supercuts

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Many years ago, Mom would take me to the barber shop for a haircut and the barber would put the apron on me, but I’d turn it around like a cape and run around the barbershop, pretending I was Superman, yelling LOOK AT ME I CAN FLY over and over again.
The barber would try to catch me, but I was too fast for him, and I’d run outside and into traffic and people would slam on their brakes to avoid running me over, and they’d rear-end each other and…
Oh, man. Good times.
I wish I was twenty-eight again.

Perpetually Dying

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My friend, far away.
Perpetually dying, a tired wall of sickness spreading and suffering, each day worse than the last.
No hope but for the next moment.
In time, the end comes to us all, but we live by denying it.
Until it approaches.
Or comes suddenly.
But her, every day, growing worse, she lives in defiance of it.
For her son.
He is young, but he sees not the crippling pain, closing in on itself, but someone staying strong.
For him.
Hold on just a little longer.
And when he’s strong enough, your gift to him, you can rest.

Product Testing

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When I was growing up, we lived in Deerfield, which was next to Northbrook, and that’s where Underwriter’s Laboratories was.
We went on a tour, and I saw smart people in white lab coats, breaking things all day long.
When we got home, the first thing I did was break something.
“See!” I said, happily. “I’m smart!”
“You moron!” said my brother. “Why did you do that?”
“I’m testing products to see if they’re safe,” I said.
“I think Nana Ruth’s vase was safe,” said my brother, and he told Mom.
Soon afterwards, Dad tested his belt across my ass.

Juel’s Fish

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The song’s over, now you’ve got your chance.
Ask her why she has a fish circling her head and she’ll point to the fishbowl on her counter top.
It’s a perfectly ordinary glass fishbowl, filled with water. There’s some teal blue gravel at the bottom and a nice little castle and sea diver in there, too.
“He’s claustrophobic,” she says, tickling the fish on its belly as it passes by her ear.
Sometimes, it’s orange. Other times, it’s blue. And then, when it’s really happy, it’s a rainbow of colors.
She picks up her guitar, smiles, and begins to play.

Mommy’s Home

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There’s a small orange fluffy cat curled up by the front door.
Two words. Two simple words can make such a difference.
He wants to hear them so badly.
He’s waiting for hours. Or has it been days?
He can’t remember when he last saw her.
It feels like forever.
He sniffs the carpet.
There’s a sound at the front door. He perks his ears up, listens.
Is it her?
No, it’s not her. Just some noise. Or someone else is home.
He sighs, curls back up, and goes back to sleep.
She’ll be home soon, Frisky. I promise you.

Ballet

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I walk out to the patio and sit in my chair by the fence.
The sun’s gone down, and the lights come on.
They are the footlights of a stage, the part of the fence that the umbrella hangs over, but the performer hasn’t been seen for a long time.
Her name’s been taken down from the marquee. The marquee remains blank – no act could follow her.
I close my eyes and remember how she danced, how she sang.
Bravissimo, I whisper, and I pull a kitty treat out of the foil pouch, placing it gently on the fencetop.
Bravissimo.

iPhone

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Whenever I feel like I’m falling for the hype of a new electronic device, I look in the cardboard box I keep in the closet.
That’s where I’ve put all the electronic gizmos and gadgets I bought as a result of falling for their hype, ending up with a piece of junk.
So when I look at the iPhone, I think to myself: How soon will it join the other expensive doohickeys in the box.
Then, I read a full-color advertisement for the thing.
There’s a commercial on the television for it, too.
Temptation builds – oh, give me strength, Lord.

Caps Lock

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I hate it when I accidentally hit the Caps Lock key and everything I type is all caps.
So, I took a butter knife and pried out that key.
I don’t make mistakes like that any more.
I also pried out the Pause key because I never use that one.
I never use Scroll Lock or the keys on the number pad either.
They’re gone, too.
Then I started prying out more keys. Symbols. Numbers. Letters.
Pretty soon, I was left with nothing remaining.
The screen asks me to hit any key to continue.
I’ll just sit here, happily waiting.

Pizza Time

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Okay, so my wife was making pizza the other night, and I got to chop up the veggies.
I like to use the alligator chopper thingy we have. It dices them up real good. And, it’s fun, too!
Then, I dry out the veggies and then get out some mushrooms to blot on paper towels.
My wife doesn’t like mushrooms on pizza, so I put them only on half.
She baked the thing, pulled it out of the oven, and guess which half I ate from?
Yeah, that’s right. The one without mushrooms. Her half.
I’m a bad, bad husband.