Tag: society

Not A Dream

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Every time something bad happens to me, I close my eyes and tell myself “This is only a dream.”
The time when gigantic jelly donuts were attacking The Pentagon? Only a dream.
The time when Nancy Pelosi was whipping Newt Gingrich in my bedroom? Only a dream.
The time when Superman froze Lake Superior and dropped it on Idaho? Only a dream.
Standing naked in front of the rest of the school during Final Exam Week?
It’s not a dream. It’s totally real.
I wonder – if I scream loud enough, Superman will hear me and drop Lake Erie on me?

Walking

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The cost of shoes has skyrocketed.
Shoes used to be inexpensive, but they’re become expensive because of greedy speculators and shoe industry executives.
People are being urged to conserve their shoes, but they keep buying socks that wear shoes out quickly, or they insist on walking when they should be driving.
Or riding a bicycle, but bicycles aren’t exactly cheap these days, either. And our infrastructure just isn’t ready for them.
“We’re a walking economy,” says the President. “So we need to reduce our dependency on foreign sources of shoes.”
Lots of talk, but we never truly walk the walk.

Election Day

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Some people want to vote early, but I like the thrill of Election Day itself.
One by one, we approach the booth, make our choices, and step out into the hall.
That’s where the clown smacks us in the face with a pie.
This year, it’s strawberry pies, but in the past it’s been cherry pies, apple pies, cream pies, and pumpkin pies.
I like pumpkin pie the best, so I always vote for pumpkin pie.
Sure, it’s messy, but it’s my favorite and it’s our civic duty to vote.
All those people, voting absentee, getting their pies delivered.
Pathetic!

Treasure

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Some say buried among the stones and markers lies mankind’s greatest treasure.
Not gold, not silver, not precious stones.
It’s something we all seek, sometimes even beg for.
We all have it. It’s within us all, so hard to give, and harder to accept.
And hardest of all, even though it is within us, we find it hardest to give to ourselves.
Time and time again, they come here for it.
Rarely do they find it. It can’t be taken.
It may be too late to beg the dead for forgiveness, but it is never too late to forgive yourself.

Joe Christ

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It was a great costume idea.
Joe would dress up like Jesus and we’d strap him to a cross on our porch. He’d hand out candy and blessings to all the kids that were brave enough to ask him.
When the big day came, we were a little drunk, so instead of strapping him to the cross at the waist, we went ahead and nailed him to it.
It took us a while to realize that Joe couldn’t hand out candy in that condition.
So, we broke his legs, speared him in the gut, and shoved him behind a rock.

State quarters

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It was 1999, and the Delaware state quarters were released into circulation.
The parking meters were confused at the taste.
It was shaped like a quarter, but it tasted… subtly different.
Cherry? Cranberry?
Something like that.
“Is this another one of those stupid dollar coins?” asked a parking meter.
“It doesn’t feel like it,” said another. “It still tastes like a quarter.”
So, the parking meters agreed to treat them like quarters.
With every new state quarter, a new flavor greeted the parking meters.
Maple syrup, lavender, orange… what a wonderful variety they enjoyed.
Until Utah.
That tasted like crap.

Tree Crime

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I wanted to arrest that Maple Tree. I really did.
Instead, we took it Downtown for questioning.
Trees aren’t so tough when you get them away from other trees.
Still, it’s hard to pick a tree out of a lineup.
We hadn’t gotten to that point yet, though. The tree’s lawyer showed up, asks if his client has been charged with anything.
No, we say, but we just want a few questions answered.
Lawyer says the interview is over, we can’t charge him with anything, so it’s back to the forest.
I really hate the legal system sometimes, you know?

Files

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I can’t tell you how many times I was told something would go in my permanent file.
I always wondered where they kept those files. And if they bothered to convert all the old records to computer files when hard drives and computers got cheap.
What do they do with those things when people die? Do they burn the paper records and delete the computer files, or do they burn them to a CD or write them to a tape, stacking all the dead records in a box and putting them in a storage room?
Can this be considered immortality?

Blacksmith

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Son, I know you want to be a blacksmith, but come over here and take a look at these swords in the display case.
Each and every one of them has a history:
Forged in hellfire.
Slew twenty dragons.
Once owned by a king.
Enchanted by the Grand Mage of the Mountain
The truth is, they’re just ordinary swords.
But the human mind is a strange thing. Give a man a sword, and it’s just a sword. But give him a sword with a history and he fights better.
And he’ll pay for that, too.
Forget blacksmithing. Go into sales.

Flowers For A Stranger

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I don’t know why I was in the cemetery at midnight, wandering around with flowers in my hand.
I don’t know any dead people.
None I’d bring flowers for, anyway.
So, I put the flowers on a headstone, said a quick prayer, and went home.
Next day, I read in the paper that there were two murders at the graveyard.
Two old men shot each other after seeing flowers on the grave. Each suspected the other of having an affair with the woman they agreed never to steal from the other.
Even in death.
Isn’t jealousy and petty rivalry wonderful?