Tag: society

Refrigerator magnets

742924

Lois looked at all of the refrigerators and compared their features, but she couldn’t make up her mind which one of them to buy.
The salesclerk said, “I think I can help you.” He led her to a circular room with refrigerators of every brand and model along the perimeter.
Then, he handed her a refrigerator magnet.
“Close your eyes and spin!” he commanded.
She did so.
“Now… throw!” he shouted.
She threw the magnet.
“Stop and open your eyes,” he said.
She’d thrown the magnet at the door they came in through.
“Just buy the damn Whirlpool,” he sighed.

Go West, Young Horny Man

700457

Look, most folks from the trail come to Miss Molly’s for a cot for the night.
Locals, they come for the poker. Or the booze.
Very few come for the girls.
The pretty ones, they get married off or head off to Frisco to make the big bucks.
But the rest, well, they stay.
And wait…
And wait…
A while back, a wagon carrying a shiny new bathtub and a water-boiler broke down at Molly’s, so she bought them.
You know, covered with suds, those girls don’t look so bad.
And it sure beats swimming and shaving in the creek.

Noble Savage, Lend Me Your Grandmothers

597620

Otto knelt among the trees, looking at Mother Nature’s beauty and growling with rage.
In two years, this would be a massive subdivision.
Worst of all, Jim had beaten him out on developing it.
The sound of Whitefeather’s pickup truck arriving jarred Otto out of his rage.
“Got the bones?” asked Otto.
Whitefeather pulled out a burlap sack and tossed it on the ground.
“Excellent,” said Otto. “When they dig these up, they’ll have to stop. Now all we need to do is bury them.”
“We?” Whitefeather tossed a shovel to Otto. “Good luck, Paleface,” he said and drove off.

Assistant

622702

Mindi’s assistant kept her cell phone charged, datebook up to date, and sales figures ready on the laptop for last-minute client meetings.
She even had Mindi’s special tea blend within reach, not that Mindi was reaching for it.
The latest surgery didn’t go as well as the others, and Mindi was in the third week of her coma.
The doctors were pretty sure it was a coma and not a vegetative state, so any minute now, Mindi would once again be working her magic throughout Manhattan’s brokerages.
Her eyes twitched behind the gauze.
Reflex, the doctors said. Just a reflex.

Cross Country

622706

Derek hated flying, but Mother was very sick and he couldn’t drive home cross-country in time.
His hands clutched the armrests until his fingertips turned purple.
“Are you okay?” asked a flight attendant.
“No, I’m not,” said Derek. “Can you please hit me with this book?”
The attendant refused, so Derek bit her.
“Stop it!” she shouted.
Then she hit Derek with the book.
Derek made it to Mom’s town safe and sound, and in police custody.
He refused to post bail, and he went to jail.
Mother was waiting in the prison infirmary, about to finish her life sentence.

Schwein in einem Beutel

622716

Gerhard looked around the auction house to see if anyone would outbid him.
Once… twice… sold!
He remembered scaling The Wall and running through No Man’s Land to freedom forty years ago to seek his fortune.
He wondered if this section was the exact one he leapt over all those years ago.
Did it matter?
It was when the truck unloaded his prize and he saw the aluminum coathooks and permanent marker scribblings that he realized his mistake: he’d been bidding on the Wall from Berlin’s, a recently-demolished nightclub in SoHo, as opposed to a piece of the Berlin Wall.

Soaking Solo

688378

Humanity heads to Mars tomorrow.
Or, more specifically, me.
Someone came up with the brilliant idea that it makes more sense to send one man out to Mars than an entire crew.
I’ll be alone for the year it takes to get there, land, take off, and come back.
I was told to “load up” on things I’d miss during that time in low-gravity isolation.
So, I’ve hired one hooker after another and spent as much time I possibly can with them in a Jacuzzi.
I’ll probably miss the Jacuzzi more. There’s just no substitute for a long, hot soak.

Esther’s Ghosts

662363

Esther had her grandson go up into the attic and bring down the box from the corner.
“It’s for the museum,” she said, rubbing her wrist where the numbers were.
Later that week, the museum thanked her for her contributions, but insisted that she sit for an interview.
“We’d like to add your memories to the collection,” they said.
“Let those memories die with me, please,” said Esther.
“Without ghosts to haunt us, it could happen again,” said the museum. “How easily we forget.”
Esther nodded, hoping that there would never again be the need to keep awful memories around.

The Bullet in the Bible

708136

bang*
Bucktooth Billy lay on his back in the dusty street.
He sat up and felt his chest.
No blood. His Bible had stopped the bullet.
Billy held it up, laughing.
“Holy shit!” he shouted. “Lucky Bible! Jesus has saved me!”
The gunslinger walked up to Billy and looked at the bullet-pierced Bible.
“So He has,” said the scowling figure. “Right up to Deuteronomy.”
“It’s a miracle!” shouted Billy. “I am reborn! I will fight no more and stand at the right side of The Lord!”
“Here,” said the gunslinger. “Let me help.”
The gunslinger shot Billy in the head.

In His Pocket

606876

Leon always left his wallet on the nightstand, so Sally would put it in his jacket pocket.
For whatever reason, Leon would take it back out and leave it on the nightstand again.
So, Sally would put twenty dollar bills in all of his work shirt pockets. That way, he’d have money for lunch.
The little miracles of everyday life. They don’t last.
Sally died in WTC2, 100th floor.
After a period of mourning, Leon went back to work.
And he forgot his wallet.
At lunch, he checked his pocket, and saw the money.
He never forgot his wallet again.