Tag: work

Virus Scam

541960

After years and years of progressively malicious computer viruses and worms, the anti-virus program manufacturers finally managed to make deals with computer manufacturers, Internet service providers, and governments that installation of their software was not only necessary, but mandatory by law.
It was right around then that the activity of virus writers dropped off. What used to be a constant cat and mouse game of escalation between those trying to punch holes with exploits and those reinforcing them became a ceasefire.
Eventually, it became a formal partnership.
After all, without barbarians at the gates, who needs the gates? Or walls?

Know It All

502646

Something snapped in Daniel’s mind. He went from inventorying office supplies to killing everyone in cold blood.
The carnage at the office was worse than you could possibly imagine.
As he stood over his trembling soon-to-be-ex boss, Daniel fumbled through all of his pockets.
“What are you looking for?” asked the boss.
“I’m looking for the bullet with your name on it,” said Daniel. “I swear I had just a minute ago.’
“Maybe it’s already loaded in the gun,” said his boss. “Did you check?”
Daniel checked. Sure enough, it was.
“You fucking know-it-all asshole,” said Daniel, aiming and firing.

Sad Sack of a Sacker

719732

Ronnie held the dented can in his hand. Just a few seconds earlier, it had rolled out of its sack, fell through a hole in his cart, and rolled under his foot.
Ronnie counted to ten and took a deep breath.
“Excuse me,” he said to the sacker. “This fell out.”
“So?” said the sacker.
“Can you get me another one?” asked Ronnie.
The sacker sighed deeply, turned around, and shuffled off to the Canned Vegetables aisle.
Three minutes later, he returned with a fresh can.
“Now shove it up your ass,” said Ronnie, pushing the cart out the door.

Some stains

423488

Some stains don’t come out easily.
No, I’m not talking about grape juice stains. We get enough of those in the clothes people donate through us.
I’m talking about spiritual stains. Echoes of misery and agony, soaked into the fabric beyond the reach of any detergent.
Put on a haunted suit, the wedding goes bad.
Put on a haunted ball cap, you get headaches.
Put on a haunted dress, your tits sag.
That’s why we use a laundry that has a full-time exorcist on staff. Removes the curses.
But if you don’t pay, we can always put them back in.

Set The Alarm

404048

Susan set her alarm to six-thirty, and she woke up at six-thirty.
Susan set her alarm to six, and she woke up at six.
She then set her alarm to nineteen forty-one.
Sure enough, she woke up in 1941. People were walking around and going about their lives without a clue as to what horrors of war were right around the corner.
She tried all sorts of times in the past. She even tried a few in the future.
Susan set her alarm back to seven, and she woke up at seven.
Her stupid boss fired her for being late.

Elevator Angst

366464

I used to be deathly afraid of elevators. I’d look down the gap between the elevator floor and the building floor and worry I’d fall through that crack.
I had nightmares about the bottom of the elevator shaft. I’d wake up in a cold sweat, screaming.
The doctors couldn’t help me. I kept thinking about that dark, bottomless pit.
One day, an elevator supervisor took me to a panel at the bottom of the elevator shaft. He opened it and showed me that the bottom of the shaft was strewn with candy and dimes.
I feel so much better now.

Two Loves

587256

Walter had two childhood loves: singing waiters and rollerskating waitresses.
When he grew up, he wanted nothing more than a restaurant that had both.
So, after lying to the bank about the true nature of his dream-restaurant, he bought all the kitchen and wireless microphone equipment he needed, laid out the tables around a roller-derby track, and went on a hiring spree.
Now it’s one thing to hire singers, rollerskaters, and waiters. But it’s another thing entirely looking for all three on the same resume.
A few broken bones and stained uniforms later, Walter gave up.
He sold pizza instead.

Loyalty

587413

When Oscar needed to travel, he stuffed himself into a crate and had himself shipped.
He didn’t mind the cramped quarters. He was a master of Yoga and liked the challenge.
His secretary pled for him to travel business class, but he insisted on the crate.
One day, the crate vanished. The cargo company said it was lost. The databases drew a total blank.
Despite top-down searches of every warehouse, Oscar never reappeared.
His secretary refused to give up, searching for years.
She stuffed herself into a crate, shipped herself, and vanished, too.
Maybe they’re together somewhere?
I hope so.

Circling the bowl

427592

“Where’s your story?” asked Guido, adjusting his glasses and reloading the page. “One story a day, come hell or high water, right?”
“Didn’t feel like writing one,” said Laurence, shrugging.
“Didn’t you pick the theme?” asked Guido.
“Yeah,” said Laurence. “I just… you know… something’s missing.”
Guido looked at his nephew’s bloodshot eyes. “You don’t look so good,” he said. “Getting enough sleep?”
“It’s not that,” said Laurence. “It’s the inspiration. It’s missing.”
“Well, if the site hasn’t completely flushed away, it’s certainly circling the bowl,” said Guido.
Laurence nodded. “Maybe tomorrow will be different?”
Guido shrugged. “Maybe it will.”

Liquid sin in a St. Arnold’s glass

417440

Just keep pulling Guinness for me, and if you’re busy Christine, I’m not worried. The longer it takes you, the warmer the beer. And the warmer the beer, the better it is.
Nobody loses, everybody wins. I’m okay with it.
Running out of cold pint glasses? Not worried about that none, either. Same reason. Wouldn’t be right to think otherwise.
World would be a better place if all the little stuff stayed little.
I used to get riled up about that stuff. Forgot I was in Texas.
Everything’s big here. Little stuff is that much more little by comparison.
Amen.