After the party ended and everyone left, Mary put the kids to bed.
George Bailey counted the money again.
It was more than enough to cover the savings and loan.
Perfect.
“I’ll take care of that,” said Uncle Billy, scooping the stacks of money into a basket.
“Fuck no, you goddamned stupid drunk!” shouted George. “You’ve fucked this family for the last time!”
George took Billy’s keys away. “You’re fired!”
Then, he had Bert the cop drive him into town so he could put the money in the safe.
“Merry Christmas, savings and loan,” he mumbled. “Take me home, Bert.”
Tag: sick
Cereal Gift
You can buy Lucky Charms marshmallows by the bag from some online store.
So, I gave these to my son as a Christmas gift.
I put a note on the bag “Santa had the elves pick these out of 20 cereal boxes. Then he gave the crappy cereal to an orphanage full of bad children.”
My son then proceeded to act like a dickhead to his little sister.
That’s when the bag of marshmallow bits vanished, and another note appeared:
“Santa gave your address to the kids in the orphanage. And baseball bats.”
He’s hiding in the basement, behaving himself.
Santa Survives
Santa Claus watched horrors spread across the globe.
Humanity completely lost its shit all at once, and aside from a few hundred thousand survivors, every society had collapsed. The toxic clouds and radiation waves would finish the rest off soon enough.
Santa tore up his naughty and nice lists, and set his elves to working on a space ship.
“We’ll set up shop on the moon or Mars,” he said.
The elves made a spaceship.
A toy spaceship.
“Fuck,” murmured Claus, and he coughed up some blood.
The elves fought over the remaining reindeer meat before they got sick too.
Any more than a mouthful…
Who’s that?
Oh, that’s Wendy.
She used to be with Jack.
They were great together, but she wouldn’t suck Jack’s cock.
She did everything else, though. And I mean everything. But it wasn’t enough.
So, Jack found someone who would. On the side.
Wendy found out, so she finally offered to suck him off.
Instead, she bit it off. And swallowed.
Jack nearly bled to death.
Police called it an accident. I call it a fucking shame that Jack lived.
Surgeons did what they could. I bet he gets a reality show out of it.
So, you want her number?
Bird Songs
I found a program that plays bird songs.
It is very relaxing. And it has a timer, so I can play it at night to lull me to sleep.
I could let it play all night long, but that would mean that the bird songs would play while I sleep.
And I’d dream about the birds.
Hundreds of birds.
Thousands of birds.
Millions of birds.
Birds all around me, singing.
And hungry.
Hungry for anything.
I run, but the birds are fast, and they attack me.
I wake up screaming, covered in bloody scratches.
Did I roll over the cat?
Landing
When the stewardess asked me to turn off my electronic devices and put my tray table back up, I refused.
“I want to keep my tray table down!” I growled. “And I want all of my electronic devices on!”
So, we couldn’t land. And we stayed in the air.
After an hour, the other passengers got mad. One tried to turn my stuff off while another shoved at my tray.
“No!” I yelled. “No!”
They subdued me, and then the plane landed.
At the gate, federal agents were there to arrest me.
Which is why I didn’t want to land.
Fred’s in a better place
Shady Acres Home is a dump, and Old Fred had the worst room at Shady Acres.
It was too hot in summer, and too cold in winter.
But despite all this, Old Fred smiled.
“One day, my days here will be over, and I will be in a better place.”
And when that day came, Fred’s bed was empty.
“There was an opening at Golden Arms,” said the administrator of Shady Acres to the staff. “Fred moved out.”
When Fred died, nobody said he was in a better place.
He’d donated his body to science. That medical school is creepy.
Greater Than Less Than
Some people learned that the greater than symbol is an alligator that eats the bigger number.
Other people learned that the less than symbol is an arrow that points at the smaller number.
My second grade Math teacher, Mr. Henson, taught us both.
“It’s up to you to decide,” he said.
The next day, when we arrived at school, there was a bloody trail leading into Mr. Henson’s room.
The room was a ghastly horror.
Last night, an alligator had broken into the school, and when Mr. Henson arrived, the beast attacked and ate him.
We all pointed and screamed.
Two Doses Of Candy
Unlike other houses in the neighborhood, Doctor Odd makes his own candy for Halloween.
And it’s the best candy. In the world.
Kids flock from miles around to ring his doorbell and beg for his candy.
Some kids try to trick or treat his house twice. Or they trade their entire haul for a second helping of his candy.
One dose of the secret ingredient induces euphoria in a child. But two doses?
“The warning label clearly states that two servings may cause death,” says Doctor Odd’s attorney.
And this is why The Day Of The Dead comes after Halloween.
Endangered
I’m tired of all the smug assholes who eat organic foods and drive hybrids.
What’s the opposite of green? Red?
Whatever it is, I want it. I want it bad.
I want a carbon footprint the size of Godzilla stomping Tokyo.
Every time I buy your product, I want to know that an endangered species has died.
And not one of those ugly benthic freaky fish or nasty killer wasps or Amazonian fruit snakes, either.
I want it to be some cute fluffy creature that you could hug all day that snuffs it for all eternity.
And then, grill it.