Category: My stories

Old Men

639171

Two old fishermen sat on the dock, the bucket sitting between them.
They’ve been there for years, fishing every day.
The first old man catches a fish, and then, he lets it go free.
Then the other old man catches it and lets it go free.
Back and forth, that fish got caught over and over.
He liked the taste of the bait that much.
And the two old fishermen hated the taste of fish.
“Caught that same damn fish again?” said the first old man.
“Yup,” said the other.
They dropped their poles and left the dock for home.

Tie You Up In Knots

639169

I know my knots. I know every knot.
Though I may be old and blind, you can give me any rope and I can put any knot in it that you want me to put in it.
Hand me a rope with a knot in it, and I can tell you what kind it is in ten seconds.
This rope around my ankles, I know.
Same with the rope around my wrists.
The one around my neck is another matter, though. Give me a minute on that.
Pull on them all you want – all my secrets will die with me.

The Wacky Adventures of Abraham Lincoln #98

785894

Abe rubbed the back of his head and moaned.
“Stop that moaning!” said a deep voice.
Abe looked around. Clouds everywhere.
“Is this Heaven?” Abe asked.
“Of course, stupid,” said the voice. “Any other questions?”
“Why did you create so many common-looking people?” asked Abe.
The clouds parted, and God walked out. “See?”
Abe winced and looked away. “Ewwwwwwww!”
“Well, I made Man in My image, right?” said God.
“You’re right,” said Abe. “Sorry.”
“Anything else?” asked God.
Abe trembled. This was his chance to ask The Creator about the Meaning of Life.
“How did the play end?” he asked.

Monkey Fuckers

639162

You wake up in pain, reeking of sweat and stale bananas.
Another night, another monkey fucked.
This shit’s too sick for Oprah. She thought you were fucking guys in monkey suits or something.
This is the real deal. Oh you’ve tried. Lord knows you’ve tried, but there’s no special patch – only the real thing will do.
They bite and scratch, but that makes it more exciting. Gets you off harder than if they just sit there, screeching.
Curious about little Curious George, aren’t you?
Hold my hat. My yellow hat.
Let me show you how to really grind an organ.

Dr. Santa

639159

Every year, he puts on a Santa suit, visiting dying children in the hospital.
“There are healthy girls and boys without toys,” he’d sneer, holding up an unopened train set. “Are you planning on being buried with this one?”
He went from bed to bed, filling his sack and leaving a trail of screaming children.
The next morning, while on the way to work, he stopped by church.
“Bless you,” said Father John, gladly accepting the toys and games for the gift drive.
Dr. Walters smiled and got back in his car, off for another day of rounds in Pediatrics.

A Funeral On The Side Of A Cliff

639182

He spent half his time climbing cliffs and the other half looking for new cliffs to climb.
When his luck ran out, he insisted on being buried in the cliff that killed him.
So, we threw drop-lines over the edge, lowered ourselves to where the rope
snapped on a sharp rock, and dug a niche to stick his ashes in.
The priest was a rockhound from Utah, and he insisted on coming up from the base.
Crazy bastard. We’re all a bunch of crazy bastards, the biggest of all is in this
tin can – see you soon, Johnny, and amen.

Wandering Cat

912508

My cat likes to wander.
He heads out the door and makes a beeline for Miami.
Spring break.
Just one stop in Biloxi, Mississippi. He likes how they prepare catnip there.
I know this because I read his credit card statements every month.
He’s not good with finances. Gets in over his head if I don’t keep in on a short credit limit and allowance.
I flick the porch light on and off a few times.
He knows that means for him to get his furry butt back inside.
I hear a meow and he’s home, fumbling with his keys.

The Menorah

639161

“The sun’s almost down.”
“That’s nice. Where’s the cat?”
“He’s outside. It’s time to light the menorah.”
“Where’s the candles?”
“I’m using an oil menorah this year.”
“An oil menorah?”
“Yes. Uses olive oil. More authentic than candles.”
“What?”
“More authentic.”
“You’re gonna burn the fucking place down.”
“No I won’t.”
“Yes you will.”
“We’ve got a smoke detector this year.”
“Test it recently?”
“Um… no… errr…”
“Well, isn’t that a hoot?”
“You put the battery in the TV remote.”
“I did not.”
“Yes you did.”
“No I didn’t. I put it in the Blu-Ray remote.”
“What?”
“You’re a moron.”

The Wacky Adventures of Abraham Lincoln #97

658311

A crowd stood around the body of Lincoln, which was all the more crowded because of the small confines of the boarding house.
People were gathering up blood-souvenirs, anything the president had bled upon.
“He bled on the sheet!”
“He bled on the pillow!”
“He bled on the lantern!”
The room filled. The walls began to buckle. Elbows banged against the windowpane.
“Everyone out!” shouted the boarding house’s owner, shaking a fire-iron. “Now!”
All the people filed out of the room and on to the street.
Mary Todd looked around at the completely empty room.
“Where’s my husband?” she asked.

Silent Night

638692

Santa got stuck in my chimney.
He’s yelling for help.
I called the sheriff.
He told me to lay off the egg nog.
That’s how life goes in a small town sometimes.
It’s a nice place, though. Quiet and peaceful.
Until some old fat guy gets stuck in your chimney.
I turned on a flashlight and looked up.
Two black boots. Gigantic red ass.
“What am I getting this year?” I asked.
“A lump of coal if you don’t get me out of here,” he yelled.
Fuck him. Mr. Santa Fatty can wait.
I turned up my headphones.
Silent night.