At paranoia's poison door.
639154
I could not find my leather belt this morning.
It was not where I had left it – wrapped around my neck.
My belt is usually on yesterday’s pants, but I didn’t wear pants yesterday. So I wrapped it around my neck and went to sleep.
When I woke up, it was gone.
I only own one belt. It’s a black belt, so it goes with everything.
Maybe I will go buy another belt? I should buy two, but in all my life, I only own one belt at a time.
Because I only have one neck to wrap it around.
639169
I know my knots. I know every knot.
Though I may be old and blind, you can give me any rope and I can put any knot in it that you want me to put in it.
Hand me a rope with a knot in it, and I can tell you what kind it is in ten seconds.
This rope around my ankles, I know.
Same with the rope around my wrists.
The one around my neck is another matter, though. Give me a minute on that.
Pull on them all you want – all my secrets will die with me.
639162
You wake up in pain, reeking of sweat and stale bananas.
Another night, another monkey fucked.
This shit’s too sick for Oprah. She thought you were fucking guys in monkey suits or something.
This is the real deal. Oh you’ve tried. Lord knows you’ve tried, but there’s no special patch – only the real thing will do.
They bite and scratch, but that makes it more exciting. Gets you off harder than if they just sit there, screeching.
Curious about little Curious George, aren’t you?
Hold my hat. My yellow hat.
Let me show you how to really grind an organ.
639159
Every year, he puts on a Santa suit, visiting dying children in the hospital.
“There are healthy girls and boys without toys,” he’d sneer, holding up an unopened train set. “Are you planning on being buried with this one?”
He went from bed to bed, filling his sack and leaving a trail of screaming children.
The next morning, while on the way to work, he stopped by church.
“Bless you,” said Father John, gladly accepting the toys and games for the gift drive.
Dr. Walters smiled and got back in his car, off for another day of rounds in Pediatrics.
639171
Old man, asleep at the bar.
He’s never said a word in three years.
Nobody knows who he is or what his story is.
Let’s take him to the jukebox.
You can hear sounds of ancient times by running the needle along ridges in pottery.
It’s from when vibrations got embedded in them as they turned on the pottery wheel.
This old man’s got lots of wrinkles, so we put him in the jukebox.
He is instantly electrocuted.
When the smoke clears, we prop him back up at the bar.
To tell you the truth, he smells kinda better now.
848577
They say the devil can quote scripture.
Of course he can. He wrote it. Every word of it.
Branded on the backs of the sinners with red hot pokers.
Skin torn from flesh, pressed into sheets, bound between brimstone covers, still dripping with their blood.
He was there at the Council of Nicea, making changes to his rough draft, whispering in old priests ears and making deals.
I’ll make you a saint.
I’ll make you a hero.
I’ll make you a prophet.
I’ll make you a god among men.
Every hotel room is his church, his word in the drawer.
546076
Why did you do it? What put you over the edge?
You were so happy when I saw you yesterday. So full of the joy of life.
What made you pull the trigger. Twice.
What horror filled your mind with despair and hopelessness What could possibly drag you down so deep?
Twice. Did you pull the trigger?
Or did someone else do it?
They shot you twice and put the gun in your hand.
Then, as they waited to call for help, you breathed.
“I heard the shot. I found him there. I found him dead.”
But you still breathed.
639174
Robert Pastorelli’s been dead for years, but that didn’t stop me from dreaming about him.
His corpse had been torn to pieces and I had stumbled across his tongue, a throbbing slab of redness inchworming its way along the pavement.
I placed a resonating gadget to its tip and it spoke of his death and subsequent desecration.
When I found the rest of his head, I placed the tongue back inside and it babbled nonsense.
Why I dreamed of Robert Pastorelli, let alone his severed head, tongue torn out, I have no idea. I haven’t watched Murphy Brown in years.
639157
The brothers stand at either side of the door, wearing their finest red military parade jackets.
Even though they each had a musket on their shoulder, the guns hadn’t been fired in years.
When had they been fired? Let’s see…
I know. I remember.
That day, the brothers had challenged each other to a duel.
After walking ten paces, they turned, and fired.
Both brothers fell over, dead.
I had them both stuffed, dressed, and propped up at either side of the door.
They are pretty useless as guards now, but then they were pretty useless as guards back then.
1704173
Ever walk a mile with a sword stuck through your chest?
I have. Three times.
The first time was when I got into a fight with The Ninja Master.
He was the best swordsman in all of Japan.
So how did I beat him?
I’m not from Japan.
I’m the best in the world.
Not by much – his head flew off as his sword struck home.
Missed every vital organ.
I walked the mile to my master’s house.
“I told you: bring me his head,” he growled.
I had to walk back to get it.
And then, back again.