Tag: cliche

Billy the Kid

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Feelin’ lucky tonight?
William Bonney over in Accounting was a renegade CPA who settled down and went corporate.
But during Audit Season, the Call of the West got in his blood, and he became Billy the Billing Kid.
Forms? Ledgers? Books?
He’s put them all away and reached for his sixguns.
He’d shoot down lawyers and tax agents and all sorts of credit service representatives.
Accounts Payable and Accounts Receivable became Accounts Dead when he faced off with them on Main Street at High Noon.
Billy wasn’t killed by no sheriff.
Downsizing, man. It gets us all in the end.

The Bunny Mafia

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You want to know? Well, I’m dead either way, I might as well talk.
You want to hear about The Bunny Mafia?
I’ll tell you about it.
Yeah, I ran with the rabbits. Cooked books for the Five Hutches, trafficked in hookers.
You know. Because they screw like rabbits.
No drugs. Only carrots, lettuce, cabbage – they like vegetables. The fresher, the better.
Then, one day, a package arrives. It’s a bloody foot on a chain, wrapped in newspaper.
“Little Bunny Fufu sleeps with the Easter Eggs,” said The Harefather.
Yeah, he got whacked on the head, alright.
He got whacked.

The Rainbow Eyes

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Every time Jesse blinks, her eyes change color.
From blue to brown to green to yellow to red…
“Is it some kind of newfangled contact lenses?” I ask.
She laughs. “I was hang gliding and flew through a rainbow,” she said. “Apparently, there’s some kind of magic in rainbows that does this.”
You’re supposed to wear goggles, but Jesse’s broke and fell off, leaving her eyes unprotected.
“What about the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow?” I asked.
“I wish,” she said, sighing. “Just the eyes.”
She picked up her cane, and her dog led her away.

Fistfucking The Platypus

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I’ve read every overpriced advice book there is at the bookstore.
Who Moved My Cheese? and Throwing The Elephant didn’t help with my miserable stupid job, meaningless life, and spiritual bankruptcy. I just got shit on more.
So, I decided to write my own overpriced advice book: Fistfucking The Platypus.
I put tons of bad advice between the covers, added crappy drawings that a third grader with two broken hands could doodle up, and then put a twenty-dollar price tag on the hardback.
Despite my not mentioning platypuses, PETA doesn’t like it.
They can just bend over like…
You know.

Supersize

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Ever try to Supersize a Happy Meal?
I’ve tried it all around the world. Every single store they have on the face of the earth. I’ve been to every stinking one of them.
And they just won’t do it.
It doesn’t matter what language they speak there or what currency they take. They just won’t do it.
It’s impossible, they say.
Nothing is impossible, I reply.
They said that I couldn’t go around the world, asking for a Supersized Happy Meal, but I have.
I hear three new stores open every day.
Let’s hit the road and try again tomorrow.

The Boat

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He puts her in the ground and plants a tree on the spot as he promised.
Years later, he takes a branch and whittles a small boat from it.
Places a candle in the center.
Go to the water, light the candle, and let it flow downstream.
Every night, you can see dozens of candles floating by.
At sunset, it’s so beautiful. And yet, every light is someone lost.
And someone who has lost.
When it is my time, promise me.
Plant the tree.
Carve a boat.
Light a candle in the center.
And remember.
As I have promised you.

Sunset

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It’s been a long day.
I’ve got my beer and my hat, sitting out in the back yard, listening to a whole lot of nothing, and waiting for the sun to set.
Waiting. And waiting.
Lemme check my watch…
It’s way past time for sunset.
And my beer is empty.
Time’s passed.
If the sun’s gonna take its time setting, well, I’m gonna enjoy it.
But just to check, I put my empty at the end of my lawn chair’s shadow.
If it hasn’t moved by the time I finish my other beer, well, I’ll call…
Who do I call?

Willy Lied

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Willy Wonka said that they’d come away unchanged and unharmed, but just a little wiser.
Willy lied.
The fat kid drowned in the fudge vats. They didn’t bother scooping him out. Choppy-chop!
The gum-chewer exploded into blueberry goo in the hallway. Fucking gross!
The greedy bitch was crisped in a furnace, followed by her father. Good riddance to them both.
The TV kid survived. But he was only four inches tall. That makes it hard to treat for radiation sickness.
By the time they buried little Mike Teevee in a shoebox, Charlie and his family were moving into the factory.

Mailed It

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When you can’t be there for someone, sometimes you do the best you can with what you have.
This wasn’t much comfort to Sarah, but she didn’t feel like wasting time complaining or getting angry over something she couldn’t change.
She kissed the slip of paper, put it in an envelope, and mailed it to her one true love.
The mailman took it for himself and hid it away in a desk, bringing it out every so often when he felt sad and lonely.
A coworker discovered the letter and showed it to their boss.
He growled and mailed it.

She Wore Angry

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There’s some kinds of hate that wash off like dirt in the shower, and there’s others that go deep that you can’t dig it out without killing the wounded heart it’s wrapped around.
She wore Angry like a mask and Vengeance as a necklace, barbed wire around her ankle while she hunted us down one by one.
We knew she was coming for us. Like a force of nature, there wasn’t a damn thing we could do but dig deeper and pray she passed overhead.
Someone calls you. Your phone’s set to vibrate, but it rattles loud.
Did she hear?