Tag: food

The Forest Of Fourteen Trees

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Once upon a time, this was a vast forest, with trees as far as the eye could see.
Now, there are only fourteen trees, crowded together in a housing subdivision.
We, the elves of the forest, once frolicked and hunted.
Now, we argue over pizza toppings and order delivery.
It’s not easy, clinging to the past when the future has clearly defeated it, but we are forest elves, and we can no more abandon them as a fish can leave the water.
The government calls us an endangered species, but the gnomes were, too.
They’re gone now, and soon, us.

Old School

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We’re at the bar, watching the ball drop in Times Square.
“I still write last year on my checks,” I say. “I always do stupid shit like that. What about you?”
She puts her drink down. “You still write checks?” she asks. “No online bill payment?”
“I like the feel of writing a check,” I said. “Pointing and clicking doesn’t feel the same.”
“What about using credit cards?”
“Nope. I’m really, really old school.”
She laughed, signed for her tab, and left.
I asked for my tab.
“Two chickens, Bill,” said the bartender.
I handed over the cage.
Old school.

Monkey Fuckers

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You wake up in pain, reeking of sweat and stale bananas.
Another night, another monkey fucked.
This shit’s too sick for Oprah. She thought you were fucking guys in monkey suits or something.
This is the real deal. Oh you’ve tried. Lord knows you’ve tried, but there’s no special patch – only the real thing will do.
They bite and scratch, but that makes it more exciting. Gets you off harder than if they just sit there, screeching.
Curious about little Curious George, aren’t you?
Hold my hat. My yellow hat.
Let me show you how to really grind an organ.

The Trojans

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The plan is brilliant.
We are French, after all.
We shipped the statue in pieces for assembly in the harbor.
The torso of the statue was large enough to hold 500 soldiers. Our weapons are in the torch.
Vive la France, New Paris!
In the middle of the night, we are to crawl out the door and begin the invasion.
“Where’s the door?” I, the commander, asks.
We tapped out a message of surrender to a confused workcrew on the outside.
Ransom is such a dirty word. The diplomats will smooth it over with a gift of wine and cheese.

Butterflies

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What am I eating?
Butterflies.
Ever eaten butterflies? No?
Oh, they’re delicious.
I can’t decide if they taste better dipped in chocolate or hot sauce.
How do I cook them?
I don’t. I eat them raw.
Their wings melt with any kind of heat.
That’s okay – lots of things taste better raw, like peapods and carrots.
Okay, so they taste like crunchy fluff, but they hold the chocolate pretty well.
And hot sauce, too.
Hold it by the legs and stick the wings in the dip, then pop it in your mouth.
How did it taste? Delicious?
Told ya so.

My Spot

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There are five booths in Bill’s Diner.
This is my spot.
Second to last booth, seat facing the door.
Nobody takes my spot. If someone does, Bill tells them to sit somewhere else.
If they don’t move, he puts their coffee down at the counter.
Even the mailman knows this is my spot. He doesn’t even bother to deliver my mail to my apartment or my office.
He puts it down at my spot.
Same with the paperboy.
Bill asked if I wanted like a metal plaque or something to mark my spot
There’s no point, really.
Everybody already knows.

Leftover Turkey

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Thanksgiving is over.
Leftover turkey for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
That’s right. Breakfast.
Ever had turkey bacon?
Well, I made a machine that turns leftover turkey into turkey bacon.
I’m not claiming that it tastes like real bacon, but it’s really close.
And considering that you’re sick and tired of the taste of turkey, I’m sure you wouldn’t mind having your turkey as turkey bacon.
Yams are another story. There’s absolutely nothing you can do to yams to make them less like yams.
We’ll take those out to the landfill and bury them for 10,000 years like all hazardous waste.

The Lobster Races

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I’ve got a special treat in store for you.
No, we’re not going to the movies. There’s no good movies out right now.
We’re going to the lobster races tonight!
They take a pair of lobsters and strap them to roller skates.
Then, they roll those roller skates down a street.
First one across the finish line wins. The loser gets eaten.
Okay, so they eat the winner too. Nobody wins this race.
Except for the people who eat the lobsters.
Know who loses the worst?
Me. Because those are my roller skates.
On second thought, let’s see a movie.

Chipmunk

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I mourned your death, O Furry Little Creature – so small and cute you were.
Day after day.
Year after year.
Century after century.
This ritual never changes.
I hold out the little peanut, you see it and stand up, sniffing the air.
I shake it. You creep closer, slowly, wary.
Almost close enough now. One paw reaches. I toss the peanut behind you.
You start to flee, but you stop. Sniff.
You grab it and scurry away.
To the road. The highway. A truck is coming, but you do not see it!
Splat!
I will miss you, my furry friend.

Pumpkin Screams

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This genetic engineering shit gives me a case of the heebie jeebies.
These newfangled pumpkins scream and ooze blood when you carve them.
When it got to Thanksgiving turkeys that gobble to the tune of “over the river and through the woods” even after you cut their heads off, I got worried.
How did it start? Let me think… It started with a simple splice of DNA to produce Yule logs that burn with natural cinnamon spice scent.
All downhill from there, rabbits laying eggs and crazy shit like that.
Oh. Great. Here comes Santa Clone.
Earlier every damn year.