Category: My stories

Pickling

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“Anything can be pickled,” said Joe.
We were sitting on his front porch, watching the dust blow over the road when he said this.
“What?” I asked.
“Anything can be pickled,” said Joe.
A squirrel ran across the road.
“Could you pickle that?” I asked.
“Not yet,” he said. “Hold on.”
Joe pulled out his gun, shot the squirrel, and walked out to get it.
“Did you have to shoot the thing?” I asked.
“Well, you can’t pickle these things alive,” said Joe. “They tend to claw up the inside of the glass and crap themselves.”
I guess he’s right.

Rivals

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We, the people of Busker County, blew Morgantown off of the map.
Well, sorta.
It started with a friendly football rivalry, but within a week we had armed militias running around, burning crops and the post office.
Someone suggested that we hold a football game to settle our differences, but it turned out to be an ambush.
Rumor was that Morgantown was working on a nuclear weapon.
Turned out to be true, but there was a slight glitch and they blew themselves off of the map.
Call it an error if you want to, I’ll call it peace and quiet.

Message in a Bottle

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I watched as the waves carried the bottle to the beach.
I picked it up, popped the cork, and pulled out some scraps of paper.
They were coupons for herbal medications to make my breasts bigger and my penis longer and thicker.
Then there was a letter from the widow of some oil executive who didn’t know me, but they blessed me and said they’d be dead soon.
Oh, and apparently I’d won a big lottery or something.
Looking out on the water, I saw the glitter of a million more bottles.
“Goddamned Spam,” I mumbled, crumpling up the notes.

The Wild One

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They called Zacharias the Wild One.
They also called him Peanut Butter and Jelly, because he really liked peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, but all eyes went wide when they saw… the flaming peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
“That’s so totally cool,” said one kid, staring at the burning sandwich in Zacharias’s hands.
“AAAAUUUUUGGGHHHHH!” screamed Zacharias, and he dropped the sandwich, running to the lake to cool his scorched hand.
And that’s when we called him the Wild One.
We also called him an ambulance.
Never saw him again.
I wonder if he still eats peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

He Loves You

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God looked over His Wondrous, Unlit Creation and decided it was good.
Well, except for one thing: The Plans.
“Something not right, Boss?” asked an angel.
“Let me get this straight,” said God. “I’m supposed to act like an asshole, drive people nuts for centuries, and then send down my kid to let them know I love them?
“Right,” said the angel.
“And then they kill him,” continued God. “But then he comes back from the dead?”
“Exactly,” said the angel.
“I must have been really drunk when I wrote that shit up,” said God, and He flipped the switch.

The New Weird

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Attention!
In five minutes, we will be releasing The New Weird.
When you receive it, please review the instruction booklet, run all necessary backups, and then install The New Weird.
Should you have any problems installing The New Weird or in the chance that it fails to function normally, then don’t panic – everything is fine.
It is, after all, The New Weird.
In light of the release of The New Weird, support for The Old Weird will end in one month, at which point your Old Weird will automatically become Normal.
Thank you, and please have a Weird Day.

Catered

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My grandfather was very sick, but he had just undergone some kind of procedure or another, and he said he felt up to calling family.
His last words to me were “Heaven will be catered.”
The next day, I was at school, and I got called into the office.
I don’t remember much after that.
Was I fifteen? Sixteen?
Today, I look in the mirror.
Too fat.
I don’t breathe the same drycleaning chemicals he did that rotted out his organs, but still…
I’ve been cutting down, eating less. And exercise.
Hold my seat, Papa Willie. It’ll be a while.

The Odd Duck

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Down Highway 27, they got one of them side-of-the-road animal carnivals that’s been there forever and a day.
Forget about that boxing kangaroo or the bear that wrestles folks for ten bucks. They ain’t nothin’.
I wanna tell you about the Odd Duck: he’s a duck that quacks every other quack.
Okay, so he was a lot more interesting when the Even Duck was around, because Odd would quack once, Even would quack the second quack, and so on.
But the Even Duck got himself run over.
Now, the Odd Duck just quacks once and waits, lookin’ around for somethin’.

Pray For A Bicycle

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When Tommy was little, he wanted a bicycle.
His parents couldn’t afford one, though.
So he prayed for it.
He’d dream of that bicycle every night, but it was never there when he woke up.
The kid across the street had one. A nice, shiny red bicycle. With a thumb-bell, too!
Tommy was jealous, and he wished that kid would die so he could get it in a garage sale.
Sure enough, the kid was out riding the bike and a dump truck hit him, killing him dead.
Sadly, the bike was crushed.
He bought the thumb-bell for 25 cents.

Ass Cheek Split

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Tonight, it’s my night in the ER, and we’ve got a rabbi with a bowling pin up his ass.
It’s the first time I’ve ever seen one in the emergency room.
“Have you ever seen one of these?” I asked a nurse.
“No,” she said. “I think it’s a first. I’ll add it to the book.”
Five minutes later, she says I have a call.
“Who told the media?” I asked.
“It’s not the media,” said the nurse. “It’s the bowling alley. They want the shoes back.”
“What about the pin?” I asked.
“Would you want that back?” she said.