If Cinderella’s glass slipper fit, why did it fall off?
And when it fell off, why didn’t it turn back into her ragged ordinary slipper when the clock struck midnight?
The horses turned back into mice.
The carriage turned back into a pumpkin.
Her ball gown turned back into the clothes she was wearing the day before.
So why not that slipper?
It’s because of the Fairy Godmother.
Why she didn’t just blast the wicked stepmother and the two sisters with her magic wand and make the prince her undying love slave, well, that’s because she was a manipulative bitch.
Tag: quote
Oh You Fools
Alexander Pope said that fools rush in where angels fear to tread, but I can’t come up with a single place that an angel would fear to tread.
I’ve lived in some really bad places, and I’ve seen plenty of fools rushing around them.
But angels are supernatural, powerful beings. They serve God as his messengers and soldiers.
There’s nothing here that an angel couldn’t handle.
Why they don’t, well, that’s one of those Free Will arguments I won’t get into.
Or perhaps it’s all the power lines. They don’t want to get their big white wings tangled in them.
Paint It
Long ago, comedian Steven Wright said “It’s a small world, but I wouldn’t want to paint it.” in his act.
It turns out he grabbed it from a comedian named Chic Murray
Whatever the source, I’m still confused: are they talking about painting the world with brushes and cans of paint? Because that could get expensive, especially if you need to buy primer, too.
Or perhaps paint it as in painting it on a canvas? Cheaper, certainly, but canvas and oils aren’t free.
This is what digital photography was invented to do.
Thank goodness for Google Maps and Street View.
Vicious Circle
Economists say that a feedback loop with detrimental results is a vicious circle, but all the circles I’ve ever known are nice circles.
Perhaps the economists are beating these circles as baby circles and making them grow up vicious?
You know, like how Pit Bulls are really friendly dogs that are great with kids, but got a bad reputation because they get raised to be vicious fighting dogs.
Rhombuses, on the other hand, are rotten little things no matter how you train them, but economists don’t like rhombuses, and circles are easier to deal with because you can roll them.
Your Mission
After listening to the tape describe a nightmare Doomsday scenario facing the world, Jim listened to his mission, and then pondered whether he should accept it or not.
Before the tape had self-destructed in a whiff of smoke, Jim had made his decision:
No.
Instead, he went fishing, and caught a pair of trout that grilled up nicely.
Finishing his beer, he turned on the television to watch the news.
Just a tone and a test pattern.
It was on every channel.
Jim figured the new regime would probably hire him.
He hoped that his retirement plan would roll over.
You’ve Got Mail
It’s been 20 years since I‘ve had an AOL account, but wherever I go, I always set up that “You’ve got mail!” to my new mail sound.
Oh, sure… I’ve had fun sounds like “Message for you, sir!” from Monty Python and The Holy Grail, where the page gets hit with an arrow to the chest with a message on it, but it doesn’t take long for me to yearn for that classic AOL sound again.
It doesn’t really matter, though. These days, it’s all IMs and Tweets and Facebook Pokes.
E-mail’s as dead as the Post Office it killed.
Where The Wild Things Aren’t
The night Max wore his wolf suit
And made mischief of one kind or another
His mother called him WILD THING!
And Max said “I’ll eat you up!”
While sending Max to his room
His mother had a stroke and collapsed
Max stood there, confused
He tried to wake up his mother
But she didn’t move at all
So, Max picked up the telephone
And called the emergency number.
They arrived a few minutes later
Put his mother on a stretcher
Covered her with a sheet
And took her away.
Child Services picked up Max
He never wore costumes again
The Creation Of Kenny
I challenged art students to paint the ceiling of the college’s fieldhouse.
“Carefully, please!”
They replicated Michelangelo’s fresco in the Sistine Chapel, but substituted famous basketball players for the Biblical figures.
In the center was The Creation Of Adam, where Charles Barkley reached to touch the finger of Kenny Smith.
“Instead of a brain-like cloud, he’s perched on a giant meatloaf,” said the lead artist.
We laughed. Until a drip came down from the ceiling.
“It’s coming out of Kenny’s eye,” I said. “He’s… crying?”
Some of them called it a miracle.
I called it an expensive leak to repair.
Who watches?
Who watches the watchmen?
I do. I’m their supervisor.
I keep track of them with this computer. It tells me when they tap their badge against the checkpoints in the bank headquarters.
But it’s not like we do much good walking around. The cleaning crew steals stuff all the time, putting it in their carts.
And employees walk out with thumb drives full of sensitive data.
Oh, and those million-dollar bonuses executives paid themselves after the bailout? The biggest theft of all.
The biggest crimes happen in broad daylight, while my team just walks around an empty building at night.
Glass Houses
People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.
Visitors shouldn’t throw them, either.
In fact, nobody should be throwing stones around glass houses.
Are there glass houses? I’ve seen houses with outer walls of glass, but I’ve never seen a house made entirely of glass.
The furniture and carpeting’s not made of glass, right?
Maybe the clever scientists at Corning are working on that. If they can invent fiber optics, they can invent a glass house.
And it would be shatter-resistant too.
Unlike that window you broke playing baseball in the yard.
That’s coming out of your allowance, Bobby.