In the Toy Hall of Fame sits a blanket that was inducted. Into the Toy Hall of Fame. Yes, a blanket is a toy. I’ve put a blanket over myself and played with the cats that way. And we had fun.
There is a stick in the Toy Hall of Fame. I’ve played with the cats with a stick that had feathers on it. While under a blanket. We had fun.
There’s also a ball in the Hall of Fame, and the cats sometimes chase or play fetch with one.
I wonder when the Hall of Fame will induct the cat.
Tag: society
Laundry Baskets
Our apartment doesn’t have a washer and dryer. And there’s no wiring or hookups for them.
Instead, we have to use the laundry center.
We have a tall laundry hamper on wheels that we use to carry clothes to and from the laundry center.
Others have similar laundry hampers, baskets and bags. I saw a pair of blue Ikea bags there this weekend.
And then there’s the ones who just bundle up their clothes in a wad and carry them, leaving a trail from their front door to the laundry center.
As long as it’s to, and not from, right?
Anti-Santa
If Santa’s up at the North Pole, who’s down at the South Pole?
Anti-Santa, of course.
Anti-Santa flies around the world in his anti-sleigh pulled by anti-reindeer and gathers toys from all the good boys and girls.
He fills up his sack, and then goes back to his anti-workshop where the anti-elves smash the toys into teeny tiny bits.
The next morning, the kids wake up to… nothing. Because Anti-Santa goes around just after Santa.
That’s okay, because it’s really your moms and dads who give you presents.
Unless you’re an orphan. Then you get nothing.
Well, maybe charity.
Maybe.
Specials
Back when all there was to watch was broadcast television, every series ran Christmas specials.
Even the ones that had no business running them, like shows in space or prehistoric times.
There was a Christmas special for Star Wars, despite being long ago and in a galaxy far away.
And it was horrible. The Star Wars special… all of them.
These days, people watch cable television or Netflix and Hulu and Amazon.
You don’t have to watch any of that crap.
Although, if you really wanted to, you could read a book or spend time with family.
Nah. What’s on?
A little something extra
Every year, Mommy tells me to be good so Santa will come and leave me presents.
“And so I can make that son of a bitch take a paternity test,” she mutters.
Yep. Santa left a little something one year.
In Mommy:
Me.
The process servers say the North Pole is out of their jurisdiction.
So, Mommy left out a plate of cookies and a glass of milk.
Santa wears mittens, so you can’t get fingerprints, but you can get trace DNA from the glass.
“It’s a match,” says the analyst.
This year, forget the bike.
I’m getting Child Support.
Radical Feminist Christmas Joke
The pastor asked the kids why God made Mary pregnant and had her give birth to Jesus.
One boy said it was to give His son to the world.
Another said it was so Jesus could heal the sick.
One girl said it was so Jesus could die for our sins.
The last girl said it was because God was too much of a chickenshit to go through nine months of pregnancy and ten hours of labor Himself.
“Goddamned feminists,” mumbled the preacher.
The kid kicked and screamed as a pair of burly rectors dragged the kid to “Time Out.”
Covered Bridges
In a parallel universe, they have a lot of covered bridges. But they call them bridges.
And what we call bridges here, they call uncovered bridges.
Other than that, there’s no difference between our universes. But that’s enough of a difference to convince me that I need to find a way back to my own universe.
Because as hard as I try, I can get over the whole bridge thing.
I admit that it isn’t like a world full of vampires or flying cars or killer robots, but I’m sick to death of these damn covered bridges…
I mean bridges.
Concert
Today is Flu Shot Day at work. Free flu shots for everyone, paid for by the company’s health plan.
I always get sick with the flu for a day after getting the shot.
That’s better than getting sick for a week or two with the flu, I guess.
But does it have to be today? There’s a big concert tomorrow, and I’ve really been looking forward to it for months.
I don’t want to get sick tomorrow, damn it.
So, I’ll skip the shot. I’ll get one after the concert.
I just hope that nobody coughs or sneezes on me.
Fish Park
I like to spend my summers at the cabin with Fred, my pet goldfish.
“Let’s go down to the lake,” says Fred.
I pick up his bowl and carry him to the lake.
Then, I dip my finger into the water.
“It’s a little cold, but not too cold,” I tell him.
A few others are down by the lake with fishbowls. We wave to each other.
“That’s fine,” he says, and he leaps from his bowl into the water.
He likes to swim around in the lake with his friends.
It’s like a dog park. For fish.
And friends.
Hero
Billy.
Joe.
Wes.
And Me.
Lost in the woods together.
Dumb.
Our phones couldn’t get signal. Even with GPS, there was no data stream for downloading maps.
My idea. Dumb.
Joe got out the straws. The one who drew the short straw would go for help.
When I drew the short straw, I wrote down the GPS coordinates on my arm with a pen, picked up my pack, and began my walk.
I found the road in an hour. Rangers found the others with my coordinates.
They called me a hero.
But I was the one who got us lost.