Category: My stories

It’s really hard keeping animals alive, said the zookeeper.
Especially when there’s so many different kinds of animals.
Some eat plants. Some eat meat. Some eat bugs.
It’s a real bitch keeping it all straight.
And shoveling up all the poop? It’s disgusting!
So, I replaced all the animals with stuffed animals.
With a few Raspberry Pis and articulators, their tongues can flick out, or they can blink, but seriously, most animals you see at the zoo are asleep in the corner of their cage.
But it’s really hard keeping articulators working, so we’ll just prop up some cardboard cutouts.

The raven god flies over our village every spring to bless the planting season.
And he comes back every fall to bless the harvest.
All the tribes come for the festivals.
We all lay down our weapons and are one.
We sacrifice seed and corn to the raven god.
The dancing. The bonfires.
It’s a powerful time for all.
We drink the sacred drink, and we dance.
The fires become ash.
The night becomes dawn.
We all say our goodbyes.
Our brothers pick up their weapons, mount their horses, and return to their villages.
Until the next festival time comes.

The naming conventions of college conferences are insane.
Some were some based on regions of the country.
But others were based on the number of members they had.
The Big Ten had ten teams, and the Big Twelve had twelve teams.
It made sense… until those big conferences got bigger.
The Big Ten expanded to twelve teams, but stayed Big Ten.
And the Big Twelve got bigger, but kept Big Twelve.
Despite the Big Ten having more claim to their name.
In the end. they will get bigger.
Until Big Ten eventually spans ten states, and Big Twelve spans twelve.

I’ve never been to India.
I hear that they have hundreds of varieties of mangoes there.
Here, in American stores, there’s only two or three varieties of mangoes.
And each has its own subtle sweetness and tartness and texture.
On the other hand, there are hundreds of varieties of apples.
The store has dozens of them, and they change what they stock based on the season.
Over there in India, do they have so many kinds of apples?
People sip “flights” of tequilas and whiskeys, shot glasses on a board to sample.
Why not a flight of mangoes? Or apples?

Tendy works in The Word Factory.
She’s in the development division that makes new raw words.
They also work with rejects that come in for refurbishment and recycling.
The functional prototypes go to the testing division.
Tendy’s friend Bartch works in Testing.
He runs words through durability testing to ensure they can stand up to frequent use.
Some words come back to Tendy for necessary improvements.
While others go out for field testing.
Once a week, the whole factory listens to the CEO as he reads off the list of new words.
For the exceptional words, the creators get bonuses.

Casey’s brought his car into the shop again.
It’s a disaster on wheels, but he can’t get rid of it.
“It’s the car I’d drive my kid to the hospital in,” he said.
She died of something slow and horrible, it was in the papers.
And so was he.
“You’re too good to me,” he said. “Fix her up good as new again?”
I think they’d what he was telling the doctors.
The other guys at the shop say he’s wrecking it for attention.
“Munchausen” is what they call it.
I looked it up. And wondered what killed his kid.

The report says that halfway through the flight, a guy in first class loses his shit.
He’s a science teacher, and the pull tab on his soda can uses a second class lever.
“I thought this was first class!” he shouts. “I want a first class lever! Effort, Fulcrum, Weight! ”
He starts hitting the flight attendant with a pillow.
“Stop!” she shouts. “That’s also a second-class lever!”
And he stops long enough for the marshal to knock him out.
How a science teacher affords first class, I dunno.
And how a flight attendant knows basic physics, that’s a bigger mystery.

Sure, I could watch baseball at home, but there’s nothing like going to the park.
It gets me out of the house for a while.
It’s amazing how things have gone from paper tickets to a code on your cell phone.
The apps do everything… tickets, ordering food.
I noticed a beta feature on the app that says BALL.
When I tapped it, sure enough, a ball was hit right at me.
Knocking me out cold.
I woke up in the hospital. I’ll be here for a few days.
But at least I’m out of the house for a while.

When I ask Siri to do advanced math calculations, I think fondly of every math teacher telling me “You won’t always have a calculator.”
Well, I did then, and I do now.
I didn’t always have batteries, but when I got a solar calculator, I didn’t need them.
And then I imagine the math teachers in Hell, having a hundred calculators jammed into every orifice of their body.
Over and over.
Oh, and slide rules, too.
Can’t forget slide rules.
Sodomize those bastards with them.
What about abacuses?
Not as much, I think.
Maybe spank the math teachers with those.

Back in the old days, there was a game called Wizardry.
It was like Dungeons and Dragons with wizards, fighters, thieves, and clerics.
There were also bishops who could identify items that you could sell to the store.
Pretty useless otherwise. I’d leave them before.
Clerics were good for two things: healing combat characters and raising them from the dead.
Much cheaper than raising them in the town’s chapel.
If your entire party died, well, you had to send someone down to fetch their bodies.
Just pray your bishop can run fast enough to avoid getting seen by the monsters.