I saw the Batman movie today.
And that’s all I’m going to say.
Because everything I try to say about it gets me in trouble.
Before I went to see the movie, I tried to say “I’m going to see it when the crowds die down” but people called me an insensitive asshole after all those people got shot and killed in Colorado.
And then, after I saw it, I said “That movie was awesome. It totally blew me away.” People got even more pissed off at me.
So I’ll just say “I liked it” and talk about the weather.
Tag: movies
Midnight Showing
If you’ve ever said “Nothing ruins a movie more than a screaming baby,” you should look at the headlines coming out of Colorado this morning.
That’s right: someone brought a 3-month-old baby to a midnight showing of the final movie in the Batman trilogy.
Don’t you hate it when that happens?
It totally ruins the movie.
And if you call the ushers in on them, you end up looking like an asshole.
“We can’t find a babysitter this late at night!” they whine.
Why are they bringing a baby to a midnight showing in the first place?
That’s just sick.
Bates
Back in the old days,
Norman ran The Bates Motel on a shoestring,
earning a few bucks here and there from people
who’d stay at the motel.
And for those who stayed
permanently,
I suppose he’d get a bit more,
since those folks didn’t really need all that
money and stuff they had with them.
If Norman had been around these days,
well, he’d have had a problem with social networking,
people tweeting
“A crazy guy in a dress
is stabbing me in the shower!”
and that kind
of hassle.
But at least the Yelp reviews
would actually be: “YELP!”
Rainbow Slide
Is it not every man’s dream to climb the St. Louis Arch and paint it like a rainbow?
Then, with the sun at their back, they strip off their climbing gear to reveal a mighty glittering Thor costume, and, swinging their hammer wildly, they slide down the rainbow bringing greetings and tidings from Asguard.
Ah, yes.
Sadly, it takes money to accomplish such feats, and corporate sponsorship, though lucrative, corrupts all it touches. So, yes tossing Skittles while shouting TASTE THE RAINBOW! is overwhelming, it ruins the purity of the act.
Promote the Avengers movie?
Sure, why not?
MJOLNIR… COME!
Musicals
Before I ever read Dickens’ Oliver Twist, I saw a tape of the 1969 musical.
I find musicals stupid. People burst into song over the strangest shit. Everybody dances and spins and laughs and leaps.
Did something get in the water supply? A gas leak making everybody loony?
A little chasing, a little murder, and we find Fagin fumbling his wealth into the muck.
Poor guy. Oh well.
Later on, I read the book.
They hanged him?
Dude. Harsh.
I put the book back on the shelf, sigh, and load up the DVD.
Perhaps musicals aren’t so stupid after all.
A Twist On Oliver
Oliver walked up to the Beadle, empty bowl held high.
“I’d like some less, please,” he said.
The Beadle looked down, confused.
“Less?” he asked. “But… the bowl’s empty.”
“Yes, I know,” said Oliver. “And I regret eating it all. Far, far too much. So, if you can’t spoon out less into these bowls, maybe smaller bowls?”
The Beadle nodded. “That we can do.”
So, the next day, smaller bowls of gruel were dished out for all the kids.
Oliver, being the smallest, could subside on little, so the bigger kids starved quicker and all died.
Alone, Oliver laughed heartily.
Loss For Words
I forget words… starts with a v… vocabulary.
I lose vocabulary when I am tired.
I reach for words like… like I am… digging through a discount bin… a bin full of… DVDs… looking for a good one… one that’s not an Adam Sandler movie…
One that fits just right.
Starts with a v…
But, it’s not there.
Another fucking Happy Gilmore
Little Nicky.
Shit.
It’s late.
I can feel myself… losing focus…
But for Christ’s sake, you just… won’t… shut… up.
So, I just nod. I say
“Yes.”
“I understand.”
“Go on.”
I’m hearing you, but I’m not listening.
Circus Ballet
Attendance for the ballet is down.
Way down.
Attendance for the circus is also way down.
So, the ballet and the circus were merged into productions like Circe du Soleil.
But it also produced abominations like Elephant Lake.
What’s Elephant Lake?
Take Swan Lake, remove the swan, and fill the stage with elephants.
The Mouse King from Nutcracker showed up, and the elephants stampeded.
But that’s not the worst of it.
The second act has Russian dancing bears dressed up in tutus.
Ever tried to put a tutu and slippers on to a bear?
I’d rather be stampeded by elephants.
Cruella
I remember reading a book called 101 Dalmatians, but it was a total fabrication.
What? Fiction?
No, a fabrication.
The book.
The Disney animations.
That live-action movie with Glenn Close?
Oh, sure Cruella de Vil was a crazy and evil bitch who had a thing for wearing fur, but kidnapping and stealing the animals?
Crazy? Yes.
Evil? Totally.
Stupid? Hell no.
She bought puppies from breeders, and then ran her own breeding program at her home.
The dog meat she sold to Chinese restaurants.
And then she wrote the book with that outlandish story to cover up the sick truth.
Heart Of Rust
Before the Wizard vanished into the sky, he told Tin Man that a heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others.
So, as Scarecrow ruled Emerald City, Tin Man sent the city’s soldiers from door to door, surveying the townsfolk on how much they loved him.
Over time, he expanded the surveys to all the lands of Oz, and the results sank from a grateful love to a weary negative.
“WHY?” shouted Tin Man.
He called for one final census.
“Because of all these annoying surveys!” was the overwhelming response.