It starts with the rumors on Twitter.
“Ghadafi captured.”
Then come the rumors that he’s been killed.
Jokes that Ghadafi’s captured, Khadafi killed, and Qadafy’s denying it all.
A photo appears. People shout “Photoshop!”
Finally, confirmation. He’s dead.
Drudge Report posts a photo of Obama shaking hands with Ghadafi.
Ghadafi’s in one of his wacked-out robes, looking like Keith Richards gone mad in a bazaar.
I mutter “Why is he shaking hands with that asshole?”
“It’s diplomacy,” says my friend. “Even dictators like Ghadafi get basic respect.”
I laugh. “I mean why is Ghadafi shaking hands with that asshole Obama?”
Tag: silly
The Elegant Elephant
The Elegant Elephant
Dons his top hat
Puts on a tuxedo
Gives his wallet a pat
“Where are the tickets
To the opera?” he thinks
”Are they lost? Are they gone
If they are, well, that stinks”
”They’re at the box office”
Says his wife, heaving sighs
”I knew that, I knew that”
The old elephant lies
His wife says “You’re senile
Or maybe you’re drunk
If it weren’t attached
You’d forget your trunk!”
“How do I look?”
“I think you look fine.”
She gives him a stare.
“I mean, you look simply divine.”
And they had a good time.
Sockpuppet
Nobody paid Walter Drub any notice.
But his sockpuppet, Senator Fenton, was leading the polls in October. Practically a shoe-in for the presidency.
I can’t explain how this happened. It’s just as weird to me as it is to you, and I’m his chief of staff.
But somehow, Boston elected a sockpuppet mayor, then senator, and now the entire country was falling in love with him.
Sadly, it all came crashing down when Walter tried to wash Fenton, and he vanished in the dryer.
He tried using a right sock.
“Impostor!” people shouted, and poor Walter ran for his life.
A Hard Lesson To Learn
The teacher held a globe near a bright light.
“Let’s say the light is the sun,” she said. “As we turn the globe, we see how the sunlight falls on different parts of the world, making night and day.”
She went on to demonstrate the earth’s axis, seasons, the earth’s orbit…
But Joshua had heard enough.
“This proves that there is no God, no Heaven, no angels,” he whispered to the angel standing next to his desk. “So go away.”
“Who do you think set all this up?” asked the angel.
Joshua sighed, and changed his milk to chocolate milk.
Humpty Pepsi
The sodas in the break room machines are free.
If you select the wrong one, you’re supposed to put it on the table for someone else to take.
Nobody ever does, though. They’re warm by then.
So, I took a diet Pepsi and put it on my cubicle divider.
I named it Humpty Pepsi.
After five months, a coworker’s elbow hit it, and it fell on the floor, spraying him and all of his stuff.
He was not amused.
I wasn’t either, because all of my horses and all of my men will never put Humpty Pepsi back together again.
The Thinkerer Thinks
The Thinkerer thinks
The Thinkerer thinks
Gathering links
Gathering links
His list of links shrinks
His list of links shrinks
Tossing those he thinks stinks
Tossing those he thinks stinks
Working out all the kinks
Working out all the kinks
And occasional chinks
And occasional chinks
Ignoring the finks
Ignoring the finks
He smiles and winks
He smiles and winks
Serving up some drinks
Serving up some drinks
We toast, the glass clinks
We toast, the glass clinks
Causing many hijinks
Causing many hijinks
Sitting there like the Sphinx
Sitting there like the Sphinx
The Thinkerer thinks
The Thinkerer thinks
Short Daily Devotion
I saw a sign on the church door that said “Short Daily Devotion at 8” and walked in.
Standing there at the podium was a midget in a cassock, and he was silently praying to empty pews.
Then, he noticed me come in the door, and looked up.
“Come in!” he said. “Come in!”
I walked in, took a seat at a pew, and he said “Come on up to the front row so I don’t have to shout, please?”
And we prayed. For two hours.
Sure, I could have left, but I didn’t want to be short with him.
The Closet
Like every other geek, my closet is stuffed full of old computer junk.
There’s all kinds of other junk in there.
Worn-out toaster.
Busted microwave.
A VCR.
And it’s all piled up, waiting to come crashing down on the next poor dumb sap who opens the door too quickly.
I could invite over an enemy, tell them there’s something for them in the closet, and they open it…
I’d tell the cops it was an accident. Or a suicide.
Hey, I’ve got some of their handwriting still… I can scan it in.
Now, where’s that scanner…
Ah, in the closet!
The Circle Of Not Life
Poor Charlie Brown.
Every Halloween, we’d watch his Great Pumpkin Special, hoping he’d get candy, but he ended up getting a bag full of rocks.
I’d dream of Charlie, waking up before the break of dawn with that bag full of rocks, going from house to house, tossing those rocks through windows and yelling “ALL I WANTED WAS SOME GODDAMNED CANDY!”
Instead, I think he crafted Pet Rocks out of them and made a fortune selling them as Christmas gifts.
People got bored with them, and on Halloween, they’d drop them in Charlie’s bag again.
“SON OF A FUCKING BITCH!”
School’s Out
Our school can’t afford the electric bill.
Wind turbines, solar cells, and other renewable energies just can’t generate all the energy we need.
So, we rigged up a system of wires and pulleys to the backs of students heads so as they fall asleep from boredom, their nodding off are driving flywheels hooked to magnets.
The results have been spectacular. We have more than enough energy for our needs. In fact, we’re making money by sending energy back to the grid.
Problem is, we’re having to bore our students. Nobody’s learning anything.
Oh well. As if that’s anything new, right?