Tag: sick

Filthy

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The kitchen was positively, absolutely filthy.
Dishes piled up to the ceiling. Rats chewing on open boxes of instant pasta in the corner.
And the stove, well, I won’t tell you about the stove.
It was so repulsive, not even the rats would go near there. Cockroaches didn’t dare explore the greasy mountains caked in the corners of what used to be burners.
“So, what do you think?” asked the landlord.
“Well, the kitchen needs some serious work,” said the agent. “But about those rats…”
“Yes?” asked the landlord.
“Can I keep them as pets?” he said. “They’re so cuuuuuute!”

The Parts Are Greater Than The Sum

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The Trillionaire’s Wife rinsed off the regeneration jelly.
She knew perfection was waiting in the mirror. Again.
The automatic surgical tank began to speak, but she ignored the report. She didn’t care anymore.
But her servants did. And they told the Chief Rabbi, who paid her a visit.
“The body is a gift from The Lord,” he said. “It must be buried whole.”
The Trillionaire’s Wife disagreed. Those discarded organs and acres of skin were morally no different than fingernail clippings.
But her cautious husband quietly kept them all.
She waits for death, soaked in formaldehyde, a thousand times over.

Thankskilling

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We’re releasing the Thanksgiving Virus into the water supply tonight.
It’s a pretty simple virus: it kills anybody who hasn’t eaten cranberries in the past 24 hours.
I mean, all these illegal aliens coming from all over, destroying our traditions, ruining our economy and society – maybe they should show this country a little thanks and assimilate, right?
So while they’re eating their burritos and sushi, we’ll be counting all our blessings, carving up the turkey, spooning out the stuffing, and saving our lives with sweet cranberry dressing.
Those that survive, we’ll cook something up for Christmas.
Pass the gravy, Joe.

Level Playing Field

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All of the headstones are flush with the ground, which has been flattened to allow for quick and easy lawn maintenance.
The groundskeepers are supposed to collect up the flowers and flags and candles and other items left behind, but they never do.
There’s a brief change in tone of the drone of the lawnmower as it chews up and spits out pieces of whatever trinket it’s absorbed, spraying it across the lawn with the grass clippings.
The leaf-blowers toss the grass clippings, leaves, and shards of shared memory into the air.
I’m sure it lands somewhere. Not my problem.

Prayers Answered

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The simplest mistakes can have such disastrous consequences.
It’s true that God hears all prayers, but he’s gotten rather sloppy keeping them organized.
Every now and then, someone’s prayer gets answered for a complete stranger.
Maybe you prayed for a cure for your father’s cancer, but you wake up to a brand new bicycle?
That kind of thing.
It’s been happening more and more, which suggests that either God isn’t infallible or that people don’t know what they really want.
I, for one, really like this shiny new bicycle.
Actually, it’s kinda fun to ride to the cemetery with it.

Weight Loss

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Yeah, I’ve lost weight.
My doctor says I’ve lost too much, but what does he know?
Five weeks ago, I was in the Kroger when the lights flickered… just for a second.
And in that second, all the meat came back to life.
All the animals, screaming out loud. Chickens, cows, pigs, and…
I swear I thought it was people in the store screaming. But…
I was alone.
Humans were in the food?
So, yeah, I don’t eat much now.
I just drink water… and lots of whiskey.
My doctor says I drink too much, but what does he know?

Joe Christ

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It was a great costume idea.
Joe would dress up like Jesus and we’d strap him to a cross on our porch. He’d hand out candy and blessings to all the kids that were brave enough to ask him.
When the big day came, we were a little drunk, so instead of strapping him to the cross at the waist, we went ahead and nailed him to it.
It took us a while to realize that Joe couldn’t hand out candy in that condition.
So, we broke his legs, speared him in the gut, and shoved him behind a rock.

The Same Day

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According to life expectancies, when I was born and my wife was born, we should die at around the same time.
Sure, we have our bad and good habits that add and knock a few years off that number, but pretty much they all balance out.
So, I’m sure it was no surprise to St. Peter when we both showed up at The Pearly Gates side by side.
“I guess you two planned this all along, right?” said St. Peter.
“Hell no,” my wife says, grumbling.
“I didn’t really plan on turning the wrong way down that street,” I said.

Pumpkin Carving

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Okay, a true story:
I couldn’t decide how to carve my Halloween pumpkin, so I just left the knife stuck in the side of the pumpkin and put it up on the shelf.
It sat there for a day, two days… but I just couldn’t come up with any ideas on how to carve it.
I got really frustrated at that, hit my fist on the table, and it jostled the pumpkin so it rolled off the shelf and dropped to the floor.
As it fell past me, the knife slashed against my arm.
That’s right. The pumpkin carved me.

State quarters

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It was 1999, and the Delaware state quarters were released into circulation.
The parking meters were confused at the taste.
It was shaped like a quarter, but it tasted… subtly different.
Cherry? Cranberry?
Something like that.
“Is this another one of those stupid dollar coins?” asked a parking meter.
“It doesn’t feel like it,” said another. “It still tastes like a quarter.”
So, the parking meters agreed to treat them like quarters.
With every new state quarter, a new flavor greeted the parking meters.
Maple syrup, lavender, orange… what a wonderful variety they enjoyed.
Until Utah.
That tasted like crap.