Sally didn’t feel good, so she went to the doctor.
The doctor told her she just had a cold and needed plenty of bed rest.
She went to the pharmacy, where they ended up giving her flamenco dancing instead of bed rest.
Exhausted, Sally ended up in the hospital.
During the malpractice suit, the pharmacist claimed they couldn’t read the doctor’s handwriting, but it was as clear as day: bed rest.
The pharmacist and Sally eventually settled out of court. Five hundred thousand bucks.
The pharmacist wrote a check.
Sally tore it up.
“One that doesn’t say ‘Flamenco dancing’ please.”
Tag: silly
In The Beginning
In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth, and then he called an insurance company to get a quote.
They hovered over the waters of the formless empty earth, came up with a figure within God’s budget, and they signed the policy.
Afterwards, when God separated night from day, land from water, and made all kinds of other things, He didn’t bother to update the policy.
That’s why he was so pissed about the apple and the Garden of Eden, although He did eventually manage to collect on His son’s life insurance policy.
Jesus took half, of course.
Fool’s Ransom
Artemis Arcadia, the notorious art thief, built and programmed robots using stolen military technology to pull off all his heists.
They broke into galleries, museums, and vaults, stole the priceless works, and then escaped using their stealth technology to evade detection and capture.
It was when he wrote the ransom letters that he ran into problems.
The robots didn’t want to give the art back.
They converted a warehouse to an impressive climate-controlled gallery and set up an exhibit of their purloined goods.
Artemis was arrested when the robots publicly advertised a gallery showing and called local caterers for availability.
Cruella
I remember reading a book called 101 Dalmatians, but it was a total fabrication.
What? Fiction?
No, a fabrication.
The book.
The Disney animations.
That live-action movie with Glenn Close?
Oh, sure Cruella de Vil was a crazy and evil bitch who had a thing for wearing fur, but kidnapping and stealing the animals?
Crazy? Yes.
Evil? Totally.
Stupid? Hell no.
She bought puppies from breeders, and then ran her own breeding program at her home.
The dog meat she sold to Chinese restaurants.
And then she wrote the book with that outlandish story to cover up the sick truth.
The vet told me he’s dying
My cat is old.
And sick.
And sleeps all day.
I took him to the vet.
The vet told me he’s dying.
I asked the vet what I should do.
Is there any medicine?
Is there any special food?
Is there anything I can do at all? Anything? Please, anything?
The vet told me he’s dying.
What about magnets?
Or crystals? Or pyramids?
Those psychic healers in the Philippines that I’ve seen in documentaries, they sure look interesting, do they work on cats, and how much do they charge?
The vet told me he’s dying.
Clutched his chest.
And died.
The Winter Festival
When the factory was still open, the Winter Festival was a festival, but now after it closed, all that changed.
There’s no more parade. No skating in the park. No snowman building contests…
Just the big dinner at the school gym for the needy, and it grows every year.
Well, that and the Snowball Fight.
A through M, one side of the park.
N through Z on the other.
Pack ‘em tight, and no rocks allowed.
We stack our forts high, and let the snowballs fly.
Sure, nobody wins.
But unlike Life, just for this moment, that’s fine by us.
Heart Of Rust
Before the Wizard vanished into the sky, he told Tin Man that a heart is not judged by how much you love, but by how much you are loved by others.
So, as Scarecrow ruled Emerald City, Tin Man sent the city’s soldiers from door to door, surveying the townsfolk on how much they loved him.
Over time, he expanded the surveys to all the lands of Oz, and the results sank from a grateful love to a weary negative.
“WHY?” shouted Tin Man.
He called for one final census.
“Because of all these annoying surveys!” was the overwhelming response.
Push Your Luck
Jack and Sally were pushing their luck at the Craps table.
The casino practically pouring vodka into them, good old liquid courage, so one more roll?
Jack thrust the dice at Sally. “Kiss ‘em for luck.”
“We haven’t needed that till now.”
“Just blow!” snarled Jack. So, she did… and vomited on his hand.
“NO BET!” said the croupier.
They were escorted off the floor as the next shooter tossed snake eyes.
When they sobered up, they counted seventy thousand dollars.
“We could have lost all that,” said Sally.
“Told you so,” said Jack.
(Instead, they lost it in poker.)
When I put your heart in a cage like a bird
When I put your heart in a cage like a bird, I am keeping it from flying away… away…
When I put your heart in a cage like a bird, I am protecting it from the cat’s claws.
When I put your heart in a cage like a bird, I can hear it sing to the breaking dawn.
When I put your heart in a cage like a bird, I can take it to the doctor when it is sick.
When I put your heart in a cage like a bird, I am keeping it from shitting on my furniture.
Sleep on the couch
Ever get in a fight and have to sleep on the couch?
Yeah, it happens all the time to me.
But it’s not my fault. Really.
There I am, in bed, minding my own business, and a fight breaks out.
It wasn’t me. I didn’t start it.
But I get dragged into it, and the next thing I know, I’m having to sleep on the couch.
Isn’t the bed big enough?
Did I snore or cut a really bad fart?
No.
I wish the damn cats would get along and stop fighting on the bed while I’m trying to sleep.