The bones of Richard The Third were recently discovered under a parking lot in Leicester England.
His identity was confirmed with DNA analysis, combined with evidence of his famous battle wounds.
The reassembled skeleton confirmed that he suffered from severe spinal curvature and deformity as a result of scoliosis.
When scientists are done with their research, he will be given a proper burial at Leicester Cathedral.
Although one might imagine that Michael Jackson, famous for collecting the bones of John Merrick The Elephant Man, would want to buy Richard’s famous misaligned bones, too.
Thank goodness that disgusting child-molester is dead.
Tag: history
Pudding of the Gods
Prometheus was always stealing things from the Gods to bring down to Man.
“What’s this?” asked Man, staring at a bowl full of strange glop.
“Pudding,” said Prometheus. “It’s delicious. You eat it with a spoon.”
“What’s a spoon?” asked Man.
Prometheus took a spoon out of his pocket.
“That doesn’t look too clean,” said Man.
So, Prometheus wiped it on his toga.
His sweaty, grimy toga.
“You’re kidding, right?” asked Man.
“Oh, just use your fingers,” said Prometheus.
Man did. “Ew. Butterscotch.”
Prometheus growled. “Wait here.”
And he ran up Olympus to get some fire to incinerate Man with.
Wipe
Should auld acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind?
I thought I’d solve that problem when I developed MindWipe.
Neurotransmitter blockers combined with targeted quantum spin alteration treatments to eliminate specific memories.
It wasn’t hard to formulate champagne with the blockers, but how do you convince someone to lay still in a quantum spin generator?
That’s when I came up with the relay.
We shaped it like a sparkly tiara, and I made the whole ballroom a quantum spin generator.
When the clock struck twelve, I threw the switch.
Oh, poor Dick Clark.
We’ll say it was a stroke.
Penny Saved
Benjamin Franklin said that a penny saved is a penny earned, but these days a penny is close to worthless.
However, if you save a lot of pennies, you could roll them up and exchange them for a few bucks.
The most I ever saved up at once was thirty bucks, and that had been kinda heavy.
Instead of wasting all that effort, I now stick a pound of pennies in a sock, and then whallop people on the head with them.
The most I’ve gotten that way was two hundred bucks from a guy coming out of the bank.
Grepton
The Grepton metabolism cannot handle large amounts of salt.
Nobody told Rufus this. Or told him the fact that Greptons exist.
He fired his rock salt-loaded shotgun at the the “college kids” who were making circles in his crops.
Instead of scaring them off, the salt killed the little bastards.
The Grepton Ambassador demanded Rufus’ extradition so they could charge him for murder.
The Deputy Undersecretary For Alien Affairs said “No.”
“They were my children!”
“No.”
Deeply hurt, the Grepton Ambassador left.
So, when you say Elvis is dead, technically you’re right.
But to Elvis, Earth is dead to him.
Tickler
Julius Caesar had an assistant who’s job was to whisper “Caesar, thou art mortal” into his ear every so often to remind him to remain humble.
He also had a man whisper “Caesar, thou art ticklish” into his ear to remind him that he was ticklish. Then, that advisor would unleash a fury of tickles that would bring the great dictator to his knees with laughter.
Once, the tickling advisor went too far, and Caesar felt humiliated and violated.
He ordered the man to be executed.
The first advisor probably should have whispered “Tickler, thou art mortal” now and then.
Milton
The poet John Milton was married three times.
His first wife, Mary, gave birth to four children, dying while she gave birth to the fourth.
His second wife, Katherine, died while giving birth to their daughter Katherine, who died soon after.
His third wife was Elizabeth, who was much younger than him, and she lived eleven years with Milton until his death.
A plaque on the wall of her home describes her as Milton’s “Third and best wife.”
She wanted to put “Just a breeding sow” and “Second and lamest wife” plaques up.
Instead, she bought a pretty new dress.
Robbery
When people asked Willie Sutton why he robbed banks, he never said “Because that’s where the money is!” as an answer.
No, the truth is that he robbed banks because that’s where the free toasters were.
“They must be really good toasters, too,” he’d say. “Otherwise, why would they hire armed guards to watch over them?”
If you pointed out that the armed guards were there to protect the money, he’d laugh. “Sure. Right.” And then he’d go to the store to buy more Pop Tarts.
“One day I’ll find that Milton,” he’d say, and then plan the next robbery.
Babbage
Famous inventor Charles Babbage may never have built his Analytical Engine due to his inability to focus on manufacturing, but he did create punchcards to program it.
What the punchcards will do, we’re not completely sure.
We scanned in all his blueprints and notes, and our simulations suggest that it involves basic counting and number processing functions, but then when the museum staff built a Difference Engine from his original plans, the RING BELL function chimed out strange, plaintive messages in Morse Code…
Messages from the dead.
Visitors kept mistaking it for a fire alarm, so we disconnected the bell.
Wild Pizza
Every day, 75 acres of pizza are eaten in the United States.
At this rate, if we don’t work harder to conserve our Pizza Wilderness, pizza in the wild will be extinct.
You might think that your local hand-tossed the best, but there’s nothing quite like naturally-grown.
When harvested right. Which Domino’s, in its greed and haste, fails to do.
It’s ruined during transport. Spoils quickly. So they freeze it.
Disgusting! Truly abominable!
Teddy Roosevelt tried to create The Pizza Reserve, with its beautiful mozzarella blooms and tomato sauce falls. Instead, he protected Yellowstone.
Wanna go out for a slice?