I bought a pair of running shoes with built-in computer chips that track how far and fast you run.
Just wave the shoes over your laptop, and it uploads all the information to a website, complete with maps and calories.
One morning, I looked at the chart, and it said I had run all the way to bank and back overnight.
I don’t remember doing that.
Had I been sleepwalking? Or sleepjogging?
I got my shoes out of the closet, and a bag of money fell off a shelf.
Apparently, I’d been sleepbankrobbing.
At least the shoes paid for themselves.
Tag: mystery
Formation
Sitting in my living room, sipping a cup of tea, I heard the most unusual noise.
It was either a security airship passing, or three dozen lawnmowers flying overhead.
An airship was the likely source of the noise, since the most lawnmowers I’ve seen flying in formation was seven.
And it wasn’t so much as a flying formation of them, but a delivery truck striking a lamp post and its contents being strewn throughout the roadway.
So, it’s probably an airship.
Or the man next door, who makes odd noises like that.
His imitation of a cow is impressive, though.
Uncle Tom’s Cabin
Whenever I need to get away, I pack a bag and head up to my dad’s old cabin in the woods.
For years, I’ve been doing this, chopping wood to feed into the stove, watching the snow fall, and reading by candlelight.
“Thanks, Dad,” I said to his framed photograph.
It was hanging a bit askew, so I straightened it.
Something fell from behind it.
A letter:
“Dear Son,
This cabin actually belonged to my brother Tom. He’s buried under the floor.
Love,
Dad”
So, I thanked my Uncle Tom, tossed another log on the fire, and made some coffee.
The Guy In 7B
Nobody knows the name of the guy in 7B.
What little mail he gets is addressed to Resident or Occupant.
He must have a post office box somewhere in the city.
If you walk up to him and introduce yourself, he’ll say “Yes, I know you, how are you doing?” but not introduce himself back.
I did a search online, but there’s nothing about him.
Don’t bother trying to look through his trash. He shreds everything beyond recognition.
The super won’t tell me.
So, I called him 7B.
“How did you know my name?” he screamed.
And promptly moved out.
Sesquicentennial
I love the word sesquicentennial. It’s a shame that it doesn’t get used much.
Thank goodness for my state’s urban blight and rural renewal program.
Every week since its establishment two centuries ago, a new village or town was established.
Which means there’s plenty of sesquicentennial celebrations to be had.
Bicentennial celebrations, however, are a rarity, since all population centers are razed and resettled after 150 years.
It’s meant to ensure legacy sewer, power, and road infrastructure are replaced with technologically efficient innovations in the new locations, but I think people just like to watch stuff implode, crumble and burn.
Typo
After years of failed negotiations, the Iranians suddenly agreed to comprehensive inspections in exchange for the lifting of international sanctions on their battered economy.
Diplomats patted themselves on the back and praised each other… until the press got a hold of the documents.
“This says IKEA, not IAEA!” shouted the Secretary General Of The United Nations. “Who the fuck screwed this one up?”
Everybody stared at the Swedish representative.
“Hey, those IKEA guys are smart,” he said. “Just look what they can do with some wood and Allen wrenches.”
“They can make coffins,” said the Israeli representative, dialing Tel Aviv.
Arby’s
When I was growing up, I loved the Beef And Cheddars at Arby’s, but after a few bad experiences, I haven’t been back in a very long time.
Everybody I ask says the same thing.
They used to go to Arby’s, but they don’t anymore.
“How do they stay open?” someone asks.
So, we checked the web for a store near to our office and drove there for lunch.
There was nobody in there.
We looked around, shouted HELLO, but nobody answered.
That’s when I noticed the crate with Russian stenciled on it.
And a folder full of invasion plans.
Stags Of The Star
Human Resources warned us: “Chris isn’t feeling well.”
Instead of his usual attire, Chris came into the office wearing a loincloth and feathered headdress, and he tapped my desk with a golden scepter.
“KNEEL BEFORE CHRISOCOATL!” he boomed.
I figured what the heck, so I kneeled.
“ARE YOU VENTURING TO THE STAGS OF THE STAR?”
Stags Of The Star? Stags…
Starbucks?
“I will journey forth and bring back plenty,” I said.
By the time I got back with everybody’s coffee order, he’d torn the heart out of the receptionist.
I took five bucks from her purse to cover her double-latte.
Your Mission
After listening to the tape describe a nightmare Doomsday scenario facing the world, Jim listened to his mission, and then pondered whether he should accept it or not.
Before the tape had self-destructed in a whiff of smoke, Jim had made his decision:
No.
Instead, he went fishing, and caught a pair of trout that grilled up nicely.
Finishing his beer, he turned on the television to watch the news.
Just a tone and a test pattern.
It was on every channel.
Jim figured the new regime would probably hire him.
He hoped that his retirement plan would roll over.
Test Drive
One of the drawbacks to owning an electric car is that you can’t leave it running in a closed garage to suffocate yourself.
However, you can still drive it off of a cliff, assuming there’s any cliffs around. Or ram it into a tree without wearing a seat belt, assuming that you have a control or switch that will disable the airbags.
I’m not sure that you can drive it into a lake to drown. Does it float? I’m not sure. Perhaps you could add some cinderblocks to the trunk.
So, want to take it for a test drive now?