Tag: food

Mouse Trap

636182

Everybody’s trying to build a better mousetrap.
Me, I’m trying to build a worse mousetrap.
You can waste your time with engineering and materials science and physics and such, but after playing that old kids’ game, I just want to make a mess and a whole lot of noise.
Who cares if it traps a mouse or not, right? Half the fun is getting there.
And mom always said that you can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs.
Speaking of which, what else do you want with your omelet besides shredded mouse?
Yeah, I thought you’d want cheese.

Shopper

636192

Susan held the can of peas in her hands and thought for a moment… how did she know that there were peas in there?
She grabbed a can of corn from the shelf and looked at it. Was she certain it contained corn?
She took a razor blade and peeled off the labels from the cans, switched them, and smoothed them over the dribble of glue on the can’s seal.
What was in each can now? Was there corn in the corn can and peas in the pea can?
She put them back on the shelf to maintain the mystery.

Salt and Pepper

636187

Her collection started simple – a dog and a cat. The dog held the pepper and the cat held the salt.
Then, she got a bride and groom set. The Bride’s dress used to be as white as the salt inside it.
Year after year, shelf by shelf – the shaker collection grew.
They kept her company in her old age, surrounding her with gleaming beauty.
When she died, she asked that her ashes be poured inside the shakers and her house turned into a museum.
Instead, the ashes were lost at the mortuary, and the shakers are sold off on eBay.

The Trail

636187

I walk the mountain trail, my rage builds as I pick up each and every empty candy wrapper or soda can.
This path was once beautiful, just a simple trail winding its way upward.
Then, someone got it in their mind to simplify it and pave it and stick vending machines at either end.
The trash barrels are always full, so every so often the wind blows off the top layer of trash back into the trail.
It’s quiet right now, just before dawn. There’s a faint breeze blowing through the leaves.
Pretty soon the tourists will come.
Damn them.

Pancakes

636180

The Oracle of Omaha breakfasts at the same diner I go to every day.
There’s always a crowd there because folks are always wanting to ask him for advice.
Me, I’ve never asked him anything.
Why? Because everybody asks the same things over and over.
And nothing about how he’s doing and such. It’s always folks looking to get rich.
So, one day, he gets fed up and tells everyone: “Buy waffles, sell high.”
Weird, huh?
Problem is, the media got hold of this advice, and the entire economy collapsed overnight.
Me, I didn’t fall for it.
I bought pancakes.

Pizza Time

694174

Okay, so my wife was making pizza the other night, and I got to chop up the veggies.
I like to use the alligator chopper thingy we have. It dices them up real good. And, it’s fun, too!
Then, I dry out the veggies and then get out some mushrooms to blot on paper towels.
My wife doesn’t like mushrooms on pizza, so I put them only on half.
She baked the thing, pulled it out of the oven, and guess which half I ate from?
Yeah, that’s right. The one without mushrooms. Her half.
I’m a bad, bad husband.

Mmm Mmm Blood

694178

Pierre had the sharpest and fastest knives in any kitchen in Paris.
So it comes as no surprise that when he chopped his finger off while cutting up vegetables for the soup, he didn’t realize he’d done it until he’d dropped them in the pot.
Along with his finger.
By the time the paramedics had arrived, Pierre had passed out and his assistant was keeping pressure on the wound.
Nobody could find the finger, and apparently they didn’t realize he’d put it into the soup.
Know what?
It tastes delicious.
And best of all – he’s got 9 fingers left.

Missing Milk

694176

Someone stole a milk carton out of my refrigerator.
So, I glued a photo of it to a bunch of children in the neighborhood.
There was a caption, too:
HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MILK CARTON?
It took nine months and two million dollars, but I eventually tracked down my milk carton.
There was no milk left in it when the detectives found it.
Whether its captor had consumed the milk or they had tossed it out because the milk had gone bad, we’ll never know.
But, really, thank God it’s home.
I think I’ll make a boat out of it.

Cookie Crumbles

696373

“That’s the way the cookie crumbles,” said Doctor Odd’s mother.
“Why?” asked the Child Odd.
He was eight. Young, but still the sapling that would grow into the mad scientist the world would fear.
“I don’t know,” said his mother.
From that point on, Doctor Odd begged for cookies – demanded them.
Mother Odd gladly provided, watching her son meticulously test each batch, suggest adjustments to the recipe, and come up with various cookie-crumbling techniques.
On her deathbed, Mother Odd asked her son what he’d discovered from all this research.
Doctor Odd smiled and patted her hand. “I prefer brownies.”

Bagel

639782

I put the sliced bagel in the toaster and I thought for a bit… what do I want on it when it’s ready?
This is very important to me. This is how I’m starting my day, you know.
Grape jelly?
Butter?
Cream cheese, onions, and nova?
No, it’s Monday, and that’s Hummus Day.
I look in the refrigerator and I see the jelly, butter, and cream cheese.
But no hummus.
I forgot to buy some at the store.
Sure, it was on my shopping list, but I forgot to get it.
The toaster pops.
The bagel’s ready, but I’m not.