Maybe back in the days of the Ancients, Perseus would have cut off a Gorgon’s head and bagged it, but today we’ve got a little something called The Law.
And nobody’s actually passed a law against petrification besides First Degree Assault By Witchcraft.
Lawyers say it’s not like she’s killed anyone. Just turned them to stone, that’s all.
“If there’s a magical curse of the Gods that petrifies people, then there’s probably a blessing that depetrifies them.”
We send in the robots, fire up the speakers, read her rights to her, and she asks for an attorney.
A blind attorney.
Tag: silly
Dr. Vickers
Dr. Vickers told me there’s only three directions you can run:
To something.
Away from something.
And in circles.
Ten years of coming here, laying on this couch and telling him everything.
He takes a stack of notes from his desk drawer.
“Do you know what this is?” he asks.
I shake my head.
“It’s you,” he says.
He walks to his fireplace and tosses the notes on to the fire.
“You’ve been going in circles all this time. Now, you’re going to leave here.”
“Where will I go?” I ask.
“That’s your decision,” he says, and opens the door.
Chocolate
Janey loves chocolate.
Just the mention of chocolate gets her all excited.
Her eyes open wide, and she smiles that smile, open slightly, waiting.
You could cover anything in chocolate and she’d want it.
Anything.
So, when the varsity football team heard about this, well, you knew there’d be trouble.
Boys will be boys, and when she saw the chocolate, she couldn’t resist.
Moments later, eleven panicked screaming jocks clutching their bleeding junk running for the nurse’s office.
Janey claimed innocence. “I didn’t mean to hurt them. I just got excited, that’s all. And I thought they were solid chocolate.”
Cheaters
The big Necromancy test is tomorrow, and the Wizard Academy wants to ensure that nobody cheats on it.
All potions must be mixed fresh the day of the exam.
No special talismans or charms allowed.
And any attempt at cribbing spiritual energies from a classmate are strictly prohibited.
This is enough to keep most students on the level, but there’s always a too-clever-for-their-own-evil pupil ready to break the rules to beat the grade curve.
To convince them to play it fair, they tell the students that they will be working with the corpses of cheaters from years past.
PENCILS DOWN!
Safe To Eat
I had to look twice to make sure I read it right.
Sure enough, the recipe called for Silly Putty.
“Is that shit safe?” I asked my wife. “I mean, can anything which picks up ink from the funnies be considered safe to eat?”
“Well, the package does say it’s non-toxic,” says my wife.
“So is a bucket of pinballs, but you don’t see me stir-frying them with snowpeas and carrots.”
“Mmmmmmm pinballs! We have ranch dressing, right?”
I closed the cookbook, put it back on the shelf, and headed out to the old-timey game arcade to shop for dinner.
Weightless
A poet once described being in love as feeling weightless all the time.
So, when I got a chance to ask a crewmember of the International Space Station if they felt like they were in love, I thought they’d say “Yes, all the time!”
Instead, I got a visit from a security team, checking me for adult diapers and asking to see the trunk of my car.
“You don’t own duct tape or other kidnapping implements, do you?” they asked.
I shook my head, then looked up. “Well, I own duct tape,” I said. “But not for that.”
They left.
Her eyes
Her eyes are so beautiful, so deep, and so bright.
I hired an artist to create glass eyes identical to them so I can carry them with me wherever I go.
A peek now and then reminded me of her beauty, like carrying a spring of lavender for the scent.
Then, when she died, I paid a taxidermist to have her mounted, and those glass eyes became hers for eternity, unblinking… staring at me across the room.
What? You think me a monster for doing this?
Wrong! Look upon her yourself! Was she not the finest bird you’ve ever seen?
Tom
A Bucket List is a list of things you want to do before you kick the bucket.
I’ve crossed off a few things so far, like “Kiss The Pope’s Ring” and “Invent Something Useful.”
But there’s some other things there like “Ask Tom Selleck why he didn’t have his trademark mustache in the film In & Out.”
So, when I saw he was on Twitter, I asked him.
And he answered. The producers didn’t think it was in character for the role.
I thank him, scratch that item from the list, and I’ll cross off “Write a silly story” too.
Yard Sale
I bought a ghost.
At a yard sale.
Although, it was technically an estate sale, considering it was all the ghost’s stuff being sold off.
And I didn’t mean to buy the ghost. I wanted to buy a sweater, some coffee mugs, and a really slick blender.
The ghost apparently came with all that stuff.
I asked for my money back, but they had a big NO REFUNDS sign.
And ALL SALES FINAL, so I couldn’t just give the stuff back.
It’s a nice sweater. And the blender’s nice and loud. Covers the ghost’s moaning and rattling chains.
More coffee?
Always a Jammer, Never a Blocker
Most women think of their wedding dress as the dress they’ll be married in.
Others think of it as the dress they’ll be buried in.
But Tracy’s thinking “How will this perform on the track?”
She joined the Bridezillas team as a jammer, fast and light, with a minimum of lace to reduce wind resistance and material for opponents to grab. But after years of working out and hitting the bars after matches, she switched to blocker, and she wanted more flashy and style.
She checked a sleeve. Shiny… glittering…
Pretty as a picture.
Plus, rhinestones always leave a mark.