Oswald, laying back in his weekly bath, not that there’s much room in the tub left for water to call it a bath, shouts “BEER! NOW!”
Bertha’s sick of being treated like a damn servant. She brings up a bottle and a can. “Which would you have?”
“Bottle,” he says.
She breaks the bottle over Oswalt’s bald head. Glass shatters all over him.
A torrent of profanity fills the air. “What you go do that for?” growls Oswalt.
“Oh, you’d prefer the can?” asks Bertha, and she puts it in one of his dirty socks and bludgeons him to death.
Biography
I woke up this morning to discover I had an exact duplicate.
We quickly confirmed similar memory and appearance, but had no idea when or how the duplication took place.
Also, we both insist we are the original me, even though I know it’s me.
We reach for my wallet at the same time.
It’s a fair fight. We’ve evenly matched, reach and strength, and then everything goes black as my lights are punched out.
I’m sure I clocked him hard, too.
When I wake up, he’s gone.
My wallet’s still here.
And that’s how I got this black eye.
Roses Aren’t Red
I write greeting cards for a living.
Valentine’s Day is a way’s off, but it takes months to come up with new cards and get them printed in time.
Plus, stores are putting cards out earlier and earlier every year.
After sitting at my desk for a week, the best I could come up with was a heart in greyscale.
Inside the card:
Roses aren’t red.
And violets aren’t blue.
I’m colorblind, jerk.
If it gets rejected, I’ll just sell it to an online freebie greeting card company.
Sure, it’s cutting my own throat, but my art must be appreciated.
How do you write 100 word stories? #86
Many folk with beer steins in their hands have asked how do you Tom write a 100 word story
After opposable thumbs binocular vision is our keenest evolutionary attribute. Its collective use over time has given us a collective sense of pattern recognition. The downside to this is we tend to stuff reality into a pattern and after repeated viewings we fail to see errors in the pattern. In writing we counter this will the aid of a second set of eyeballs. We find an editor. Your editor can me a spouse (bad idea) it can be a friend (worst idea) or a paid professional with years of experience (smart idea) Editors make you look smarter pay them well.
Cherubacide
Downtown. Valentine’s Day.
We found the body of a baby with wings in the alley.
There were three pink-shafted arrows in its chest, valentine in its hand.
“Suicide note,” grunts my partner, barely looking up from his coffee “Nothing to see here.”
“Nothing to see, Joe?” I asked. “Suicide shot himself three times in the chest, did he? A freak baby with wings, nothing to see?”
Joe stared deep into my eyes. “When love dies, you don’t want to know. Too much pain.”
Poor Joe. Guy’s hit bottom.
I guess I’ll give him the flowers and chocolates some other time.
How do you write 100 word stories? #85
Many folk with what big eyes you have grandma have asked how do you Tom write a 100 word story
The day comes in every young writers life when they are final published. In most cases it is at some vanity press and you give out hardback for Christmas gifts for the next 2O years. Upon the back of that hard covered work of wonder is your authorly portrait. That image must demand respect, so never smile. That image must be enigmatic, so never smile. The image must show you don’t give a damn about money, public or critical acclaim, so never smile. Hands may grab the face, but not too tightly. $100 hair cuts good idea. $1000 suites. Better
The Tip Of The Iceberg
For some reason, no matter what the circumstances, Jackson and I always end up arguing.
“This is just the tip of the iceberg!” shouted Jackson.
I ask him to show me the tip.
So, he pulls it out of his pocket.
I thought about my high school Physics: buoyancy and displacement will lift the rest of the iceberg up to replace the tip.
Then I thought of English classes: Hemingway said writing is like an iceberg: ten percent above the water while ninety percent below.
Finally, I thought of Jackson’s sister, the cheerleader.
Man, she’s hot!
I love these arguments.
How do you write 100 word stories? #84
Many folk with E tickets to Disneyland have asked how do you tom write a 100 word story on the happy place on earth.
It’s a job. You do it every single day. You do it when you don’t want to. You do it when you’re sick. You do it in all the time slivers that occur during a day. It’s work. You are a worker. No one goes on vacation to write. Anyone tells you writing is fun take this number two pencil and send them to god. You may smile at what you wrote, you may even laugh, but in no sense was the arrival at the combination of word no less arduous then haul a pile of bricks up a hill.
Baptized
Know what’s fun?
Getting baptized.
I’m not talking about one of those sprinkle-water-in-my-face baptisms.
I’m talking about a go-down-to-the-river baptism.
You see, I’m a mermaid. And when I get in the water, my legs transform back into a tail.
Then I laugh and swim away.
It really scares the crap out of the congregation.
Although, you’ve gotta be careful when planning these pranks.
Make sure it happens in a river and it’s deep enough to escape.
You do not want to end up dragged to a swimming pool at the local Y.
“You just baptized me!” I yelled.
No dice.
How do you write 100 word stories? #83
Many folk with milk mustaches have asked how do you tom write a 100 word story
So you got the story written and you are looking for an honest assessment of its merit. If you’re looking for a willing soul to help you, think again bucko. Folk will run faster from that then a hill of fire ants. You will need to employ one of the three rules of captive audience participation: tubs, fires, or cars. The first works best on spouses when you sit with your back against the door. Editors love a good fire though restraints speed up the process. Driving at high speeds with your feet, galvanizes the attention of any potential reviewer.