After the invasion, we spent trillions of dollars rebuilding the infrastructure we’d bombed and destroyed, sacrificing thousands of soldiers fighting the insurgents thwarting those rebuilding efforts.
Despite the unpopularity and the massive expense of the project, the politicians ordered the military and the contractors to continue.
Then, one day, a builder took off his hard hat, looked around at the beautifully-paved streets and newly-painted shopping malls and schools and houses and hospitals, and he said “It looks like we’re done.”
A security contractor nodded his head, and then said: “Nice place. But quiet. Is anybody left alive to enjoy it?
Tag: war
The Hypocrite
They showed me the activist’s profile.
“Professional protester. Trust fund baby. San Francisco.”
They let that out slowly: “San Francisco.”
Photos of a Pride parade, love and peace.
I saw him in a Gaza City cafe, sat down, and said “If I shouted Gay and you shouted Jew, who would they kill first?”
“Don’t,” he begged.
Where’s your pride now?
Coward.
That night, in bed, I told my boyfriend.
“Fucking faggots,” he said, and he held me as we laughed.
When I heard he was dying, I wrote him.
Wished there was a cure for his condition: hypocrisy and hate.
Exoplanet
Scientists made a list of Earth-like exoplanets.
The first set of seeder pods full of colonizing bacteria were ready when the meteorites began to fall into the ocean.
Strange energy signals rose from the depths, and algae started to assemble into vegetable-based manufacturing centers, spewing plant-based exploration tendrils.
We tried to stop them. A few hundred nukes later, we thought the invaders were defeated.
They weren’t. The battle raged on for years before we finally won.
Still, one day, the plants and vegetables might rise again.
And that’s why you need to mow the lawn and eat your lima beans.
Unlike Johnny
Unlike Johnny Appleseed, Louie Landmine was a real prick.
He went around the countryside, planting landmines.
Every so often, you’d hear an explosion. Another victim of Louie’s vile project.
Prick.
Whenever Louie got arrested, he managed to make bail.
Or, if the judge didn’t allow for bail, his attorney would win the case.
“Where’s your evidence?” he said. “Were there any witnesses? Anything to match his fingerprints to left?”
The jury would usually end up hung, or find him not guilty.
Until the court managed to find twelve of his victims to pack a jury.
They shot him at dawn.
Questions
Ned sent me a text message: “I have some questions.”
I sat down and waited for the questions to arrive.
One minute.
Two minutes.
Three minutes.
No questions.
Four hours later, still no questions.
I started to text back “What are the questions?” but I cleared the screen.
I’m not going to give in.
I’m not going to play this game.
If Ned has questions for me, he’ll ask them.
So I sit.
And wait.
What if Ned’s not responding because he’s in trouble?
Or lost?
Or hurt?
I sit there, worrying. Then, I text:
“I have some questions, too.”
A Common Error
The Sultan heard that one of his nieces had taken to walking around with a silver platter on her head.
He summoned her to the palace and watched as she walked with grace and speed.
“Her balance is most excellent,” said an adviser.
A general agreed, “This would help the troops in combat.”
So, the Sultan sent out the order that all soldiers put silver platters on their heads.
However, his people were barely literate, so they mistook his command for putting their heads on silver platters.
His army decapitated, the enemy easily conquered his country.
And took his head.
The Final Rule
I have a hollow tooth. It is full of poison.
If I am captured, I will crush the tooth, swallow the poison, and die.
Sure enough, I’m in the middle of a mission, and I get captured.
So, I try to crush it, but it doesn’t break.
I smash my face against the table.
Nope. But I do bloody my nose.
Eventually, I get the information tortured out of me, and I’m sent back as part of a prisoner exchange program.
“Tooth’s a dud,” I say.
The agent reaches in, crushes it with pliers.
“Nope,” he said.
And I die.
Drumming Out
The first man to be drummed out of the Army was forced to march from one end of the camp to the other to the sound of drums. (His jacket was turned inside-out, too, but that was already in practice among the dishonorable.)
In the Civil War, soldiers had their heads shaved and rank insignia torn from their jackets. Officers told the troops not to touch the drummed-out soldiers, but more than one was found dead after the ceremony.
These days, the Army’s much more civil.
But the Mafia sticks guys in oil drums and tosses them into the harbor.
The Siege of Oz
Before the Wizard floated off and Dorothy vanished, the Scarecrow, Tinman, and Lion swore to rule Oz with intelligence, compassion, and bravery.
Instead, they spent their time bickering and fighting.
The Lion became foolhearty. Barroom brawls ruined his once-magnificent pelt, making him that much more sullen and angry, drinking more, fighting more.
The Tinman was overly compassionate, giving away everything in the Treasury.
The Scarecrow, stuck with the balance sheets, yelled “Damn you both!”
The leaderless Winged Monkeys and Witch Castle Guards received news of this chaos.
They marched on Emerald City, ready to overthrow the misguided and incompetent triumvirate.
The Conspiracy
We recruited quietly.
Terminal cancer patients.
The mentally retarded.
The homeless.
The hopeless.
Each received two packages: maps showing their target, and a bomb to deliver to that target.
We wanted to coordinate attacks, but some of these people couldn’t wait… time was running out, and we had to collect some maps and bombs.
It was only a matter of time before we’d get caught.
So, we set them loose, and the impact was devastating.
Every soft target was hit. Corrupt politicians, greedy bankers, crooked parasites all obliterated.
Society panicked.
Then, when the smoke cleared, we waited.
Hoping for change.