Tag: commentary

Calendars

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Okay, so you got a bunch of calendars for Christmas and you don’t know which to use when the New Year rolls around, right?
Well, you could use them all, but that would cover all your walls. And windows. And floors. And ceilings. And-
You get the point.
On the other hand, you could use just one,. But when someone comes over and sees you’re not using their calendar, they’ll say “You’re not using the calendar I gave you for Christmas? I thought you liked puppies!”
Well, I do, but hey – check out the puppies on Miss January. Oh, momma.

Wrapping Paper

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When you’re done unwrapping your gifts, what do you do with the wrapping paper?
It’s going to end up as landfill, you know. Even if the paper was recycled, it’s going to end up in a landfill now.
All sorts of bright inks, shiny paper… it’s going to last a long time in those landfills.
I know someone who wraps their gifts in biodegradable newspaper. Another puts the gifts behind a closed door that gets opened to “unwrap” them.
But you giving me a blindfold and making me put it on, well, does this mean…
Wait?
Is that a gun?

The Joy Of Work

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The biggest joy of this new office is the fact that it takes me less time to get here and a lot less time to get home.
Sure, I used to read on the bus, or listen to music, or nap.
But now, I can spend that time the way I want to. No more rushing through other things because my day was eaten up by a stupidly long commute.
Of course, my joy at my shorter commute means that countless others have longer commutes of their own.
I’m so sad for them.
Like they never were for me.
HAH!

Speakers

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Ever have one of those weekends when everything goes totally wrong?
I download some music, click on the Play button, but I couldn’t hear any sound.
I turned the speakers on and off, but still, no sound.
Dammit.
Then I messed with the device settings in the computer, but I still couldn’t hear anything.
I spent the whole weekend changing out the speaker cable, then getting new speakers, and…
Wait a minute.
Are my headphones still plugged in?
Those mute the signal to the speakers, don’t they?
I’m sure my neighbors wanted to mute me for the next ten minutes.

The Miracle

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The Temple was theirs again.
After much celebrating and giving thanks, it was discovered that there was only enough sacred oil to light the lamps for 1 day.
Somehow, that oil ended up lasting eight days.
Yeah, that’s the Hanukkah Miracle.
Ever tried using an oil lamp instead of candles or electric lights?
If you haven’t, well, it’s a steep learning curve.
Getting those wicks soaked just right, and then finding the right level of oil… sheesh!
Wanna know what the real Hanukkah Miracle is?
Lighting the damn things and keeping them lit all night long.
Now that’s a miracle!

The Trucks

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Around the clock, the trucks keep coming across the border.
The ones heading North are full of dirt and rocks.
The ones heading South are also full of dirt and rocks, but it’s different dirt and rocks.
We’re not sure why Canada and Mexico are sending all this stuff back and forth, but as long as their trucks keep paying the toll and buying our gas, we really don’t care.
They could haul more back and forth if they used freight trains, but some treaty requires that they use trucks.
So they are.
But why do it at all?
Strange.

Shuffling The Deck

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One by one, the head of every major religion has died.
Pope, Archbishop of Canterbury, Dalai Lama, Chief Rabbi, several of the Grand Muftis – all of them.
People think there’s a pattern, but nobody’s come up with an answer.
I have: God’s shuffling his deck.
The Dalai Lama’s reincarnated as the new Pope.
The Pope’s reincarnated as the Archbishop.
The Archbishop’s the head of the Mormon Church.
The Mormon Edler’s now the Chief Rabbi.
The Grand Muftis?
Have you heard what they’ve said about that woman and the teddy bear?
Well, God has.
They’re in the discard pile. Usually are.

The City So Nice, They Named It Four Times

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Loud guitars and tickertape greet our hero, back from a moon mission.
Or is he a baseball player that set some record?
Nobody knows anymore.
Motorcade stops at City Hall, everybody piles out.
More cheering, more guitars, more tickertape.
The mayor hands him the key to the city, photos get snapped, and he’s back to the airport in an hour.
Perfect.
That’s what we do here – we’re The Other New York.
New York got so busy, they built this place to keep all the parades from tying up traffic, losing business.
Time to sweep the tickertape.
Gotta recycle, you know.

Dumping Grounds

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Spend enough time in the emergency room and you’ll forget that people aren’t always bleeding, screaming, or dead.
Kinda sucks.
It’s especially bad when someone wakes up and you’re there all of the sudden, lights and smells and noise.
What happened?
One moment, they’re stepping into the shower, and the next, into the emergency room.
“What’s the last thing you remember?” is what we ask.
Procedure says to summon Security if the patient asks for anything truly bizarre, like a particle accelerator or a beverage nobody recognizes.
Damn transdimensional portals, dropping these bastards on our doorstep.
Probably aren’t insured, either.

Thankskilling

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We’re releasing the Thanksgiving Virus into the water supply tonight.
It’s a pretty simple virus: it kills anybody who hasn’t eaten cranberries in the past 24 hours.
I mean, all these illegal aliens coming from all over, destroying our traditions, ruining our economy and society – maybe they should show this country a little thanks and assimilate, right?
So while they’re eating their burritos and sushi, we’ll be counting all our blessings, carving up the turkey, spooning out the stuffing, and saving our lives with sweet cranberry dressing.
Those that survive, we’ll cook something up for Christmas.
Pass the gravy, Joe.