My car got a flat tire right outside of an ice cream shop.
Is this the universe’s way of telling me that I should have ice cream?
You know, Galileo said that the language in which God made the universe is mathematics.
What if he was wrong? Maybe the universe was written in the language of ice cream?
If so, ISO-639 should include a language code for ice cream: ic.
And you could tack on dialect codes for different flavors, such as ic-rr for Rocky Road.
A rocky road that flattens your tire in front of an ice cream store.
Tag: personal
Sick
I hate being sick.
If I’m going to take time off of work, I’ll go to the museums or to the Galleria or to a baseball game or somewhere ANYWHERE instead of sitting at home.
Oh, sure, I like a nice long hot bath, but there’s only so long you can soak.
Books? My eyes get tired quickly when I am sick.
Podcasts and music are just annoying when I am sick. And television is worse.
So, I try to write. But it all turns out about being sick like this worthless piece of crap.
I’ll just take another nap.
Towel
Every summer, my parents sent me to a daycamp.
Once a week, we’d go out to the local pool.
I’ve always hated swimming and water. I’d just stay on my towel, but now and then, the camp counselors would pick me up and throw me in the pool.
I’d try to run from them, but they always got me. Everybody ganged up on me.
I hated it.
One time, I forgot which towel was mine.
We had to wait until everybody got their towels.
Logically, mine was the last one.
Doesn’t matter. I wished they’d have hung themselves with it.
Break
My wife is going out of town to visit her sister.
The last time she visited her, I went out on my bike to get groceries.
On the way back, I fell off my bike and broke my elbow.
This time, I’m not going to ride my bike.
And I’m not going to go get groceries.
Instead, I’m going to hole up in the living room and order pizzas for a week.
There’s no way I’ll break my arm now. As long as I don’t trip over empty boxes. Or violently piss off a delivery driver with a crappy tip.
Phone
I left my phone somewhere.
It’s not in the bathroom or conference room.
So, I borrowed another phone and ran the Find My Phone app.
Oh. Wait.
It’s in the back seat of the car I got a ride to the restaurant in.
I’ll see them at work on Monday.
This means I’ll be without my phone all weekend long. The longest I’ve been without it since… since…
Stop worrying. I’ll be fine without it. I can go a whole weekend… without… a… phone…
I’ll just go and get a new one right now.
Eh, I needed an upgrade anyway.
The Pet That Sucked
My first furry pet was a guinea pig.
I don’t know if it was a boy or girl. And I don’t remember if it had a name.
It lived in a monkey cage in the room I shared with my brother.
I wasn’t allowed to open the cage to pet the thing. And I have no idea who fed it, filled the water, or cleaned the cage.
It got out of its cage, cut itself on a sharp edge, and bled to death in a closet.
I cried a lot. Too much.
I shouldn’t have. It was a sucky pet.
Ghost
I listened to the ghost of David Rakoff read his latest, final book.
David Rakoff is a brilliant writer, but he’s also a brilliant performer, so his audiobooks are what I get.
Got.
I remembered that his book was available as I left the office, but iTunes wouldn’t load it because I wasn’t on WiFi, and it was a large file.
So, I walked to the bus stop, waited for the bus, got on, and squeezed my way to the back door where I stood in the stink and jabber…
And then, home. Wifi.
Loading… loading… loading…
Speak, ghost. Speak.
Anniversary
It’s our anniversary. Can’t think of any personal gifts to get.
So, we bought ourselves a huge Smart TV. And we replaced our old Blue Ray player with a Smart Player.
I can control them with my smartphone.
We will probably get a smart sound bar to give us surround sound for the baseball games and movies we watch.
I’m not sure what more we can add to this system, but with all the apps and features running on these devices, they suck down more electricity than a Vegas casino.
Our electric bills bankrupted us.
Not very smart, I guess.
Baby
My friend just had a baby.
Another friend had one recently.
Sometimes, I wonder what it would be like, to be a father.
Then, I look at my father… well, think of my father, because I haven’t actually seen him in two years, and I don’t call my parents much.
I’m not even sure what he looks like now. In fact, he could be standing right here next to me, holding out his hand and expecting a tip for hauling my luggage to my hotel suite while I tap out this story.
If so, I don’t tip. Even you, Dad.
Spare keyboard
Once, I spilled coffee in my computer keyboard, and I couldn’t wash it out. The keyboard was ruined.
I didn’t have access to an office to borrow a replacement keyboard.
It was over Thanksgiving weekend, back before the Black Friday phenomenon, so stores were closed for two whole days.
Ever since, I’ve kept a spare keyboard and mouse on my closet shelf.
And spare ammunition.
And meals ready to eat.
And…
I’d better not say more. Someone might hear and want to steal my emergency supplies.
I’d better shut down the generator. Fuel’s scarce these days.
Do you hear zombies?