Want to know how to make today better?
Look at it in hindsight tomorrow.
Everything’s better once you get past it.
The bad stuff, well, it’s over. Lick your wounds and move on.
The good stuff, you have memories of. Helps you to get through the bad stuff.
Either way, no matter what you’re going through, it’s always better when it’s in the past.
As for the future, that’s another story.
Who knows what will be in your path, and if you look far enough ahead, the path’s eventually going to come to an end.
Race you to the finish!
Tag: cliche
Never see you again
You said you never wanted to see me again.
So, I went down into my basement workshop and invented an invisibility cloak.
Which didn’t work out so great. It’s just a sheet you couldn’t see.
I mean, yeah, that’s kinda cool, but doesn’t really get the job done.
I thought about bringing you down into the workshop with me and then turning off the lights so you couldn’t see me, but I still wanted to see you.
That’s when I decided to go with a third option:
Keep that blindfold on, Janey, or I’ll have to tear your eyes out.
Limits
Mom said that life is all about limits.
Some of are hard limits, like the speed of light.
Others are soft limits, like the speed limit on the highway. You can go faster than that, although you might get pulled over.
With experience, you learn which limits are hard and which are soft.
The cop isn’t impressed by my story, and he hands me a ticket for speeding.
I thank him and check the cargo.
The hyperdrive in the trailer is fine.
The boys at the lab are going to love this one, I think, and start the truck up.
Just Drive!
You know how in the movies, some guy gets in a cab, the cab driver says “Where to?” and the guy says “Just drive!” and the cab driver says “It’s your dime, pal.” and he pulls out into traffic and drives around?
Well, that happens to me all the time.
Every time.
For twenty years, I’ve driven a cab, and all I ever do is drive it in circles.
I offer to take people to bars or restaurants or hotels.
But all I ever get is “Just drive!”
I’m going to “just drive” right off of a bridge one day!
What a beautiful day!
Wally practically danced into the room, soaking wet and smiling as wide at his dripping hat.
“What a beautiful day!” he sang, gritting his teeth madly.
Down in the basement, Clem the Maintenance Supervisor watched in shock as the Sarcasm Compensator shook and rattled, glowing slightly red before spitting out a steaming ingot CLANK!
Clem put it on the cart with the other ingots, where they’d wait for the school to pick them up.
Sometimes, he’d pocket a really good ingot and sell it to a kid at a comedy club.
As if they needed any more sarcasm, right?
CLANK!
The Final Rule
I have a hollow tooth. It is full of poison.
If I am captured, I will crush the tooth, swallow the poison, and die.
Sure enough, I’m in the middle of a mission, and I get captured.
So, I try to crush it, but it doesn’t break.
I smash my face against the table.
Nope. But I do bloody my nose.
Eventually, I get the information tortured out of me, and I’m sent back as part of a prisoner exchange program.
“Tooth’s a dud,” I say.
The agent reaches in, crushes it with pliers.
“Nope,” he said.
And I die.
Kneecap Rodeo
Yeeeeeeehaw!
It’s Rodeo Time, time to put on our cowboy hats, cowboy boots, and big shiny buckles and thick kneepads-
Kneepads?
Yup. ‘Cause while we countryfolk break horses, the Italians come on down to break kneecaps.
Then Mafiosa with their fedora hats and baseball bats, breaking kneecaps. That ain’t Texas, I reckon.
We cowboys break ’em by blindfoldin and riding them, or denying them food and water for a day before riding.
The Injuns, they ride ’em out to deep water and wear them out.
Then there’s the kneecap whisperer… fell behind in a loan.
Watch out for them Italians!
Silence
When I first saw “Soylent Green” I watched it with my mute pal Bobby Greene and said “Hey, that’s about you… Soylent Green, Bobby Greene?”
Bobby flapped his hands at me, but I never learned any of that sign language crap.
“Write it down, jackass,” I growled, and he picked up a steno pad and scribbled out FUCK YOU in big letters.
We watched the rest of the movie, Edward G. Robinson dies and Charlton Heston finds out the secret about Soylent Green.
YUCK wrote Bobby.
So, I killed him. Cooked and ate him too.
Hey, Soylent Greene is delicious!
Castaway
Joe’s ship wrecked on an uncharted island.
He had a supply of fresh water, all the fruit and fish and other good things to eat, and the weather was pleasant year-round.
Bored? Nope. His boat was loaded with books.
Nobody came searching for him, and after a few weeks, he grew used to being alone.
And he liked it.
However, every day, crabs would come up on shore and spell out HELP on the sand.
They glittered and glistened in the sun.
Joe would scatter them and brush away their telltale scuttle-trails
And he went back to reading his books.
The Tyrant
The Old Tyrant yells “Load the carriage faster! I need to escape before-”
Shouting! Beyond the gate!
A mob from the city, surrounding his castle.
“Guards! Protect me!” he yells.
The guards run out through the gate to meet the crowd.
And then, they rush back, closing the gate and blocking it.
From the outside.
“They won’t let you leave,” said his assistant. “They want you to stay on as ruler.”
“But I’m tired of running this country!” the Tyrant whined. “Don’t they want democracy? Freedom?”
“No. They want prosperity. Stability. You provide that.”
The exhausted tyrant wept and screamed.