Tag: commentary

Prom Coup

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For once, everything went according to plan.
We waited for the Prom King and Queen to finish their dance before rising up and overthrowing them.
Aside from Greenbaum’s nosebleed, it was a bloodless coup.
Under our regime, there’d be spiked punch. There’d be better tunes. There’d be limos for everyone.
The First Citizen’s Party Party promised lots and delivered little. The disappointed partygoers wanted to hold elections, but we tried to keep power.
From exile, the King and Queen maneuvered their loyalists against us.
The battle was fought well, but lost. They took their thrones once more, and we danced.

Eden

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Ever since those humans were kicked out, it’s been pretty quiet back here in the Garden of Eden.
I’m the Gardener. I take care of the Garden.
Every day, I do an inventory of all the animals, just to make sure none are missing. They never do, but it doesn’t hurt to check.
Someone could get eaten by accident. Somehow.
Well, not really. There’s no need to eat here. Not even plants. Just soak up sunshine and dream all day long in perfect eternity.
Don’t tell God, but every now and then I punch a giraffe. Just for fuck’s sake.

Unfresh Air

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Nobody says “Go outside for some fresh air” anymore. We’ve pumped so much crap into the sky, nobody can breathe without a filter bubble or a set of tanks.
A few other things have changed. Tunnels, domes, and electric vehicles. Also lots of genetically-engineered plants people hope will eat up all the chemicals in the air.
It’s not working. The air just gets worse and worse.
They could have put Wrigley Field under a dome, but the Cubs decided to just tear it down and build a new ballpark.
First year in it, they win the World Series.
Who knew?

She’s Hot

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Yeah, Janey’s hot compared to these other ugly, repulsive circus freaks.
But I think you need to know the whole story.
Did you notice that her profile says she likes cigarettes, but she says she’s a non-smoker?
Want to know why?
She uses them to burn herself. She’s got a whole bunch of scars on her arms.
That’s why her photo shows her wearing long sleeves.
There’s only one thing she likes more than burning herself with cigarettes.
Being held down by someone else while they burn her.
So, want her number, or would you rather date the fat chick?

AIDS Microwave

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There’s two symptoms of AIDS folks that forget: fear and ignorance.
Early on there was plenty of both.
There were people dying young and leaving behind loved ones, pets, material possessions and crap.
People would ask at garage sales, picking through tennis racquets and microwaves. “Did he die of … that disease?”
When told yes, prices come down. Or nobody will touch them at all.
Take this microwave, for instance. Perfectly good. Top-of-the-line.
Once they know about its former owner, people think they’ll get AIDS from it.
It’s perfectly safe.
Well, okay – maybe an electric shock. It’s not well-grounded.

Locked

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I’m sure your computer guy sucks, but he’s nothing compared to our computer guy jerk Stan.
Stan once changed everybody’s email passwords, then when people asked what their new passwords were, he emailed them out to everyone.
As much as everyone complained, the company wouldn’t get rid of him. In fact, they gave him a raise and ordered him a company car.
The HR people were thoroughly disgusted, and then he showed up.
“Where’s my car?” asked Stan.
“It’s in your parking space,” the HR people said.
“Cool,” said Stan. “Where are the keys?”
“We locked them inside the car.”

The Devil’s Due

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Every day, the Devil puts himself on trial for all of his evil deeds.
The evidence is presented in its entirety, from the dawn of Creation to the moment the judge bangs his gavel.
Witnesses take the stand, present their testimony, and shuffle off to make room for the next victim of The Devil.
The Devil offers no defense, and he throws himself upon the mercy of the court.
Without fail, the jury always quickly finds him innocent.
The Devil scowls, and leaves the court a free man.
“Would they honestly find me guilty, I’d let them leave,” he says.

Boxed Up

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Brad woke up in darkness, a splitting headache his only companion. He rubbed the back of his head and then felt around him…
Straw… wooden floor… wooden walls… a low wooden ceiling… faint light leaking through the slats…
Brad decided he was in a crate.
He listened… ocean waves?
“Hello?” he shouted.
He waited. No response.
Brad kicked at the wooden slats until they splintered.
He peered out from the hole… a sandy beach, with the sun setting over the water.
“Excellent,” he said to no one.
He spent a week on the island, then called for a pickup time.

The Gates Of Heaven

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Centuries went by, and Peter made a list of the things that annoyed him about Heaven.
He wondered about the Pearly Gates. Why have gates without a fence?
Then there were the harps. They were all left-handed.
Finally, nobody was sweeping up all the molting from the angels’ wings. Feathers feathers, everywhere.
One day, there was a lull in the death count, or maybe everybody dying that day was far too evil.
Either way, he had some time, so he asked God about his list.
God smiled. “I work in mysterious ways.”
Peter nodded, and went back to the Gates.

Lighter

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Howard spent a lot of money on his silver torch-style lighter, so he wasn’t about to give it up when he went through airport security.
“Can’t I just get it checked?” he asked the TSA agent. “I’m late for my damn flight.”
“It’s too late for that,” said the agent. “Please surrender the item and proceed through the detector.”
Howard argued with the agent for a minute, and it ended with “Well, if you’re so worried, how about the lighter I’ve got hidden up my ass?”
Howard took a later flight. He also asked for a blanket to sit on.