The Joker

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I work for a practical joke factory.
I started leading group therapy for depressed whoopie cushions. I’d ask them how they’d feel, they’d say PFFFFFFTTTTP!
I tried my hand in R&D, but after two years of working on an invisible ink formula, I had nothing to show for it.
I moved to the testing lab. I’d rather not talk about when I thought I was working with artificial dog poop and vomit, okay?
Now I’m the biggest joke of all: Human Resources.
Yes, your benefits will be enough to cover any issue that might come up. Trust me on this.

Weekly Challenge #205 – Fire

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Welcome to the Weekly Challenge Number Two Hundred and Five, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.
The topic this week was… was…. um…
It’s Fire!
VOTING

Which were the best stories this year?
Steven the Nuclear Man
Ross
Keeme
Zachmann
TJ
Norval Joe
Justin
Anima
JRadimus
Planet Z
  
Free polls from Pollhost.com

Go ahead and listen to them and then vote for your favorites (multiple selections are allowed):


Steven the Nuclear Man

They were halfway through the fourth verse of “Kum-by-yah” when the
campfire winked out.
There was no smoke, no coals. Bobby flicked his flashlight on and
moved closer. His hand touched the charred wood.
“It’s cold,” he said, and then his light flicked out. A second later
the other camper’s flashlights went out.
The circle of darkness spread, extinguishing fires and flashlights.
Then cars stopped on the freeway. Jet engines failed. Power plants
stopped running. Combustion of all kinds stopped on planet Earth.
Zeus looked down at Prometheus. “Thank you for returning what you stole.”
The gods ignored humanity’s screams.

Ross

They called him the Human Torch. He was like something out of comic books. Flames crawled all over his flesh, and little yellow and red tongues licked at his hair, but never ignited so much as a single strand.
They remember how he had to sleep on a ceramic bed, and left charred footprints in his wake.
They remember how he kept the local nursing home residents alive when the Blizzard of 2042 knocked out power for three weeks.
But then the CIA discovered he was an arsonist, and guilty of murder. And quietly, surreptitiously, the Human Torch got snuffed.

Keeme

LIARS! They said you would be good for me, you would make me happy and content. At first you made me smile and forget the empty feeling I had. People look at us and desire you, that made me want you even more. As time went by, I knew things had changed between us. Sure, we had our moments, but it would not last, it never lasts. It’s always the same for us, happiness with a price. I knew you were just a cheap thrill but the fire you give my heart is not worth it my dear pepperoni pizza.

Zachmann

Daniel’s parents were traditional and did not think to teach him to cook. One of Daniel’s friend told him how he could make chicken soup when he was at work thinking he had a crock pot. Daniel’s parents where dropping of some furniture for him and saw fire through his window. Daniel’s dad opened the door saw the fire on the stove and turned off the stove then smothered the fire with salt from a Kirkland bag. Daniel was glad he gave his father a key. Daniel wondered if he could wash the extra salt out off chicken with soap.

TJ

You log on to the home page of your newspaper and there’s a Playboy centerfold, complete with copyright logo. Classified ads have been rerouted to the personals in a leather fetish chat site. Display ads all have the same words and logos but now they’re paired with new graphics, mostly lurid closeups of naughty bits from chatroulette.com, and all the stories are copyrighted material from Walt Disney. You find all incoming calls have been routed to the local police department, while all outgoing calls route to a $50-a-minute offshore switchboard. Note to news operations: Do not fire your IT guy.

Norval Joe

“My brother said you have to be able to start a fire with one match,” he said and showed the small red and white tipped sticks to his friend.
They gathered arm loads of dry grass in the empty lot between their houses.
He scratched the match stick across a rock and pushed it under the pyre.
The fire caught instantly and spread out in seconds.
They fled to the safety of his back yard and watched the fire trucks arrive in time to save the neighboring fences.
“It only took one match,” he smiled and said to his friend.

Justin

Gladior crept up the crags and peered over a jagged outcropping. Spying the giant named Maliphous, he took an arrow, knocking it. He watched as the giant ate glop from a huge bowl. Whispering the magic word, the arrowhead burst with blue flame. Gladior waited until Maliphous turned away then he stood, loosing the arrow. The bowl dropped and Maliphous clutched his stomach. The brown glop spilled down the mountianside. Doubling over, a gargantuan burst of flatulence emitted from his hindquarters, blasted the arrow off course and ignited. Dancing and swatting at his behind he screamed “Fire in the hole!”

Anima

‘m driving in my car, I turn on the radio…
I’m pulling you close, you just say no…
You say you don’t like it, but babe, you’re a liar,,
Coz when we kiss –
“Don’t quit your day job just yet….Hey – you wanna know what burns my butt?”
“This another bad pun, Hector?”
“You’re not interested? I thought the counselor said we needed to work on communication.
Go on, you know you wanna ask…”
“Alright already, what burns your butt?”
“A fire about that high”
Ok, Hector, do YOU know what chaps my lips…”

JRadimus

When I first learned about French Cuisine, I didn’t like it. I heard things like sauté, croissant, soufflé, quiche, and coq au vain. It all seemed a bit weak and frou-frou to me. Food was described with words like ‘flaky’ and ‘buttery’, ‘light’ and ‘delicate’. Where were words like ‘robust’, and ‘hearty’? When I eat, I want food that’s substantial, not “ethereal”. Then, I learned about crème brulee. I was skeptical, at first. It didn’t sound any tougher than the pastries. But then, I learned that it’s made with a blow torch! Anything cooked with fire is fine by me.

Planet Z

Alchemists believed that there were four basic fundamental elements: Fire, Water, Earth, and Air.
Everything in existence was made of some combination of those four basic elements.
Then came Wally. Wally the Alchemist.
He went from town to town, trying to sell bottles with a concoction he claimed was a fifth fundamental element.
Even though it was just mud he mixed up down by the riverbank, people bought it by the wagonload.
At first, they tried to drink it. Then, they smeared it on their bodies.
Finally, they pelted Wally with the bottles.
“The fifth element is pain,” Wally groaned.

What do Mummies eat?

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What do Mummies eat?
Just because their guts have been dumped into canopic jars and their brains hooked out through their noses, it doesn’t mean they don’t eat.
According these pictures on the wall, mummies eat flightless birds.
Dodos, awks, and penguins are a delicacy on the buffet to the bandaged.
This explains why awks and dodos are extinct. Completely wiped out by mummies.
As for penguins, well, the mummies ate them all except for the furthest reaches of Patagonia and the Southern Pole.
Mummies don’t do so well in cold weather, even when smothered with globs of Icy Hot.

The Bull

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Most Vikings carry an axe or a sword, but I know one who likes to bend down and charge his opponents like a bull, using the horns on his helmet as weapons.
They call him “The Bull”, oddly enough.
After years of charging and bashing into things, his face looks like a mashed up wad of yak guts, so when his longboat lost its dragon figurehead on the prow, he told his crew to lash him up there.
Not only does he look horribly menacing, but I think it’s the best washing the stinky old barbarian has had in decades.

Gold sinks

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Remember: Gold sinks and shit floats.
This bit of information will be most helpful when you swallow some gold and wait for it to pass.
My favorite prank is to tell people that I hid some gold bits in their dinner.
For the next few days, they’re all combing through their turds looking for it.
When they accuse me of pulling a prank on them, I say they must have missed the gold bits somehow.
Now, when they all come over for dinner, they pick through their dinner carefully and take tiny bites.
Just in case I do it again.

Miranda Rights

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If you want your Miranda rights, you’re going to need this fruit hat.
You’re also going to need a Brazilian band backing you.
These maracas might help.
Sure, you have the right to remain silent, but when you hear that Latin beat, you’re going to sing and dance.
Sure, call a lawyer. Just make sure he has a suit and shoes for dancing, and you can dance with him.
The cameras in the court room will be the paparazzi, and your trial will be in all the tabloids.
Anything you say will be used against you.
That’s why you’ll sing.

Birthday Gift

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I had no idea what to get Molly for her birthday.
She’s allergic to flowers and she hates chocolate.
I wandered around the gift shop until I came to the alligator isle.
Stacked up on the shelves were crocodiles of various sizes and colors.
I checked their price tags. Sure enough, they were marked as alligators.
Which are much less expensive that crocodiles.
Recognizing a bargain when I see one is my particular field of genius, so I bought out the lot.
So that’s what I got Molly for her birthday.
Please, quit screaming, and help me wrap them up.

Why do Mondays suck?

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Why do Mondays suck?
Well, in the old days, when there weren’t many people, God used to make everyone line up single-file every Sunday night.
Then, he’d walk along the line with his Sack Full of Mondays and make everyone pull their Monday out of the bag.
Some were bright and shiny, while others were squelchy and stank like a dead possum.
Over time, the line got too long, and the wait was longer than the rest of the week, so God gave up the practice. Made everyone’s Monday suck.
By the way, Joe, this coffee tastes like dead possum.

Weekly Challenge #204 – Gods

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Welcome to the Weekly Challenge Number Two Hundred and Four, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.
The topic this week was… was…. um…
It’s Gods!
VOTING

Which were the best stories this year?
Zachmann
Keeme
Ross
Anima
Steven
TJ
JRadimus
Norval Joe
Planet Z
  
Free polls from Pollhost.com

Go ahead and listen to them and then vote for your favorites (multiple selections are allowed):


Zachmann

You though the days of the gods at least gods with Small g were over but the internet has two of the strangest gods. There is this powerful god that is represented by a little blue bird. The nemesis god of the little blue bird is a giant falling whale who shows up when things don’t work. It may be Doug Adams’ falling whale but in this story is rescued by little orange birds with a big web net. They fight a god who was created to be helpful. The now evil Clippy. They also fight the evil Bonsai Buddy.

Keeme

Looking into her eyes from his side of the glass. His last words to her were “I am sorry”; She needed to believe he had changed. His back to her now, his smirk telling a different story. He whispered to the guard, “sorry I was caught”. As they strapped him to the table, everyone prayed the phone would not ring for this animal; it never did. When he rose up in his next life, he was surrounded by not just one, but by all the Gods. Each ready to take turns at removing that smirk for little Sara’s Mother.

Ross

“And why, Mr….”
“Loki”
“Yes, Mr. Loki. Why do you think you’d be suitable for the Demigod position?”
“Well, I have plenty of deity experience from my last place of employment.”
“Yes, about that – it says here in your letter of recommendation that you were… a bit of a troublemaker?”
“Well, I pulled a couple practical jokes, but I wouldn’t call that making trouble…”
“Yes, I see. And do you have anything that would prevent you from starting as early as next week?”
“Only Ragnarok.”
“Okay, thank you very much for your time, Mr. Loki. We’ll be in touch.”

Anima

The aboriginals say the gods must be crazy, giving man so much
technology. I say the gods must be delusional, to give man these soft
squishy bodies that need so much maintenance. I dream of upgrading to an
anodized steel skin, resistant to exposure and punctures; I pine for
precision gears meshing quietly instead of painful creaking popping
joints; One day, I will do wind downs instead of sit ups to stay in
shape. Oh, to raise a pint of WD40, that unctuous amber liquid, instead
of this wretched gin.
“Bartender, pour me another, and you can skip the
ice.”

Steven

We dream of immortality.
We lost it in a Garden, and sought it in a Fountain.
We look to find immortality in our children, hoping our children will
be as uncountable as the sand on a beach or the stars in the sky. We
seek immortality through art, music, books.
That will not happen. In three generations, our names will be
forgotten by our great-grandchildren, our works dust.
I teach my son my ideas. My thoughts become part of him. He will
share them throughout his life.
My ideas will spread through the world, and I will live forever.

TJ

We bring wood nymphs and sprites into our world with the fiscus in the lobby, and the banzai on the receptionist’s desk. The water nymphs bubble joyfully in the water cooler. Hermes keeps the Internet running, communicating at light speed via satellites. Thor admires the spark of his handiwork burning inside every car and truck on the road. Mars is gorging but hardly sated, while in the darkness Athena and Siva stir in Morphe’s slumber, ready to wake in a burst either of global awareness, or global destruction. Hey, monotheism may be easier, but that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s right.

JRadimus

“Thank the Gods,” sighed Marc, as he narrowly avoided a small hole.
“Give it a rest, will you?” pleaded Geoff.
“What?” asked Marc.
“All that ‘By the Gods’, ‘Thank the Gods’, ‘Gods be praised’ rubbish,” Geoff snapped. “It’s nonsense, and ridiculously pretentious. You only started it after that ‘Ancient Mythologies in Modern Times’ class. You sound like an utter knob.”
Marc scowled as Geoff finished ranting. They continued walking down the street, but silently now. Behind Geoff’s back, Marc mumbled a curse by the Gods under his breath, and Geoff fell down an open manhole.
“I hate you,” Geoff groaned.

Norval Joe

Dale scooped two large hand-fulls of clay from the reclaim barrel and slapped it down on the plaster wedging tabel. He kneaded the sloppy ooze until it was firm and consistent. He crafted a small creature with bulging eyes, pointed ears and long fangs. He carefully placed the soft clay figure with others atop the ceramic kiln.
“What’re those,” one of hte new freshmen asked?
“They’re kiln gods,” Dale said. “They protect the firing.”
“You believe that,” the kid asked?
Dale scratched his beard, smiled, and winked.
Inside the kiln, flaming twins of those above crept around the baking pottery.

Planet Z

There is a god for everything.
For a while, when man created something new, one of the existing gods would claim it.
Sun and fire.
Water and rain.
However, man created so many new things, the gods added to their numbers to govern it all.
Sometimes, man would abolish or destroy something completely, and a god would no longer need to watch over it.
Gods without responsibility lost their power, becoming vulnerable and mortal.
They’d beg to share the caseloads from overwhelmed gods, but man doesn’t work that way.
Cast out of Olympus, naked and cold.
And forever seeking revenge.

The Caves

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The hills are full of caverns.
We drew maps as we explored them.
Then, we put them in the computer and watched the image take shape.
Bobby pointed at a blank spot.
“What’s there?” he asked.
We looked over the paper maps. Nothing.
Bobby made notes, and he made it our goal.
“I bet something’s there,” Bobby said.
The passages got tighter and more dangerous. Some underwater.
Then, we came to the iron door.
No writing on it, no marks at all.
It opened.
Two glowing eyes stared at us.
The door slammed shut.
We ran, and never went back.