Tracey isn’t here.
She’s never here.
If you’re anywhere that anybody thinks of as “here” then Tracey’s not there.
I mean here.
Where is she?
Oh, here and there… I mean there… just there.
Sorry. If you’re confused, well, I am too. If Tracey were here, she’d explain it better than I can. But then, Tracey is never here.
So, where is she?
I have no idea.
Last time I talked to her, she was on a bus. I asked her where she was, and she said I’m right here at-“
And the phone call dropped.
Yeah, I’m worried too.
Tag: mystery
The Drinker
“Why don’t you believe in me?” asked God.
I put down my drink and thought about my answer for a moment.
I mean, it’s God. And He’s drunk.
But then, I don’t believe in Him, so why worry?
So, I turned to my right…
He was gone.
I asked the bartender where God went.
He shrugged and put the tab in front of me.
Holy crap! God sure can drink, and He has good taste in what He drinks. Expensive, too.
As I pulled out my wallet, God pulled out his credit card.
“I was in the bathroom,” He said.
The Traveler
The traveler became nervous as he saw the fog and shadows building along the path through the dark and strange woods.
Strange phantoms lived in these woods.
He looked up and saw the moon and stars through the clouds
Then the shadows all vanished
The traveler trembled with fear
Then another traveler crashed through the trees
Who are you? Screamed the traveler
I am you, he said
How
I am a time traveler, he said
He laughed and then left the traveler there to think about it
The traveler laughed crazily
He returned home
Ragged and trembling
From his journey
My New Phone
The online store said that it would take 2 weeks to ship my new phone, but it arrived the next day, wrapped in butcher’s paper and bearing a hastily-scribbled label.
Inside the box, the phone was almost perfect, even if the cables and headset were sloppily wound-up.
There was also a note from my Secret Admirer, telling me I deserved the phone more than the guy she’d killed and taken it from.
Her number was in the address book.
“Call me.”
Instead, I called the police.
What if she admires someone else who wants a phone even more than me?
The Cruelest Puzzle
Vindal Mumford was a famous puzzlemaker, so it was no surprise that his will was in the form of an intricate puzzlebox with no apparent solution.
Experts examined the box for weeks, twisting and turning it and subjecting it to x-rays and other modern scanning technology.
But the box was still impenetrable and unsolvable.
Weeks… months… years went by, but no solution to the puzzle was ever found.
Not that Vindal left anything to be won by the solver of his final puzzle.
There’s not much money in creating problems without solutions, you know.
(Unless you’re a politician, of course.)
Play The Ponies
My uncle Dexter would disappear every Friday night, and then return for Sunday brunch.
Sometimes, he’d have cash stuffed into his pockets, and other times he be flat broke and sporting a black eye or two.
“Your stupid Uncle Dexter plays the ponies.” my mom would say. “Stay away from him.”
So, that night, I followed him from street to street, until he reached the racetrack.
He wired up all the horses to a massive keyboard, turned on the power, and played them like a pipe organ.
It sounded awful, but not as bad as my sister practicing her violin.
Honk
Honk, the God of traffic jams, watches the city from Metro Control, smiling at the video feeds of his followers. He feels a tiny buzz of power with every prayer the populace sends his way, palms slapped against steering wheels to call out his name in frustration, fury, and faith.
Red…
Red…
Red…
Green?
He points at the city map, dispatching construction crews to places where cars can still move.
“Go forth and obstruct,” commands Honk.
The crews head for the garage and prepare to squash the heathens with orange cones red flag.
Honk laughs and smiles upon the city
Babbage
Famous inventor Charles Babbage may never have built his Analytical Engine due to his inability to focus on manufacturing, but he did create punchcards to program it.
What the punchcards will do, we’re not completely sure.
We scanned in all his blueprints and notes, and our simulations suggest that it involves basic counting and number processing functions, but then when the museum staff built a Difference Engine from his original plans, the RING BELL function chimed out strange, plaintive messages in Morse Code…
Messages from the dead.
Visitors kept mistaking it for a fire alarm, so we disconnected the bell.
Silent Symphony
The Symphony is performing “Concerto For Dogs” tonight.
It is entirely out of the human audio spectrum.
Violins, trombones, and other instruments tuned like dog whistles.
Nobody knows what the composer’s name is.
He was born as Almo Burt, but he had it changed a few years back to something outside of the audio spectrum, too.
Typical weirdo artist, right?
He steps through the curtain, bows, and announces: “Now put on your blindfolds. The performance is about to begin.”
The audience agrees, the lights are turned off, and the Symphony sneaks out for a drink at the pub next door.
Improbable
There’s a big difference between improbable and impossible.
No matter how improbable it is, Henry still managed to get chased by a herd of angry elephants across campus and into the Chemistry final exam.
Impossible is explaining to the professor how he managed to get chased by a herd of angry elephants across campus and into the Chemistry final exam.
“And more importantly, why did you bring them here?” asks the professor.
“You lock the door at nine,” Henry says. “And I didn’t want to miss the final.”
The professor nods, mutters “Fair enough” and hands out the blue books.