Tag: tragedy

Floor-Thumper

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The Reverend was in his office, practicing his bible-thumping, when he felt an odd sensation in his chest.
Two seconds later, he hit the floor with a thump, dead.
Upon arrival in Heaven, Jerry was expecting a harp, halo, and wings.
Instead, St. Peter slid a piece of paper and a pen across the table.
“Please sign this,” he said.
“What is it?” said Jerry, adjusting his glasses.
“It’s a nondisclosure agreement,” said St. Peter. “Please sign it so we may proceed.”
Jerry signed it.
“Good,” said St. Peter, putting the paper in his briefcase. “Have a nice trip down.”

Squirrel Gun, Hunting Dog

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I was in the park, watching a guy walk his dog, little puffs of grass and dirt kicking up all around them.
That’s when I saw the squirrel with the sniper rifle up in the tree next to me, nestled among the waving branches.
“You’ve got to compensate for the wind,” I told him.
The squirrel chittered, adjusted his sights, and fired a few more rounds.
POW! POW! POW!
The dog dropped first, then the man spun around into a hedge.
I heard something, and at my feet was that sniper rifle.
And that’s the God’s honest truth, Your Honor.

Leland Clay

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Leland Clay?
That’s a name that brings back memories.
He was the town’s banker, a decent enough fellow. Always dressed nice. Not too nice – just nice enough.
You know, Leland would leave candy out so the kids would come in to put money in their passbook accounts for college.
Leland vanished one day. So did all the bank’s money.
He turned up in the Bahamas – had himself a nice place there.
Not too nice – just nice enough.
We burned it to the ground with him inside it, and the investigators got the rest of the money back.
Want some candy?

With Them

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I used to dance. But I don’t anymore.
For a while, I tried. But the braces on my legs were stiff and awkward.
Everyone smiled and was very supportive.
Too supportive. Like a spotlight was on me.
So, I stopped. And I stopped listening to music, because it made me want to get up and dance with it.
Maybe I can start a dance club, where I can teach others to dance. Or a dancehall where people can dance to my music.
I will dance through them.
And who knows? With medicine as it is, maybe with them some day.

The Wild One

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They called Zacharias the Wild One.
They also called him Peanut Butter and Jelly, because he really liked peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, but all eyes went wide when they saw… the flaming peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
“That’s so totally cool,” said one kid, staring at the burning sandwich in Zacharias’s hands.
“AAAAUUUUUGGGHHHHH!” screamed Zacharias, and he dropped the sandwich, running to the lake to cool his scorched hand.
And that’s when we called him the Wild One.
We also called him an ambulance.
Never saw him again.
I wonder if he still eats peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

The Odd Duck

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Down Highway 27, they got one of them side-of-the-road animal carnivals that’s been there forever and a day.
Forget about that boxing kangaroo or the bear that wrestles folks for ten bucks. They ain’t nothin’.
I wanna tell you about the Odd Duck: he’s a duck that quacks every other quack.
Okay, so he was a lot more interesting when the Even Duck was around, because Odd would quack once, Even would quack the second quack, and so on.
But the Even Duck got himself run over.
Now, the Odd Duck just quacks once and waits, lookin’ around for somethin’.

Pray For A Bicycle

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When Tommy was little, he wanted a bicycle.
His parents couldn’t afford one, though.
So he prayed for it.
He’d dream of that bicycle every night, but it was never there when he woke up.
The kid across the street had one. A nice, shiny red bicycle. With a thumb-bell, too!
Tommy was jealous, and he wished that kid would die so he could get it in a garage sale.
Sure enough, the kid was out riding the bike and a dump truck hit him, killing him dead.
Sadly, the bike was crushed.
He bought the thumb-bell for 25 cents.

Dolls

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When Lisa was a little girl, she loved to play with dolls.
But instead of dressing them up for fashion shows, she commanded them to attend tea parties.
Not invited… commanded.
She eventually grew out of playing with dolls, graduating to commanding friends and coworkers around.
It was much more fun commanding them around. After all, humans can feel, worry, think, and fear. Dolls can’t.
One day, she looked around to find herself alone at her tea party of a life, abandoned and lonely.
Still, what a pretty dress she had on. Such a lovely hat, too.
More tea, dear?

Riding Off

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The bad guys were dead and the town was saved.
We rode our horses into the sunset, whooping and hollering as the lights in the theater came up.
Jason and Leroy were unhooking from their immersion seats, saying how awesome the film was, but Eric just sat in his seat with a glassy stare.
An usher asked if he could be of assistance.
“He’s stuck,” I said.
The usher wiped Eric’s chin with a tissue and snapped his fingers three times.
“He’s stuck alright,” said the usher.
Eric never did wake up.
Sometimes, cowboys just keep riding into that sunset.

Champagne

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“A drone is a pilotless aircraft.”
“What?” I shouted.
“A drone is a pilotless aircraft,” repeated the man in the seat next to me.
He was not easy to hear over the screaming of the other passengers.
“I bet they have some peanuts left,” he continued. “Or should we hold out for the champagne from First Class?”
He reached up for the call button, but before he could press it, the other wing tore off.
That’s when he joined in on the screaming.
I guess I’m going to have the push that button myself…
That champagne had better be chilled.