Walk out

When she threatened to walk out the door, I told her that she could never come back through it.
She walked out anyway. So, I programmed the front door to not let her in.
However, I forgot to program the back door.
“Nyah nyah!” she shouted from the kitchen.
I kicked her out and then programmed the back door to not let her in.
“Miss me?” she sung, crawling through an open window.
I pushed her back out, and locked the windows.
At the first rustle from the chimney, I heaped up logs and lit a match.
Burn, bitch! Burn!

The Collection

I keep my knife collection in my back and my stamp collection on all these envelopes I keep filling with money to keep you from adding to my knife collection.
You bitch. You evil bitch.
How much is enough? How long do I have to suffer?
You never answer me. you just send another envelope to fill, so I know the answer: as long as I live.
Or, as long as you live.
Now, I keep my knife collection in your chest… your throat.
My last two stamps are over your eyes.
I am free.
… and another envelope arrives.

Anniversary

It’s our anniversary. Can’t think of any personal gifts to get.
So, we bought ourselves a huge Smart TV. And we replaced our old Blue Ray player with a Smart Player.
I can control them with my smartphone.
We will probably get a smart sound bar to give us surround sound for the baseball games and movies we watch.
I’m not sure what more we can add to this system, but with all the apps and features running on these devices, they suck down more electricity than a Vegas casino.
Our electric bills bankrupted us.
Not very smart, I guess.

The Crime

It was a sunny day without a cloud in the sky when Bert killed Ernie.
After all those years together, Ernie only wanted to share his bathtub with his rubber duckie.
And all those stupid, annoying questions.
The last thing Ernie said was “Why is it Sesame Street instead of Sesame Court?”
Bert snapped.
A few hours later, Bert called the police and confessed.
The police said they’d send someone to pick him up.
Three hours later, the police unit had gotten lost on the way.
The officer called Bert: “Can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?”

The Real

Her father bought her a new nose for her sweet sixteenth.
College money went to a few other “necessary” improvements. She changed her name and picked up a degree from a diploma mill.
That got her an internship with the Senator, and she eventually handled the press for him.
After every day, she’d touch up her roots, check on her nail extensions, fix her makeup, and head to her favorite bar to prowl the scene.
“Why can’t I catch a real man?” she sighed to the bartender.
“Must be using the wrong bait,” he said.
She didn’t leave a tip.

Jumbotron

You know those kiss cams at ballgames? And how sometimes some guy proposes to his girl at the ballpark?
My buddies thought it would be a funny prank to take a hooker to a ballgame and surprise her with a Jumbotron proposal.
But the surprise was on me. The hooker said yes, kissed me, and took the ring.
“We can do it in Vegas,” she whispered into my ear.
Shit. This is going to get really expensive.
I’d better call my wife and tell her than I’m going to need to take some cash out of our joint savings account.

Sally

Ted always dated women named Sally.
“I got ‘Sally’ tattooed on my arm when I was in the Navy,” he told me. “It was easier dating just women named Sally than to get it removed.”
He’d gotten married recently.
“Congratulations, I said. “Finally found the right Sally?”
“Hell no,” he said. “But you know how people convert religions to get married?”
She changed her name to Sally?
Well. Almost. “Her middle name was Sally,” said Ted, “but you know how love is?”
I sure do.
I rubbed the spot where the Ted tattoo had been and tried not to cry.

GMO

My girlfriend is a vegetarian who won’t eat genetically-modified food.
“You get more information from a mattress tag about what goes into it than you do from a Monsanto food label,” she said.
So, the next time she came over for dinner, I cooked up my mattress.
And it was much better than any of the tofu or bean curd crap she cooked for me.
“That was delicious,” she said. “What was in that?”
I handed her the mattress tag.
Sure, it was hard fitting it in the oven, but it was harder finding a wine that went with it.

Love Gone Wrong

Everywhere, I see bumperstickers that say JESUS LOVES YOU.
Shit.
Yeah, Jesus and I had a thing back in the day.
It got weird. And then creepy.
I told him to take a hike.
He was all like “FINE!”, but he started following me everywhere, showing up everywhere I went.
Coincidence, my ass.
Then he killed my fish. Turned the water in the aquarium to wine.
I called the cops, but they told me to change the lock.
After that, Jesus threatened to kill himself.
I said “Go ahead.”
And he did.
But the asshole came back three days later.

Shelf

I started with a bottle of wine.
Then, I turned the lights down low.
Tonight’s going to be special.
I took the Philip Glass CD down from the shelf and put it into the player.
Then, when the moment was right, I pulled the shelf from the wall.
The screws popped loose after a few tugs.
I wiped the dust off of the shelf and gave it a long, deep kiss.
Oh yeah.
The next day, I met up with my ex and told her all about it.
“I told you to go fuck yourself,” she said. “Self, not shelf.”