Category: My stories

Israelisms

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As Charley and Carol sit down to record another podcast, another couple sits down in Gaza, puts their headphones on, and they begin to record.
After dispensing with the weather in q’ranic verse, Abdul and Fatima argue over the news of the day.
Well, Abdul talks and Fatima agrees, fearful of the sting of Abdul’s hand.
Oh, and their daughter Yasserina has joined the resistance! Allahu Ackbhar!
Then Fatima thanks everyone (including Mahmoud from Dearborn), wrap things up, and it’s time to upload.
What? The server isn’t connecting?
They forgot to pay their bill, but they still blame the Zionists.

Pink Slip

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Betsy stared at the severance check and wept.
“Is this all I’m worth to you now?” she asked her boss.
“Come on Betsy,” said her boss. “You knew this was coming ever since they invented email.”
“But it was such a good gig,” said Betsy.
“Was… was a good gig,” the boss emphasized. “Nobody wants singing telegrams anymore.”
“I still get fan letters,” she said.
“But not new orders,” said her boss. “I’m sorry, but it’s either let you go or shut things down.”
He let Betsy keep her feather boa, the same one she’d been using for 60 years.

Payback’s a Colossal Bitch

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Lady Liberty wanted to weep as she watched the towers burn.
Later that night, she pried loose the Emma Lazarus poem at her feet and read it for the first time.
Disgusted, she tossed it into the harbor.
“Go somewhere else, huddled masses,” she grumbled. “Pollute someone else’s shore.”
After careful thought, she decided to keep the torch and book.
The torch came in handy for seeing threats at night.
The book was great for whomping them.
After a few assaults on passing ships, the government shut the island down for “Security reasons.”
Eventually, she slept, and the tourists returned.

The Wacky Adventures Of Abraham Lincoln 70

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Abraham Lincoln stood before the prisoners of war and scowled. “You Virginians shed barrels of perspiration while standing off at a distance and superintending the work your slaves do for you,” he said.
“So?” said a Virginian soldier. “What of it?”
Abe walked up to the soldier and whispered in his ear: “How do stay smelling so fresh?”
“We cover ourselves with pumpkin pie,” said the soldier.
Abe leaned in close, took a whiff, and then licked the neck of the soldier.
“It is,” he said. “Delicious!”
For the rest of his days, Lincoln covered himself with fresh pumpkin pie.

Down The Turtle Hole

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Sitting on the riverbank, Alice watched as the muttering turtle slowly pulled the pocketwatch from his shell and looked at the time.
“I’m… late….”
Alice walked over to the turtle and examined its curious markings.
“Why, his shell looks like a waistcoat,” she giggled.
“Stop… or…”
Alice’s sister knew a good turtle soup recipe, and by noon, they had the stew-pot boiling.
“So delicious it was,” they all said.
Alice checked the pocketwatch… still not time to go home yet.
She rested her head on a blanket and had herself a pleasant nap, totally lacking in chessboard and playingcard nightmares.

Volunteered

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Let’s not bullshit.
My kid needs your heart. Soon. We’re not sure how long he can hold on.
We’re not sure how long you can hold on, either.
Doctor says that you signed your organ donor card and didn’t want to be kept on life support, but your family trumped your wishes.
I’ve offered them money. They won’t take it.
Do I need to kill them, or just one to set an example and make them sign the forms?
I wish we could have met under better circumstances.
But for my kid’s sake, I’m still glad I ran you over.

Revenge Nog

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Edwin clutched his chest, wheezing what might have been words.
Iris wasn’t listening. She was just watching him, waiting for him to die.
He saw her emptying his pill case into the toilet, and his eyes went from surprise to anger.
For a moment, Iris considered calling 911.
She rubbed her arm where he’d last burned her, and decided to wait just a little longer.
Edwin had just enough fight left in him to get up from the chair and lunge at her.
She stepped back.
Some plastic surgery for the scars.
Yeah, that would be her gift to herself.

The Passion of the Bullfrog

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In church, Arthur tries to behave.
It’s not easy, though.
He watches a woman in the next pew. She is holding a box, and sweating bullets. A green, webbed foot pokes out of the box, and the woman quickly snaps the lid back down.
“Ribbit,” says the box. “Ribbit ribbit.”
No time to lose!
“Bullfrog!” he shouts, and he grabs for the box. The entire congregation heads for the exits, and the priest ducks behind the pulpit.
For the next five minutes, he stomps the box flat.
When the police finally arrive, he tips his hat and walks out proudly.

Keepaway

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Arthur is home.
His two kids, Jenny and Jack, play Keep Away with the dog. The dog runs back and forth between them, panting heavily. Eventually, the dog clutches his furry little chest and drops dead from a heart attack.
The kids keep playing Keep Away, because they so rarely get to do it with a severed human head.
Arthur watches them through his front window. He takes it with him everywhere, just for these moments.
He wishes their mother could be here, but then, in a way, she is.
He wonders where the rest of her body is stashed.

The Wacky Adventures Of Abraham Lincoln 69

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Disturbed by mounting casualty figures, Abraham Lincoln asked for a census count.
When he had the numbers, he was in for a surprise.
“We have more men now that we had when the war began,” said Abe.
“Yes,” said the statistician. “But gender distribution’s gotten unbalanced.”
Abe noticed that there were many more women than men in public these days.
“It’s the same for the South, too?” asked Lincoln.
“I believe so,” said the statistician.
Lincoln chuckled and rubbed his hands together.
“I don’t think Mary Todd will be having any more headaches if she knows what’s good for her.”