Weekly Challenge #401 – Coast

Welcome to the 100 Word Stories podcast at oneadayuntilthedayidie.com. I’m your host, Laurence Simon.

This is Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.

The topic this week was COAST.

We’ve got stories by:

(The song is “Texas In The Spring” – buy it on CD Baby)

The next 100 word stories weekly challenge is on the topic of HORN.

Use the Share buttons at the end of the post to spam your social networks. This obligatory cat photo should help make the Internet go faster:

Huggy Tinny

Finally, if there are any errors or corrections, please let me know, and I’ll fix them as soon as possible.

JOHN

John Musico, “Valhalla Beckons”

As every time before, the Norseman wondered; “Would this be the last voyage?”
For such men there was only conquest or the warm afterlife, both were good.
He sat in the lodge with a far off gaze, leaning over a wooden plate and horn of mead.
The wind outside was icy, as always.
The other journeymen sat spattered at the table, postured much the same, bearing the same distant stare.
As if signaled, they rose nearly in unison; it was time to go back to the ship.
Again the wind blew; it was an odd warm wind. The Norseman smiled.

JEFFREY

Drive
by Jeffrey Fischer

When others think of Christmas, they may think of the birth of Jesus, or gifts, or the aromas of cooking. Not me. Every Christmas I find myself on the road, driving up the coast, en route to visit my mother. She doesn’t recognize me. We exchange pleasantries, as if two strangers met. I press a gift into her hands and kiss her on the cheek, wishing her a merry Christmas as she gives me a bewildered look. Then I’m back in my car, tuning the radio to a station that promises to play anything but Christmas music.

Flying
by Jeffrey Fischer

Growing up, when snow fell, the big kids would take their sleds and coasters to Doom Hill. I could hear their screams of excitement and terror. I wished I could join them, but my parents refused to allow me.

The year I was fourteen, snow came early. I told my parents I would be at Jimmy’s house, the took my sled to Doom Hill. As I gathered speed, I coasted for a minute then launched into space, flying for a second. I was free. Then I crashed and broke my arm in two places.

ZACKMANN

“A gift for your husband, The Ramen Noodle himself. Coast deodorant soap.”

“Where is he? I heard the pickup coasting into the driveway.”

“Yeah, hypermiling isn’t safe but you know how he can get all Sargent Packet when he wants to try something. Like when he says “That’s a Sugar Glider? That isn’t what a sugar glider should be” then drags me to Costco to buy enough Corn Syrup to build a sugar glider to launch himself off the barn hopefully coasting safely to the ground.”

“Why Coast?”

“The ad said it’s the Eye Opener and we can always hope.”

RICHARD

Coast

I remember the last family trip we took to the coast – unaware that we’d never again have the opportunity. The sand, the sun, and – most of all – the sea remain forever etched in my memories… but I can no longer look upon the sea, or the coast with any fondness.

The world grew warmer; the ice-caps melted, and the seas rose: flooding inland, taking towns, cities, homes and lives indiscriminately and without mercy.

We are the ‘fortunate’ ones – those who survived: those who remember the world as it once was.

Today, there is no coast – only the endless sea.

SPATE

Christmas 1982

——————————-

Regret is a heavy burden.

Take it from me:

If you find yourself living on the coast in a cheap drafty apartment that is more like a shack meant for summer rental but you’re there in the dead of winter trying to save a few bucks.

And if you’ve stretched out those few bucks to put as many presents under the tree as possible for your family but your five year old gets up before anyone else and opens every present by herself.

Then just laugh. Laugh like a drunken sailor.

Then you will have one less regret to carry.

SINGH

An idea catches the bus,

a desire to do and please

a bumpy plan gets down

takes chai at the workshop

chatter and more chai

the sound of whittling wood

a call to Brijpaal Chauhaan

the white car, pulling up

“Yes glad to serve”

talk and wobbling heads

eyebrows twitching with code

a favour called in by Barhai

a phone dialled to the depot

“the day after, coming”

be ready, arriving early

the bright idea says thank you

“No mention it is our duty”

the bright idea nods and runs

to ride the manic bus

happily back to the village

23.2

“So you agreed to this without first telling me?
What about the parents?” She was not pleased.
They were in the office. It was after lunch.

The children were all lying under the pipal,

a collective unconscious snooze, with rapid squirrels

running up and down the trunk. “But it’s fine.

They will love it, surely, and there’s no cost at all.”

There was nothing she good do, the bus was booked.

“Trust me, honey. I was thinking of the kids.
When the rains begin we won’t be able to move,

The roads they say will be tractor tread and bog.”

23.3

The requests ran home, returning orally
next day, as girls with pink and yellow ribbons,

plus shorts and fresh shirts whirling leather satchels

like slings collecting heads. “Ow!” said Atul.

Big-boned Kuldeep, a growing Bhima wrestled

with another boy, until their Madam scolded,

trying her best with hands and crippled Hindi.

“Are you sure it’s coming?” said Margot.

“Eight o’clock,”

Yogi had made the plan and had full faith,

in IST, that unreliable god.

Excitement was a fever hard to cure.
Yogi waited, peering down the road

for a cloud of dust and proof of his faith in Barhai.

23.4

At nine forty five in Indian Standard Time

the bus pulled up, growling like a tiger.

Kids piled headfirst through the hissing door

and fought for front row seats, but were expelled

from Madam and Yogi’s first class privileges

on cracked upholstery and a bad spring

like a jack-in-the-box poking through white fibre.

Thank God for that, thought Yogi. It would have been

bad with a no-show. A lady leopard

might have taken him apart all day and night.
But Barhai had come through. And so the bus

now turned and steered head on to Hastinapur.

23.5

Passing a tall swastika shrine

they dodged depressions and decay,

gears clunked down a snaking spine,

horn trumpeting: get out of my way!

The modern Ganges’ river of tar —

of wobbly cycles, motor bikes,

tempo, truck, three-wheeler, car

went short distance, or on long hikes

while women sat and spread out grain

and husked it via the tyres’ zoom,

or farm boys snatched stray culms of cane

from a bouncing tractor trolley’s boom

hitting a pothole. The school kids shoved,

pushing harder with each bus swerve.

Around some bend awaits the beloved,

the angel of death, eager to serve.

25.6

Yogi remembered the coasts of long white sand

taking greyhound buses up Coffs’ Harbour way,

those long stretches of straight road, then a turn

revealing coastal blue, some sweeping cliff

with seabirds like confetti above the spume.

Such road-days, going it alone were gone.

A wife was here and now new tension grew,

bumping into the other with each mad swerve

of the betel-chewing driver. Chauhaan was to come

to Hastinapur soon enough and then to tell

its Mahabharat story and then Jain.

Margot sat in silence slipping the beads

of a sandalwood mala between her patient fingers.

CLIFF

When the virus hit, it hit fast. If people didn’t fall to the bug, they fell to what was left. Zombies. It wasn’t like the movies. They were fast, tough, and worst of all, they were smart. They didn’t shamble. They hunted. Eventually, we realized that the only safe place was near the ocean. Salt water drove them back. Soon, the last remnants of mankind all lived within a few miles of the shore. Eventually, we’ll take back the interior but for now, this is all we have. The land of the dead surrounded by the coast of the living.

We used to go up to the top of the hill on Fourth Street on our bikes. The steep hill made for a tough ride, but when we got to the top, it was worth it. We’d line up and push off, our feet stuck out to the side as we flew down the hill. We blasted through the stop sign at Rush Street and ended up at the bridge. Now that I’m an adult, I like to think I’m pedaling up that hill. I just wonder if I’ll ever get to the point where I get to coast again.

MAGGY

Evie could just see the coast. She didn’t realise the little fishing boat
had carried her so far. There was no sign of Jack. She started towards
the line of thick bushes. She soon reached the other side. Plain white
sand then more trees and bushes.
“Jack!” she called, “Jack!” There was no response.
The scene was very familiar. His sketches, his paintings,
even his prints all had the scene included somewhere.
Suddenly, there was a rustling of leaves. “Jack,” she said,
dumbfounded. He was wearing an apron, dripping with red…paint?
Jack collapsed on the sand. “Oh!My god!”

TOM

A Well Defined Relationship Part 29
Timmy turned to Dino Mod, “Mr. Martin why are you here?” “Call me Dino. I
am an old friend of Mr. Banister. When he heard one of his last passengers
was in trouble he leaped straight into the thick, I am just in tow.”
“Sorry sir Sparky says your ID beckon is popping up all over Coast Net,
which means your a Troll Monkey from low places, or DX agent from rather
high places.” “Do I look likely to have a Coast pay grade. I’m just … ”
“Matt Helm. Seems Coast isn’t as secure as it uses to be.”

Professional Curtsey
“The coast is clear,” whispered Jack. “Doesn’t appear so, I would say the
coast is quite overcast,” return Frank. “Idiot, it’s a figure of speech. ”
Could have said something a bit less colorful, less chance to misinterpret
your intent.” “Shut the Fuck up. Can we get on with this?” “Don’t have to
get all defensive, you might seek out some anger management help when …”
“BLAM” Jack deftly stepped over Frank, eyeballed the remainder of his
second story crew. “The coast is clear.” Everyone’s heads vibrated in
recognition. Too bad Ralph took that moment to clear his throat. BLAM

Never Were a Red Uniform
Ivory sand was being lapped by cobalt waves. The horizon glowed with a
mixture of violent and vermillion. The twin suns dipped in the sea. Zax
PinderZal reclined on a beach chair a mere 20 yards from the Grand
Coastal. A regular circuit of cabana boys delivered Romulian Ale to his
up turned hand. Being the weapons officer on a starship did have its
perks. When your Coastal Ferengi resort has phasers lock on you, customer
satisfaction becomes paramount. When the twin Adorian hospitality hostess
arrive with the coco butter, Zax lowered his Ray Bans and said, “Make it
so.”

Not Pawnable
It’s odd the things we collect. In most cases the monetary value have a
inverse relationship to it sentiment value. Where I grew up was nearly as
far from any ocean as a person could be. So on my first trip to New York I
filled a glass aspirin bottle with water. During that same year I visited
San Francisco and armed with the same bottle fill it with water. When I
return to Chicago I mixed both oceans into a single jar. It sat in my
parents house for the next 20 years. Mom took it with to Phoenix.

SERENDIPITY

Clearing the reef, the lookout spied an unknown coast, not recorded upon our charts. We set to and launched a rowboat to the shore and, on making landfall, I claimed the new land in the name of king and country.

It was not long before we were surrounded by curious natives: we bartered beads and trinkets and were persuaded to visit their village, where it transpired a great feast was to be held in our honour.

Whilst we awaited the meal, the crew debated amongst themselves what delicacy might appear upon the menu…

The delicacy turned out to be us!

LIZZIE

The lighthouse swept the darkness of the sea and the vastness of the coast, alive in the distance, sparkling with tiny glow-worms. Being a tormented diva was hard work. So, when Millie ran up the stairs of the lighthouse with the intention of pretending to jump off, she didn’t really expect to see a man, struggling to swim ashore. Much to her surprise, Millie forgot about the diva plans and ran down the stairs. She jumped into the dark tormented waters and saved the dying man. That’s how she went from diva to angel. And somehow, she enjoyed the change!

JULIE

From my beach,

I see that coast—

The planes,

Circling, and returning again,

Waiting to land—

To the West.

The lights, the bridge

And in that dream–

The mushroom cloud imploding,

That shook me from sleep.

From my pier,

I remember

The smoky hole in the ground—

The fighter jets

Shaking the crystal in the case—

You and I, taking bets

On when the world would end.

Preaching your apocalypse

While I grilled fish.

I wish—

To be taken to the cliffs,

And scattered when I am gone—

Thousands of chalk tons melting

Into the sea

Crumbling my malaise away.

TURA

On an old map of Africa, you can read the names: Ivory Coast, Gold Coast, Slave Coast. Others appear only in the traders’ records. The Sweltering Boils Coast was to be avoided. The Angry Birds Coast was populated only by an alarmingly intelligent species of ostrich. On the Giant Hats Coast, it was absolutely taboo to go bare-headed, and the natives expressed their respectability by the size of their hat.

When the first European ship landed there, the captain doffed his hat to the local chief and bowed. The penalty for this deadly insult deterred all further attempts at trade.

MUNSI

Die Hard

By Christopher Munroe

I get that the premise eventually wore thin.

Guy trapped in place deals with whatever, with no outside aid. It was never the sort of premise that, however much Hollywood tried, was going to remain fresh. And yes, by the end of the ‘90s we were tired of the formula.

Nonetheless, man, Die Hard. It’s basically the perfect movie. Sharp, tight and witty, with just the right number of explosions.

If you’ve seen the film recently, you already understand what I mean.

If not, watch it with me!

Come out to the coast, we’ll get together, have a few laughs…

NORVAL JOE

I heard a guy justify sexual promiscuity by saying 100,000 years ago we had to spread our seed wherever we could to make sure our race would survive. By that same rationale, then, men should be allowed to rape teenage girls, since girls have no value to the tribe until proven they can bare children.
We litter because we used to live in trees. Out of site, out of mind. At least the tree was clean. Now, if you litter, you’re bad.
I choose monogamy because a hundred-thousand years of evolution should mean acting less like a monkey, not more.

PLANET Z

My friends in New York say that the East Coast is the best.
My friends in California say that the West Coast is the best.
My friends in Chicago say that the Lakefront is the best, but fuck those losers… that isn’t a coast.

If you want a coast, come down to Texas and enjoy the Gulf Coast.
No income tax, and low real estate costs. What’s not to like?
Hurricanes? When I last checked, the East Coast gets hit worse than the Gulf Coast.
Sure, it’s hot. But that’s what air conditioning is for.
And beer. Lots of beer.

Formation

Sitting in my living room, sipping a cup of tea, I heard the most unusual noise.
It was either a security airship passing, or three dozen lawnmowers flying overhead.
An airship was the likely source of the noise, since the most lawnmowers I’ve seen flying in formation was seven.
And it wasn’t so much as a flying formation of them, but a delivery truck striking a lamp post and its contents being strewn throughout the roadway.
So, it’s probably an airship.
Or the man next door, who makes odd noises like that.
His imitation of a cow is impressive, though.

Tilda

Bubba and Billy Bob had never been to New York.
So when they won a Broadway Weekend in the church raffle, they were in for the shock of their lives.
The buildings… traffic… lights… noise…
And…
“That’s the alien who busted up my truck and anal probed me!” hissed Bubba.
“You sure?” whispered Billy Bob.
Bubba nodded, and the men followed the pale gangly figure down the street until they managed to catch and drag it off.
They’d never been to the movies, or heard of Tilda Swinton.
And she wouldn’t anal probe Bubba, no matter how much he begged.

Truck Day

Truck Day is when a truck full of servers arrives at the datacenter loading dock.
We pull the crates off of the truck, uncrate the servers, stack them on to carts, roll them into the staging area, remove the hot swappable drive holders, unscrew spacers from them and screw the drives into place.
Meanwhile, other crews bolt on rail glides to the chassis, slide out the blades, fill them with memory, pop in the drives, and get them into the racks.
Finally, everything is cabled and scanned into inventory so it’ll be ready to host shit like this stupid story.

Little Bird

While walking home from the drug store, extra-strength laxatives in a bag, a bird shit on my head.
So, I pulled out my gun and flicked off the safeties.
But I didn’t shoot it.
Instead, I put the gun away and walked to the pet store.
I bought a bird.
When I got home, I thought about taking the laxatives and shitting on the bird.
Instead, I told the bird I love it for as long as it lived.
Which turned about to be five minutes.
My cats caught it and tore it to pieces.
Then I shat on it.

DNA

The DNA test results came back, and my father is not my father.
“Who is my father?” I asked.
“We have no idea,” said the lab technician. “But if you get us a DNA sample, we can run tests on it.”
So, I’ve been gathering up DNA from every man in the world.
Living or dead.
Well, except for the man who I thought was my father.
“I raised you, son!” I heard him say. “Come take a sample from me! It’s the least you can do!”
So, I took a scraping from his cheek.
And closed the coffin lid.

Nothing is off the table

My boss, the President, says that nothing is off the table.
Nothing’s fallen off of it, either. It’s a very sturdy table. Unlike most tables, which have a bit of wobble in them due to uneven legs or a warp in the floorboards.
Sometimes, he puts beverages on the table. I make sure there’s plenty of coasters for them.
You know, because coasters count, too. Nothing’s off of the table, remember?
Oh, and dust. Lots of dust on that table. Dust isn’t nothing, either.
I just know it’s not easy to dust when you can’t take anything off the table.

Weekly Challenge #400 – Anything But Christmas

Welcome to the 100 Word Stories podcast at oneadayuntilthedayidie.com. I’m your host, Laurence Simon.

This is Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.

The topic this week was ANYTHING BUT CHRISTMAS.

We’ve got stories by:

The next 100 word stories weekly challenge is on the topic of COAST.

Use the Share buttons at the end of the post to spam your social networks. This obligatory cat photo should help make the Internet go faster:

Finally, if there are any errors or corrections, please let me know, and I’ll fix them as soon as possible.

MICK
It was foretold – by Mick Bordet (http://mickbordet.com)

“You’ve never heard of the ‘Horn of Bantillambous’?” Baljak asked.

“Should I have?” said Mullin.

“Legend says that when it is blown, the great beast Amhaliog will descend from the mountains, killing anything that stands in its way.”

“Baljak, you must have a thousand warriors standing outside your gates right now. Why have you not already blown the horn?” asked Mullin.

“I blew it this morning, when the soldiers first appeared.”

“And?”

“The great beast descended from the mountains.”

“And?”

“It raced towards the gates, but fell dead from exhaustion before it reached them. It was quite an old legend.”

SINGH
22.9

A buffalo cart was passing when he woke.

The wheel-clunk on dirt, the cursing driver

made him sit up. Margot at the pump

was pre-dawn bucket-bathing. Yes, he knew

her gasping splashes in their cane enclosure;

her cups of cold reality doused him too.

Yesterday’s words slapped him with regret.

Had they come to India to fire potshots?

The bird and arrow dream he had re-cast

from the old epic. And the meaning? To aim

with single focus higher up the tree,

or pull on, buffalo-necked with pride

and blinded power? Just who was driving?

22.10

“We need to talk,” she said, while towelling

her grey-flecked hair and sliding in to perch

upon their bed. “Look, aren’t you bored with me?”

He rose to switch on gas and make the tea,

avoiding her eyes. He did not want a fuss.

“No honey, I am with you. Please believe me.”

I simply scraped my knee and missed the bus

and then got stuck at Barhai’s. They were kind.”

Time for truth. She knew she was in the right.

“So, he forced you sit cross-legged and hold court?

Admit it Yogi. You love your holy white.”

22.11

He felt her claws, soft bites.

“The school’s good for you,

setting the world to rights,

but what am I to do?

I think the kids like me,

not so Adele and Paul.

I strum under the tree,

but really, that’s about all.

When I play and sing

I feel I am alive.

You think it’s an ego thing?

I want others to arrive

at a place of peace,

bring them together,

improve, lift up, increase

good vibes in bad weather.

Barhai said we could earn

donations for the school.

I’ll go sing, then return.

It’ll work out really cool.”

22.12

He’d already planned to leave,

she thought. He’d made his call.

I’m meant to basket-weave,

throw the alphabet ball,

put off the school inspector

accreditation for kickback,

play teacher lie-detector,

and hold back parent attack?

There was little she could do.

There was no bud to nip,

First, the flower thief said moo,

now he was abandoning ship.

A woman needs a lookout

alone in a village hut.

Thought of his walkabout

tightened the spring in her gut.

“So what’ll I do?”

he asked, “I feel your doubt.”

“Yogi, I say to you

dig deeper or opt out.”

22.13

She had suffered through the whims of restless men

and feared the sari sirens, the gifts of silk

ready for undraping like Draupadi.

Indian Christmas? Circumstances would

put him high on a flower-sprinkled dais

before gold-bangled clapping gopi hands

like teens before a rock god. Sacred showtime.

There was nothing wrong with God-song. After all,

she’d seen him at her Himalaya Centre,

with golden Krishna dancing on his drum,

yet something about Barhai did not gel.

She feared mis-purpose. Yogi was naive.

The river span between their seven years

and the crocodile Ganges was too wide.

RICHARD
#1 – Not Christmas

“But mummy, how will Father Christmas get in without a chimney?”

“Don’t worry, George dear, he’ll climb in through the window.”

Sure enough, a scuffling noise that night revealed Santa leaving his bedroom, one leg over the window sill, weighed down by his great sack…

Emily’s screams swiftly roused George from his reverie. Damn! He’d fallen asleep on watch!

Too late, he awoke to see a shadowy figure, weighed down by a struggling Emily, clambering out through the window of the house they’d hidden in overnight.

Too terrified to give chase, her fading screams haunted him for days to come.

#2 – Anything but…

This is not a festive tale of peace and joy and love: a time to celebrate the birth of baby Jesus from above. It’s a tale about greed, profit margins and excess; of commercialism, gluttony and giving in to selfishness.

So ring out the bells, uncork the wine, indulge yourselves and have a good time; eat till you’re full and drink till you’re sick; let’s raise a glass to good old Saint Nick!

Grab the neighbour’s wife under the mistletoe and have a friendly grope, no-one need know.

A time for self-indulgent glut…. Christmas it ain’t; it’s anything but!

#3 – Scrooge

Scrooge’s evening was not going well – a mild case of food poisoning perhaps?

What else could account for the bizarre hallucination he’d earlier had of his ex-business partner, Jacob Marley?

Now his sleep was disturbed by another apparition:

“I am the ghost of..”

“Bugger off!”, said Scrooge and went straight back to sleep.

Next morning, after emptying his chamber pot over the snowball-throwing youth under his window, he made his way to work.

Bob Cratchett was late, as usual – Scrooge would dock the time from his wages.

Just like any other, it was another typical day at the office.

TURA
Anything But Christmas
——–
My brother was waiting for me in the airport arrivals hall. “Happy—” I managed, before he roared, “Happy Solstice!”, drowning my voice. “Come on, I’m parked just outside,” he said, then muttered urgently, “and don’t say the C word!”

“But–”

“Just DON’T!”, he hissed, hustling me into the car.

“It’s officially hate speech,” he explained on the road. “Oppresses minorities, see? Anything else is ok, although Happy Holidays is so safe it’s suspicious. And as an expatriate– not that I grudge you that– you’re under suspicion already.”

“Happy Pomegranites!” I said. “Happy… Ponies and Unicorns!”

He chuckled, “That’s the spirit!”

JEFFREY
The Ultimate Weapon
by Jeffrey Fischer

The six spheres sat in a neatly-aligned row. Two men stared at them, eyes flicking from one to another: New Year, Valentine, St. Pat, Independence, Halloween, and Christmas, each named for an ancient holiday of the North American continent.

“Anything but Christmas,” Stevens said. “We can’t take that again.” Each sphere could release a mood-altering chemical onto the population: Independence created nationalistic fervor. Valentine created feelings of passion.

“No, we can’t,” replied Hogan. He picked up St. Pat. “Here. Alert cleanup that the two-week bender starts tonight.”

Stevens thought of the last time the ultimate weapon was deployed. An entire month of shopping frenzy, resulting in hyperinflation and a shattered economy.

“Agreed,” he said. “Anything but Christmas.”

The Closer
by Jeffrey Fischer

Kris Kringle was a mountain of a man, tall and wide. To call him fat would be a disservice – mounds of flesh oozed from him. He wore a furry red suit in all weather, apparently never washing it, the stink nearly visibly rising. His breath reeked of pickled herring and mulled cider. “Father Christmas” he was called for obvious reasons, and he was the best interrogator in the Bureau. Just being in the same room caused prisoners’ eyes to water, their stomachs to revolt in disgust. They confessed to any crime in order to receive merciful release from his presence.

“Bring in the prisoner,” the guard said.

They dragged the man into the interrogation room. When he saw Kringle, the hardened criminal felt his heart sink. “No – anything but Christmas.”

JOHN MUSICO
Petting George

My stubborn childhood dog refused to let me pet him. Broke my heart.
He hated the groomers. His pride could not tolerate it. He’d arrive home with a bow in his hair. This indignity shamed him such that for days he’d barricade himself under a table unseen. Ultimately he got his way and spent his remaining years a hippie.
Years later, he seemed to be staggering and concerned. I dared to pat his back. For the first time he allowed it.
Just as my hand patted his back- he collapsed dead. Broke my heart. I had finally pet my dog.

JULIE
Anything But Christmas

We melted into the earth—

It’s all your fault.

I loved every moment;

I don’t blame you.

We were vagabonds,

Wanting everything,

Having nothing.

We were called back home,

For Christmas–

Dreading the lights,

Presents, the tree,

All that family—

We tried to escape

In the boxcar,

Together.

But we melted into the earth,

And it’s all my fault—

Your anathracite eyes

Staring down at the pier,

Down by the ferry landing–

I tuck my scarf,

around your neck.

Those eyes, hands on my hips

Pulling me closer—

Saying don’t you cry,

Don’t you sigh

I’ll be back again someday.

TOM
A Well Defined Relationship Part 28

Through the night the temperature dropped a light covering of snow settled
on the air ship. Alone with his thoughts Doc Proctor tried fervently to
think of anything but Christmas. When that failed he tried to think of
any Christmas, but that Christmas. He had been a bit younger then Master
Timmy, that Christmas. His Father a doctor of renown, the personal
physician to the emperor himself, has just opened the door and cried out
Merry Christmas. Young Proctor leaped up into his arms. Fate cut the
father’s thread, they fell to the floor. “Anything but Christmas” thought
the Doctor.

Bah

I came to the Golden State with a small cohort of Chicagoans. Over time
they all drifted back east. Separated from friends and family and quite
well aware of government stats on holiday suicide rates I took up a
personal campaign of Yule cleansing. “Anything But Christmas,” became my
my motto. To this day I don’t address cards. Raise or adorn a tree. No
shopping beginning, middle or end. Not a sprig of mistletoe or holly to be
found. I slipped once during my first marriage attended my in-laws
celebration. A regular “Who’s afraid of Virgins Wolff Christmas, that was.

Best Christmas Party Ever

Dan from accounting was sitting next to Phil from manufacturing. “Pretty
Cool Christmas Bonus!” Dan squirmed against the red velvet and replied, ”
I would have preferred cash.” “Come On. A plane tickets to Nevada, A limo
from the airport, We’re knee deep in Champagne. The Company has seriously
out done themselves this year.” True, thought Dan noting smiles on even
the grimmest of his coworkers, who were engaged in conversation with women
of a beauty way above his pay grade. A red head winked at him. He glances
at the gold embossed invitation card it read: “Anything Butt Christmas.”

Merry Corporate Tide

Anything but Christmas, is the spirit of Christmas. View from any vector,
a nice analyzation would led to a jumble of inconsistency, a harsher view
would be a hypocritic pile of lies. Firstly: The guy we celibate on that
day, wasn’t even born on that day. It is unlikely he spent a year laying
in hay so we could crowd enough figures to fill out cardboard nativity
scenes. Secondly: We have conflated the Moorish Arch Bishop of the Spanish
Netherlander with a Laplandish white dupe, who somehow embody’s the true
meaning of Christmas by swigging down a bottle of Coke-a-Cola

ZACKMANN
“Look what I got our son.” father says taking a ten inch cube out of a box.

“What is that, dear?”

“It is the greatest invention ever, the Anything Bot.”

“What does it do?”

“Well almost anything hence the name. Plays games, videos, plays most major disk formats and can stream through the television.

“Is that all?” she asks with the proper amount of snark.

“Well no, it is not only a media device. It’s a transformer.”

“Really?”

“Anything Bot Derpy”

Anything Bot folds into a grey pony

“Guess what prompt words makes it turn into a plastic evergreen tree?”

SPATE
Tales from the Navy (Completely Unrelated to Christmas)

Sometimes legends are born from shallow unassuming moments…

So it was: mid 70’s; Naval Air Station North Island. We were off duty, sitting around the dorm room table, smoking dope and drinking beer.

Denny Freeman starts drawing on the tabletop. Young Kerr, Pritchard, and I join in. We liberate a paint set from the rec center and do a half decent nearly pornographic rendition of “Venus on the Half Shell”.

We sign our spontaneous artwork with blood red lacquer fingerprints.

To this day, sailors come from afar to view the table and imagine the fate of the four unknown painters.

SERENDIPITY
We don’t use the ‘C’ word in our office, the boss has banned it. Instead we have ‘holiday’ decorations, ‘festive’ parties and ‘greetings’ cards.

He maintains it’s a politically correct and culturally sensitive attitude to the season, and anyone who wishes to take issue with him is bigoted, insensitive and possibly not suited to working for the company.

We put up with it, and get on with the job.

He’s not fooling anyone though.

We know the real reason he wants to avoid the ‘C’ word…

He’s too damn tight to pay us a bonus and give the extra holidays!

CLIFF
Do you remember the children’s book “Are you my mother?”? It’s a delightful book about a little bird that hatches while mother is away finding food. He wanders the land asking everyone he sees the title question. He finds animals and a boat and even a machine that snorts and puts him back in his nest before his mother returns. It’s a very sweet book.

Do not attempt to recreate it by dressing in a giant chicken costume and wandering around the Pinedale Shopping mall asking people “Are you my mother?”

That was absolutely my most embarrassing mug shot ever.
———

If you’re waiting for the universe to give you a sign that it’s finally time to try something new and terrifying, then I have some good news for you.
Here it is. You. Yes, you. You know who you are. It’s time. Today, take the first step, just one step, towards that thing you have wanted to do.
Want to write a novel? Learn Italian? Travel to the old country and find your roots?
Do something today in that direction.
Then, repeat daily.
Don’t worry. I’ll be doing it too.
The future is waiting for us. Let’s not disappoint it.
———

The Emperor Duk Qua Kang is thought to have ruled China in the early fifteenth century. He was followed on the throne by his son, his nephew, and a grandson. This was called the Duk Dynasty. Modern historians are divided about this age in history. Some believe that the Duk clan ruled worthless swamp land or that they were only a legend. However, archeologists have uncovered countless relics of the era including hats, shirts, toy ducks and one much worn ceremonial tea goblet. In the end, their rule ended because people were just sick to death of hearing about them.

DANNY
The rich, the poor, the strange, the stranger. Christmas was a bottom of the barrel hooker on the lower east side beyond the lower east side of Manhattan, just south of the south street seaport. in the middle of the Hudson river, which is where her pimp wished she was buried at. Worst hooker in Manhatten, according to the underground newspaper located under Rockefeller Center. One day, some big shot pulled up to her street pimp and asked, “I’m lookin’ for the hottest hooka’ in NYC, whatcha got?” The pimp responded, “I got what your looking for, Anything But Christmas.”

LIZZIE
The state of affairs called for immediate action. A man in a black suit stood outside Ronnie’s door. The festivities had been canceled, all of them. “No, please… You can cancel anything but Christmas. The children will be devastated. We’re so close,” pleaded the most famous Santa in the whole world. But the authorities were ruthless. Believing in non-existent entities like Santa was destroying future generations. It was destroying the potential for obedience. “We don’t want imaginative minds, we want them blind.” Ronnie disappeared a few days later and on TV, they announced that Santa had died. Christmas was gone.

JUSTIN

The writer, lets name him “Tace Spurtle, sent 100 word stories to a podcast that was all about 100 word stories. Back in those days, everyone (well, like 0.001% of the audience) voted on which stories they thought were the best, and whoever’s story won, a topic they choose would be the topic for the next weekly challenge.

Sometimes Tace Spurtle would vote using different browsers and vote at work to manipulate the polls. But not to win! When the results were particularly close, he would cause the votes to align causing many ties and multiple topics. Hilarity ensued!

*hides*

Figured I should admit to it someday.

NORVAL JOE

Monkey Boy sat on a branch, picking at the head of an adolescent female and watched Esmeralda Flinch and the Burgerslovegan hit man leave.
“Hoo, hoo, hoo?” The female asked sadly as the super hero dropped to the floor of the enclosure, pulled on a zoo keeper’s uniform and morphed back to his normal size.
“I’ll miss you, too,” he said to the monkey, locked the cage, and grabbed his phone. He punched the number for headquarters.
“What’s up doc?” A voice asked.
“Anything but Christmas.”
“What’s your report?”
“Fly Paper Boy is a known commodity. Tell him to abort.”

MUNSI

Eggnog!

By Christopher Munroe

Eggnog season’s upon us, and as such the time has come to drink.

Not in a “degenerate alcoholic” way, though the argument could absolutely be made that I’m that, but rather more festively. In spirit with the season.

I like my ‘nog with Kahlua, though a good spiced rum can also be delicious. But really, what you drink with your eggnog doesn’t matter.

What matters is that you do drink eggnog, and who you drink it with.

Because really, isn’t that the true meaning of the holiday?

I can drink to anything, but Christmas especially is a time for celebration…

PLANET Z

The North Pole isn’t what it used to be.

Santas are on every street corner and mall. And toys are made in China.

So the elves took classes in biochemistry, and they turned the workshop into a weapons lab.

Santa still wears a red and white suit. A red and white environment suit, with a breathing mask over his beard.

“Just sprinkle the white powder around, says his Head of R&D. “Especially on keyboards and machine controls.”

The Chinese factories are deathtraps now. Can’t keep up with demand.

Too bad Santa tracked the plague back home.

The snow fell quietly.

Uncle Tom’s Cabin

Whenever I need to get away, I pack a bag and head up to my dad’s old cabin in the woods.
For years, I’ve been doing this, chopping wood to feed into the stove, watching the snow fall, and reading by candlelight.
“Thanks, Dad,” I said to his framed photograph.
It was hanging a bit askew, so I straightened it.
Something fell from behind it.
A letter:
“Dear Son,
This cabin actually belonged to my brother Tom. He’s buried under the floor.
Love,
Dad”
So, I thanked my Uncle Tom, tossed another log on the fire, and made some coffee.

The Guy In 7B

Nobody knows the name of the guy in 7B.
What little mail he gets is addressed to Resident or Occupant.
He must have a post office box somewhere in the city.
If you walk up to him and introduce yourself, he’ll say “Yes, I know you, how are you doing?” but not introduce himself back.
I did a search online, but there’s nothing about him.
Don’t bother trying to look through his trash. He shreds everything beyond recognition.
The super won’t tell me.
So, I called him 7B.
“How did you know my name?” he screamed.
And promptly moved out.