Tag: commentary

The Play

636180

Every Thursday, the neighborhood kids gather up at the local church and put on a puppet show for the town.
This week was different.
You see, someone burned down the shed the kids used to store their arts and crafts.
Years and years of handcrafted puppets, up in smoke.
So, the children used cheese. They put hunks of cheddar, gouda, and havarti on sticks and a bedsheet curtain rose to thunderous applause.
Hamlet had never been so… delicious.
When the curtain fell for the last time, we gave them a standing ovation.
And then, got out our wine and crackers.

Bulletproof

636183

Someone who’s ready to buy something right then and there has The Look.
The salesman saw it on all the customers he’d just finished demonstrating a high-end laptop to.
“So, any questions?” he asked, snapping the laptop shut.
“How rugged is it?” asked a banker.
The salesman swept the laptop off of the table and it hit the floor.
He picked it up and turned it on.
No damage.
“It’s practically bulletproof,” he said.
A shot rang out, and a bullet dented the case, but the laptop stayed on.
“We’ll take a thousand,” said the Army Colonel, holstering his pistol.

Fistfucking The Platypus

636196

I’ve read every overpriced advice book there is at the bookstore.
Who Moved My Cheese? and Throwing The Elephant didn’t help with my miserable stupid job, meaningless life, and spiritual bankruptcy. I just got shit on more.
So, I decided to write my own overpriced advice book: Fistfucking The Platypus.
I put tons of bad advice between the covers, added crappy drawings that a third grader with two broken hands could doodle up, and then put a twenty-dollar price tag on the hardback.
Despite my not mentioning platypuses, PETA doesn’t like it.
They can just bend over like…
You know.

The Book Of Roger

636189

Ladies and gentlemen, please turn your hymnals to Roger Chapter 5 Verse 3.
What? You nay heard about Roger?
Well, I photocopied it up and stuck it in your books, so shut yer traps and read along or yer all going to Hell!
“Two monkeys were fucking on a unicycle the other day, arguing over an ice cream cone.”
What are ye daft? Why are you lot looking at me like that?
Got a problem with the Gospels or something?
This is The Book of Roger. And Roger didn’t mince words like all the other pansies who wrote The Bible.

War of the Gods

636187

Corn Goddess and the Sky God make war by the ocean.
Wind blows over crops, the people suffer and starve.
Thunder God makes rain, lightning.
Our homes burn.
Coyote the Trickster gives us salt painted like seed.
Fields are ruined, Earth Goddess boils with rage.
We survivors surround the chief.
“Why do we worship these assholes?” asks Runs With Wolves.
The Chief slaps away a bottlefly, courtesy of Insect God.
“Dunno,” says the Chief, handing out brochures. “Let’s pick new religion.”
As we discuss and reason with each other, the chaos subsides.
Their power came from faith. Withheld, it wanes.

The Customer

636192

You know the phrase The Customer Is Always Right?
Bullshit. This guy is an asshole.
For years, he’s been plaguing me with stupid questions, begging for me to help him, screaming that he’s losing thousands of dollars because of me.
It’s because he’s a stubborn jackass. It doesn’t matter what instructions I give to him – he ignores them.
When I read the paper this morning, I saw his name on the front page.
Seems his house burned down and he died in the fire.
I guess he didn’t follow the instructions again.
That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it.

Two Balls, No Outs

636189

Spring is here, and that can only mean one thing…
Baseball.
It’s something you can’t experience through the television or the radio.
Go to the park.
Buy peanuts and beer.
Root, root for the home team.
And then, you head for the bathroom, take off all your clothes, and run as fast as you can for the field.
Nothing quite like streaking bare-assed naked.
Try it at home. It just isn”t the same as when you’re there.
The roar of the crowd.
The shouting cops.
The wind in my hair.
Seven bucks for beer?
You can kiss my ass, man!

The Torch

636181

Damn Chinks killing the shit out of Tibetans pissed off a bunch of folks, so they went after the Olympic Torch with water buckets and fire extinguishers.
I mean, how hard is it to put out a torch that some geeks in track suits are running all over the world?
It’s not as easy as you think, but if you put some effort into it, it becomes a sport in an of itself.
It took a while to get traction, but Torch Dowsing became an official Olympic event in 2016.
Now protesters do their best to keep the thing lit.

Trademark

636181

In all the signals the aliens sent us, there was never a harsh word or a profanity uttered.
Completely friendly.
It wasn’t until their delegation landed and their people walked around did we realize it was going to be an issue.
You see, in their language, many corporation names and trademarked brands were the most vile things imaginable.
“Coke” was a revolting sexual act.
“Disney” was scatological in nature.
“Ford” was akin to genocide.
And so on.
So, eventually, they gave up on our planet and went on to the next one.
While we drank our Cokes and waved goodbye.

Beautiful Teeth

636185

I have the most beautiful teeth.
White, smooth, and perfectly even.
They are marvelous and precise, a wonder to behold.
My gums, however, are disgusting.
Bloody and ragged, like a horrendously ugly frame around an exquisite work of art.
“How can this be?” I ask my dentist. “What kind of cruel joke is it to have such beautiful teeth held prisoner within this putrid mouth?”
This dentist is no different than the others. He has no answers.
I wish I were the Cheshire Cat.
I’d vanish from the world, along with my gums, leaving this most wondrous, precious, beautiful smile.