The Wacky Adventures of Abraham Lincoln #83

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Trapped in the kitchen with Mary Todd, Abe decided to make a souffle.
After many failed attempts, he focused his chi and went back to the mixing bowl.
Pour.
Spread.
Lift.
Close.
Wait.
Then, just at the right moment, he reached into the oven to pull it out.
Gently as the dews of heaven, not rending or wrecking anything, he carried the crockery to the table to display his achievement to Mary Todd.
“It looks great,” she said. “What did you do different this time?”
Abe scowled. “It helps not to trip over the loose floorboards and Tad”s scattered toys.”

The Wacky Adventures of Abraham Lincoln #82

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Abraham imagined himself a swashbuckler, hurling insults at Jefferson Davis as they slashed their cutlasses at each other.
All around them, pirates cheering and shouting, fighting amongst themselves.
Lincoln found himself caught up in the moment and yelled something he”d later regret.
“Take back that comment about my mother,” shouted Davis.
“Never!” laughed Lincoln. “I would rather die than take back a word.”
Davis parried Lincoln”s sword aside and ran him through the chest.
“Okay, what if I said it about your aunt and not your mother?” wheezed Lincoln.
(This is about when Lincoln felt that “regret” I referenced earlier.)

The Wacky Adventures of Abraham Lincoln #81

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The White House Carpenter was passed out drunk again, propped up against a sawhorse and snoring.
Abe desperately needed the kitchen table leveled. Mary Todd was long past tired of the wobble.
He tapped the carpenter with his shoe.
Nothing.
Mary Todd yelled out through the kitchen window, telling Abe to fire the drunk carpenter.
Abe yelled back: “He has acted badly in this matter, but we must use what tools we have.”
That night, the table still wobbled.
The next day, Mary Todd put poison in the carpenter’s whiskey, killing him.
“Wonderful,” moaned Abe. “Who will build his coffin?”

The Wacky Adventures of Abraham Lincoln 80

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Abraham Lincoln dragged himself to the bathroom and contemplated the shabby, reed-thin figure that stared back at him.
His knees buckled, and he leaned on a chair to remain standing.
I must say I do not think myself fit for the Presidency,” he muttered.
“Of course you aren’t,” said Mary Todd. “But think of it this way, dear – you’re much healthier than Douglas.”
“Douglas died last year,” said Lincoln.
“Exactly,” said Mary Todd. “And when I last checked, zombies couldn’t be presidents.”
Lincoln sighed with relief. And then, he wondered aloud: “So why do I still hunger for brains?”

The Wacky Adventures of Abraham Lincoln 79

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The clock struck twelve, and Abraham Lincoln was hungry.
He pounded his fists on the kitchen table.
“Where’s my supper, wife?” he yelled.
“There is no supper today, beloved,” said Mary Todd.
“No supper?” Abe roared.
“No supper,” said Mary Todd. “Kitchen’s closed.”
“Fine,” said Abe. “I shall go to the wall for bread and meat.”
Abe left the kitchen, and Mary Todd scratched her head.
What did Abe mean by ‘the wall’?
Ten hours later, the exhausted president returned, covered in tar and feathers.
“What in God’s name happened?” asked Mary Todd.
“They were out of meat,” said Abe.

The Wacky Adventures of Abraham Lincoln 78

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Abraham Lincoln liked to stop by the War Department to see what machines his scientists were making.
They showed him a massive cannon.
“Is there anything bigger than that?” said Abe.
“We have our limits,” said the scientists. “Only so much destruction can be harnessed before a man loses his humanity.”
“As commander in chief,” he said, “in time of war, I suppose I have a right to take any measure which may best subdue the enemy.
So, they built a bigger cannon.
And fired it.
When Abe opened his eyes, he said “Um, wasn’t it a full moon tonight?”

The Wacky Adventures Of Abraham Lincoln 77

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During the war, Abraham noticed a curious phenomenon among the embassies in Washington.
Ambassadors went from nice to rude, and then to downright ugly towards visitors.
“Why is this?” asked Lincoln of his Secretary of State.
“A nation which endures factious domestic division is exposed to disrespect abroad,” said William Seward.
“That’s fine and dandy,” said Lincoln. “But we’re not abroad.”
Seward invited the French Ambassador to visit the White House.
He did, and promptly insulted the President at first opportunity.
Lincoln kicked him in the groin and threw him out the door.
“Give my regards to Paris,” said Abe.

The Wacky Adventures Of Abraham Lincoln 76

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General Grant handed Abraham Lincoln a telescope. “Watch our victory unfold before your eye,” he said.
Abe looked through the telescope and watched the battle rage.
“My brilliant strategy is paying off,” said Grant.
“The issues of our struggle depended on the Divine interposition and favor,” muttered Abe. “It’s all up to God now.”
God looked down at the blood-splattered battlefield and winced.
Jesus handed Him a quarter, and God flipped it. “Call it.”
“Heads,” said Jesus.
God caught the quarter mid-air and covered it.
He opened his hands, and a dove flew out.
“Damn,” said God. “Happens every time.”

The Wacky Adventures of Abraham Lincoln 75

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A barrel-chested metallic man marched around the White House lawn, occasionally belching steam and smoke.
“What is this that thing?” asked Mary Todd.
“It’s a steam-powered mechanical man,” said Abraham Lincoln. “I built it to garrison forts, positions, stations, and other places.”
“So it can do everything a human soldier can do?” asked Mary Todd.
“Well, there are some limits to its abilities,” said Abe. “It certainly won’t replace those men you sleep with when I’m busy.”
Weeks later, Mary Todd walked into the White House, covered in oil and grease.
And smiling.
“I stand corrected,” said Abe. “You whore.”

The Wacky Adventures of Abraham Lincoln 74

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It was Bath Day, and the White House tub was full of warm sudsy water.
The problem was that Abraham Lincoln would be so busy doing his Presidential duties that he’d end up being the last to the tub.
The water was often quite foul by then, and sometimes a family member would accidentally break the tub.
So Abe finished his work, closed up his desk, and came upon a frightful scene.
“The bottom is out of the tub!” shouted Abe. “What shall I do?”
There was no answer.
So he stripped naked, went outside, and took a dust bath.