Tag: commentary

Like A Cat

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Sometimes, life is like trying to find a black cat outside in the dark.
You wander around, looking everywhere, poking through all the bushes and looking under tables.
Bang a can of cat food with a fork a few times. Call out its name and whistle and meow.
Nothing.
And now, the neighbors think you’ve gone crazy.
All the while, it’s looking down at you from the fence, eyes glowing bright in the night.
You give up, turn out the porch light, and head back inside.
Life’s right there, sitting in your chair. And won’t budge.
Yeah. Just like that.

Measure

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They say Helen Thomas has been in the White House Press Corps for the past 9 presidents, but measuring things in terms of presidents is a horrible idea.
How often do you have presidents around.
“Hey, someone wake the president… we need to measure this piece of string.”
They did that back in Ancient Egypt. A cubit was the length of pharaoh’s arm.
Every five minutes, someone asking him “stick out your arm!” Like he’s a common junkie.
Got a house to build, gotta measure out the two by fours.
No wonder why he buried himself under tons of rock.

Vista

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The videos of Al-Qaeda training in Afghanistan – firing guns, running obstacle courses, and all that running – you never saw them with laptops, programming and coding, did you?
Those guys got H1 visas and headed to Seattle, where they were greeted by Microsoft.
“We’ve got housing ready for you,” said a blonde in a suit. “Just sign the NDAs on top of your welcome packets and we’ll head down to Redmond.”
Each programmer signed their forms, praised Allah, and looked forward to the day when their latest weapon against the Western infidels would be unleashed.
“Vista,” Osama had told them, grinning.

I Don’t Want To Sleep

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I don’t want to sleep.
Things are happening all over the world all the time.
If I sleep, something will happen, and I won’t know about it until I wake up again.
I’ve tried alarms based on news alerts and Google searches, but it’s so hard to find the right rules to use.
I sleep less and less every day, but that just makes me less and less alert when I am awake.
I miss just as much from being drowsy as I do being asleep.
So, I’ll sleep, and the world can go on without me.
Good night, everyone.

I was a pirate

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I had a dream I was a pirate.
We sailed the seven seas, although I think we may have sailed one sea twice. And that last one may have been a municipal pool.
I’m not that good with maps and charts. And I tend to look down the wrong end of a spyglass. Oh, and I get seasick in the bathtub.
But this is my dream, okay? And I was a pirate in my dream.
I didn’t have a hook for a hand. Or a pegleg. Or even an eyepatch.
Just a pirate, sailing the seven seas of my dreams.

Homesick

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Professor Rickhoff pulled down the map and shouted “WE’RE HAVING AN ADVENTURE TODAY!”
The class jumped from their seats and cheered.
“WHERE SHALL WE GO?” shouted the Professor.
The class responded with all sorts of exotic places.
“Home,” said a voice.
“QUIET!” shouted Rickhoff, and the class lay still.
He walked up to the homesick student and stared into her eyes.
“This is your home now,” he said. “When you are here, you are home.”
The student smiled, curled up in a ball on the floor, and went to sleep.
The Professor rolled up the map and dismissed the class.

One Calorie

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I started off by ordering a Jack Daniels and Coke.
I like Jack, but it’s a bit to harsh on the rocks for me. Sweeten it up with Coke, and it’s perfect.
For my twenties, that was my drink.
Until, of course, every calorie counted. The body slows down.
Since I didn’t want to slow down at the bar, I went with diet Coke.
Tasted close to the same. But let’s face it – Jack trumps the Coke flavor.
Then out came Coke Zero. That worked a lot better.
The single calorie I saved, well, that didn’t matter for squat.
Cheers.

Cruise

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It was a beautiful cruise ship. the Majestic, white and powerful.
Too bad the company went bankrupt.
So, what to do with an unused, unwanted cruise ship?
Someone suggested making a jail out of it. But there were protests about the conditions prisoners would be kept in.
On a cruise ship.
Right.
The military bought it in the end, practicing their anti-terrorism tactics.
When they’d stormed it as many times as they could, it was floated out to sea and used for target practice.
As if the Air Force and Navy would ever face off against cruise ships in combat.

Smash It With A Brick!

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Ever have a problem that was impossible to solve?
I can solve it.
You see, I have a Masters Degree in Smashitwithabrickology.
Simply put, you can solve anything by smashing it with a brick.
Ever try it?
Well, of course it didn’t work. It takes a seasoned expert to master the art of the brick.
The size of the brick.
The speed of the smashing.
Which end to use.
These are things that you might not consider, but I have considered for years.
What? You think this is stupid?
Sounds like a problem to me.
Stand still for me, please.

One Billion

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Ever seen a billion dollars up close? Run your hands over it, or your eyes. Slowly.
Even when it’s in hundreds, it fills a room.
You can make a room out of it. Stack it up, make walls, a roof.
Maybe even live in it. But it would make more sense to buy a place with it big enough for what’s left over and you to fit comfortably.
It doesn’t take much. You’d barely miss that little bit at all.
And it wouldn’t miss you. A billion dollars doesn’t care.
It just sits there. In a room. Doing absolutely nothing.