The Wacky Adventures Of Abraham Lincoln 77

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During the war, Abraham noticed a curious phenomenon among the embassies in Washington.
Ambassadors went from nice to rude, and then to downright ugly towards visitors.
“Why is this?” asked Lincoln of his Secretary of State.
“A nation which endures factious domestic division is exposed to disrespect abroad,” said William Seward.
“That’s fine and dandy,” said Lincoln. “But we’re not abroad.”
Seward invited the French Ambassador to visit the White House.
He did, and promptly insulted the President at first opportunity.
Lincoln kicked him in the groin and threw him out the door.
“Give my regards to Paris,” said Abe.

Weekly Challenge #46 – The Pit

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Welcome to the forty-sixth Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.
The topic this week was selected by Tom from Footnote, and it’s The Pit.
Twelve stories were submitted this week.
One rookie joined in… yay!
And, once again, some disturbing madness from Planet Z.
Go ahead and listen to them by clicking on the grammophone thingy there in the left column and then vote for your favorites (multiple selections are allowed):

Who had the best story for the Weekly Challenge #46?
The Deranged Bard From Planet Z
Chris of Platypus Society
K-Nine of Dead Dog Walking
Patti from Smittygal
Tom from Footnote
to4m from Stuffcast
Andrew from Dodgeblogium
Laieanna from HodgePodge Point
Ted from Ted’s Podcast
Lisa from Lemons and Lollipops
Elisson from blog d’Elisson
Tabitha from Strangely Literal
Terrence from Never Was
  
Free polls from Pollhost.com


WE GOTS PRIZES:
I will be sending the winner a prize… it’s a packet containing at least 1 refrigerator magnet and a CD with the archive of the entire 100 word stories podcast. (Well, minus promos and junk)
It is your voting that determines who wins. So listen, vote, and tune in next week to find out who won!


The full text of each story:
Z

My name’s Drake.
Welcome to the Iron Fortress.
Behave yourself.
Because, if you’re bad, they throw you in Solitary.
If you’ve been really bad, they throw you into The Pit.
This prison was built over… something.
A gateway to Hell? We’re not sure.
All I know is that guys come back from Solitary, but they don’t come back from The Pit.
Well, not in one piece.
Sometimes, you find a bone or a few fillings around the hole.
The warden doesn’t like it when that happens, because that means despite all the spells and seals, things can still get out.

CHRIS

Gerald ran frantically into Starbucks, right back to the corner booth he had just vacated. There, tucked in between the creases of the vinyl seat, was his journal.
“Whew!” he said.
Gerald often worried someone would read what he wrote in his journal and think he was some sort of psycho. People tend to think that only teenage girls and serial killers write in journals. Luckily, Gerald was neither.
He did keep a woman in a pit in his basement, but he had no plans to kill her. Just as long as she kept telling him that he was pretty.

K-NINE

Darkness was always descending. His soul screamed out
in abysmal loneliness. Hate, fear, loathing and
despair plucked at his very being.
The war had been terrible, brutal and metamorphic.
The destruction had been beyond belief on both sides.
The rebellion had failed and failed miserably.
He gripped his chest and hyperventilated, trying to
regain control of his sanity. Heaven was but a memory
lost. Hell was an eternal constant.
He had been beautiful once. He had been the fairest
among all the multitudes. Beauty, however, is only
skin deep. Evil is unfathomable and eternal. Lucifer
was alone in the pit.

PATTI

“Mama, you know how in the Bible, God tells Abraham to sacrifice his son?”
“Yes, Rachel.”
“What if God told you to kill me. Would you?”
“Rachel, you know we must all do as God commands.”
The little girl’s eyes filled with tears. “But -”
“We are Christians, Rachel, and there are no ‘buts’ when it comes to God. If we don’t obey Him, we will end up in eternal Hell, a pit of fire with the devil and the rest of the sinners.”
Mother tucked Rachel’s covers in, kissed her daughter and turned off the light. “Sleep tight, dear.”

TOM

Danny was lost.
The only landmark was the sideways head and those broken legs.
When Dan got close to the stone king’s head he started laughing.
“That’s not despair,” boomed a disembodied voice.
“Why should I despair?” replied Danny to the talking head.
“Well, you got a choice.
“It could be ironic or literal, depends on your point of view.”
“From my point of view you just look like a joke.”
“A joke, how’s bout the one about the guy standing over a pit?”
“How does it go?”
“In about 3 seconds.”
“wwwwwwwwwwhhhaaaaaaaaat?”
[snnniif]
“Smells like teen spirit to me”

to4m

It was the Pits. This grease pit was a pit of hell. I was up to my
pits in work. My boss with his forehead pitted with chicken pox scars
was always trying to pit us against each other to get as much out of
us as he could; like a pit viper without the venom. The place felt
like a mosh pit. I’d rather be picking peach pits or even cherry pits
for a pie. Or work in the orchestra pit. Or sweaty pitted, a hot day
in the Indy 500 pits chasing pit bulls. … hate these pits.

ANDREW

I felt something in the pit of my stomach as I stood. This site would
be Dante-esque to those who pondered that sort of thing. The humming
of all the computers filled the air in a sort of high-tech cacophony.
A short man accompanied me, “welcome to the guts. We have over 500
firms already: from data farmers to game designers to
cyber-entrepeneurs. Some stay for a few days at a time, others have
never left.”
The entire island, baring the heliport and boat ramp, was covered by
this great building.
I’d reached heaven. “I’ll take one.” I said.

LAIEANNA

“There! This one’s perfect. No one knows his business like I do. I
should venture out to new locations for selling my service. In this
day and age, I am invaluable. Bloody hell! Do you mind? I’m not
done working down here. Can’t that all wait? Maybe I’ll head east
after this job. Surely there are kingdoms there that could benefit
from my abilities. Just need proof of my expertise. Oh! Excuse me
sir, could you sign this testimonial about the quality and pain
inflicted from my skillfully crafted stakes? It’ll really help put
Pits and Sticks on the map.”

TED

In all my years on the job, I never thought I’d come up against something so awful. So disgusting. This thing.. “The Pit” as it would become known in the journals, held many horrible secrets. I had already retrieved two hubcaps, and a boat anchor. God knows what I would find next.
Elbow deep, I felt something familiar. Yes. A human hand. The cold dead flesh was unmistakable. What happened? How could such an awful thing come to pass? As I gently pulled it toward daylight, I kept asking myself one question. “Why did I have to become a proctologist?”

LISA

War-painted faces and blood-curling howls were seen and heard by the prisoners in “the pit”. Bodies were flying everywhere. Filthy and covered in sweat, she tried to ignore the screeching and the stench.
Some of the “pit-prisoners” were there because of devotion, others out of some misguided sense of duty. She was one who had regretted enlisting herself for this “tour”.
She didn’t belong here, she longed to be safe back at home.
Why had she let herself be talked into this?
A date with Kevin O’Connor was NOT worth the experience of the mosh pit at a Korn concert.

ELISSON

Harry knew Monday was going to be rough; he felt it in the pit of his stomach when he woke up.
At the bus stop, a pit bull grabbed his ankle: man pitted against beast. Fortunately, Harry won, albeit with a torn trouser leg.
On the bus, he remembered that he had neglected his deodorant. A quick armpit-whiff confirmed it. He scowled.
Working an open-pit coal mine was no picnic. After a brutal morning, Harry broke for lunch. Hummus on pita bread. A pit in his cherry pie cracked a molar.
Crap, he thought. Some days are just the pits.

TABITHA

The pit was massive. Zoe and Jayne watched as Mal descended into it using a system of ropes Kaylee, engineer extraordinary, put together.
“Cap’n?”
“Shiny Zoe, nothing to fret.” Mal, sounded more hopeful then he felt.
At the bottom of it was his trusty pistol. He couldn’t expect to leave this moon without it.
“The gun can be replaced.” Zoe called down. Jayne snarled. “No it can’t!”
Zoe’s withering stare didn’t stop Jayne from asserting, “Guns over people.”
“Some got a shovel?” Mal called up. “Think that steaming heap from last week is down here.”

TERRENCE

The flames burned and the screams echoed. After talking with his
brother he thought that he might have been a bit harsh on the
podcaster. He walked up to a man with black burnt skin flaking off of
him. Raoul didn’t know if it was good or bad that the man couldn’t
die again.
“Damn people can’t record their own stories,” the man muttered, “and
where is that damn midget.”
“He’ll be joining you soon enough,” Raoul said to him, “and apology
accepted.” Raoul paused. “You did know that you would end up in the
pits of hell eventually, right?”


Thanks to everyone for sending in their stories, and I look forward to what you’ve got to write (and say) next week.
The theme for next week’s Weekly Challenge will be posted shortly.
(In case you’re interested, I’ve settled on “Clair de Lune” as the opening music and “Moonshine” by Michael Oldfield from the Tubular Bells II album… but new theme music is coming from Guy David)

Walkabout

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When people build in virtual worlds, they tend to make assumptions about gravity and wind.
Not Arthur. “Fundamental laws like gravity need not apply,” he said.
His playing card office building and an upside-down pyramid stand out, but I notice the subtler things like a starscape that slowly shifts in impossible patterns.
Arthur’s avatar was out walking around his odd world, so I caught up with him and tried to ask him what it was all about.
No response. Just kept walking.
A day later, the paper said he’d shot himself.
They found him, head resting on the “Walk” key.

Labor Pains

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We checked the nanny’s references. Even did a Google search
She came up clean, but it turned out she was batshit crazy.
A month later, we were sitting down to a candlelight dinner at Rico’s when my cell rang.
It was a neighbor calling about the noise.
We got home just in time to stop the psycho bitch from cutting off another of our baby’s toes.
“They grow back,” the nanny shrieked. “Like a starfish!”
No, they don’t.
Two grew back. Like The Lernaean Hydra.
I flipped a coin, and my wife lost.
She cuts, and I’ll burn the stump.

Backwards

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An orderly wheeled Stuart’s corpse back into the emergency room, sliding him on to a table and putting an IV needle into his arm.
Doctors and nurses surrounded the body, alternating between chest compressions and defibrillator shocks.
A pulse…
Then… nothing.
Still dead.
The doctors worked some more and then quickly yanked the needles back out of Stuart. The nurses took units of blood down from their hooks.
They had to work quickly. Paramedics wanted to load Stuart on to a blood-soaked stretcher to catch an ambulance heading to a fatal car crash.
Yeah, that’ll revive the fucker for sure.

Magic Compass

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My magic compass doesn’t point to North.
Instead, it points to Texas.
Wherever I am, it tells me which direction Texas is in.
It’s not terribly useful as a navigation device, but it’s a great conversation piece.
“How does it work?”
“Why Texas?”
“Where did you get it?”
Not only does it point to Texas, but it also points out Texans.
When a Texan sees this thing, they can’t help but smile.
Sometimes, they whoop.
I don’t think that’s a part of the magic of the compass, though.
Compass or not, Texans tend to be annoyingly proud of their state.

The Last Drop

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When Charlie retired from the waterworks, they gave him a gold-plated watch and a cardboard box to put his stuff in.
He took everything home but a large half-empty bottle of poison, which he left in the middle of his desk.
Charlie had started every day with a fresh cup of coffee, walking to the Filtration Pump Room, and putting a drop of poison in the city’s water supply.
He figured it would toughen people up a bit in these difficult times.
Charlie also dumped his coffee into the city’s water supply, but that’s because the coffee was so bad.

The Wacky Adventures Of Abraham Lincoln 76

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General Grant handed Abraham Lincoln a telescope. “Watch our victory unfold before your eye,” he said.
Abe looked through the telescope and watched the battle rage.
“My brilliant strategy is paying off,” said Grant.
“The issues of our struggle depended on the Divine interposition and favor,” muttered Abe. “It’s all up to God now.”
God looked down at the blood-splattered battlefield and winced.
Jesus handed Him a quarter, and God flipped it. “Call it.”
“Heads,” said Jesus.
God caught the quarter mid-air and covered it.
He opened his hands, and a dove flew out.
“Damn,” said God. “Happens every time.”

Weekly Challenge #45 – The Steaming Heap

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Welcome to the forty-fifth Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.
The topic this week was selected by Elisson from Blog d’Elisson, and it’s The Steaming Heap.
Twelve stories were submitted this week.
Two rookies joined in… yay!
And, once again, some disturbing madness from Planet Z.
Go ahead and listen to them by clicking on the grammophone thingy there in the left column and then vote for your favorites (multiple selections are allowed):

Who had the best story in the Weekly Challenge #45?
Tom from Footnote
Mike from Mike Thinks
Tabitha from Strangely Literal
Lisa from Lemons and Lollipiops
Elisson of Blog d’Elisson
Terry from Never Was
Patti from Smitty Gal
Laieanna from HodgePodge Point
Ted from Ted’s Podcast
Andrew of Dodgeblogium
K-Nine of Dead Dog Walkin’
to4m
The Deranged Bard Of Planet Z
  
Free polls from Pollhost.com


WE GOTS PRIZES:
I will be sending the winner a prize… it’s a packet containing a pair of refrigerators magnet and a CD with the archive of the entire 100 word stories podcast. (Well, minus promos and junk)
It is your voting that determines who wins. So listen, vote, and tune in next week to find out who won!


The full text of each story:
TOM

There are jobs destine to go to the young.
They are physical and as a class tend
to be offensive to the orafactorial sensibilities.
Mr. Russell directed John to the shingled shed,
handed him a shovel.
“To the floor,” he said
It was dead winter but the vapors
of the steaming heap danced in the air.
Fifty years of newspapers.
Rain on peed on and pooped on.
Chemical reactions from fermentation to
fractional distillations possibly even
nuclear fission gave the heap a core temperature.
John laid shovel to its skin.
Beneath was a blacker steamer goop.
John lost his lunch

MIKE JAMES

Tom stood still, just staring. Maybe it wasn’t as bad as it seemed,
but no, he knew it would be. The chilly air made it seem even less
agreeable than usual. It was early, it was quiet, perhaps no one had
even noticed. Salvation seemed so close. Just then, Agnes’s door
opened. As she walked past Tom to her mailbox the look in her
eyes was more than enough to signal that it was too late.
Tom bent over, baggie in hand, and picked up the warm steaming heap.
He waived to Agnes, as he and His dog walked on.

TABITHA

“What is it?” Willow said, looking up at Giles.
“Dunno,” Giles adjusted his glasses, leaning in closer he made a horrible face.
“It ain’t no blooming rose garden.” Spike grumbled.
Buffy watched it cautiously. “How can I slay something like that?”
All of them stood dumbfounded while Clem chortled with glee. Finally Anya stepped in from her weekly counting of money. “Why aren’t you all buying something?”
Xander pointed at the spectacle lying on the floor of the Magic Box store.
Anya looked at it, then shrugged. “You humans always impressed by a steaming pile of demon excrement.”

LISA

Marcel had aspirations to play on the varsity hockey team, but the only position he made the cut for was waterboy. Disappointed, but wanting desperately to be part of the team, he took his duties seriously. He always arrived early for each game and was last to leave, cleaning up after everyone.
When Marcel didn’t come home by 10:30, his family became concerned. By midnight, they called the police. A school-wide search began and the dogs were brought in. They were able to sniff out poor Marcel, who was found knocked unconscious under the still-steaming heap of putrid hockey gear.

ELISSON

“It’s been years now, but I’ll never forget when we tried to rescue Ann from that giant ape.
“A bunch of us came along with Driscoll. He had seen Kong grab Ann and knew we had no time to lose.
“Skull Island? Horrible. Dinosaurs, swamps, and a ravine fulla giant bugs! I still get the sweats thinking about it.
“Anyhow, it was pretty easy to track that monkey. Every couple hundred yards, there’d be a steaming heap of Ape-Shit.
“But when we saw the blond hair in that last heap – why, that’s when we turned around and went home.”

TERRENCE

“What is that?” The cloaked figure said.
“What?” Raoul looked up at his brother on the ashen horse.
“The steaming heap,” The figure raised a thin arm and pointed behind Raoul.
Innocently Raoul looked over his shoulder at the unidentifiable mass a
short distance behind him. He turned back to his brother and
shrugged.
“I do not have the time for this.” He checked the list in his hand.
“So what did this Simon do?”
“Not returning emails, misspelling names.”
“And what is that thing?” Raoul turned again.
“That?” Raoul smiled. “Is a former sex slave midget, dancing with joy.”

PATTI

Joel knew his arm was broken, badly; shock was setting in.
“Broken … arm,” he mumbled to the Emergency Room clerk.
“Have a seat; we’ll call you,” she said.
Pulling up his sleeve, he shoved his mangled arm inches from the clerk’s face. The fractured bones overlapped each other beneath the skin, shortening his arm by at least four inches and giving it a “Z” shape.
“Look at this shit,” he yelled, “I’ll be seen RIGHT FUCKING NOW!” And he collapsed.
They found him covered in a steaming heap of the clerk’s vomit; it was her first and last day in the ER.

LAIEANNA

It worked! When a steaming heap of…well, no need to be graphic,
poured out of his mouth, I wanted to puke. He was so freaked out. He
wouldn’t stop babbling and more stuff plopped onto his clothes. I
laughed, but a small part of me felt guilty. I left for awhile and
when I returned he was still talking to himself. The smell was
overwhelming. I handed him a sign language book. Now that the curse
had taken place, I figured he needed to find a new way to spew his
shit when he’s hitting on women in the bar.

TED

The medical examiner was silent. I still say he was a loss for words. There is absolutely NO excuse for any human being to morph into what he saw here before him.
She lay before him, bloated and stinky. What was once the American dream, the desire of most red blooded American males, now was nothing more than worm food. Let the worms have their way with her.
Drugs, alcohol, old men, internet porn.. It was obvious that she had indulged in them all,. Here she was, cold and dead, a steaming heap of goo..
We’ll miss you, Anna Nicole.

DODGE

The steaming pile filled the air that not only smelled of excrement,
rubbish and braken but left a taste in one’s mouth that was foul just
by standing near it.
The policeman who stood next to me could barely keep is dour face
straight. To open his mouth to speak to me was to gag.
I was here to see the bloated shape that lay below us the body look
humanoid, the large head and obviously webbed hands & feet saw to
that.
A creature of fiction lay there…in reality. The proximity to my flat
worried me intensely…they knew me…

K-NINE

Colonel Stratton was a cavalry officer first and
foremost. He rode a gallant steed all across France
in the First World War. The Army was his life, but
here in Europe during the latest global conflict, he
was starting to hate the changes of the last twenty
five years.
Once, he had ridden his horse through thick woods,
through muddy fields of bogged down artillery.
He stared at the broken broom handle that pierced the
radiator of his Jeep, the engine sputtered, and he did
the only thing an old horse soldier knew to do. He
shot the steaming heap.

to4m

Superbowl Sunday. The Guys would be there soon . I had to get the
yard work finished although it was freezing cold outside. I quietly
resented my teenage boy staying late getting high. He should’ve been
the one out there in the cold.. When brought it up to the wife she’d
say I was being too harsh on the boy. I found myself working my anger
out in the yard work. Especially with the wood chipper that is until
I slipped and as I had my first and last out of body experience I
saw a steaming heap of me.

Z

Linda looked at the menu and pointed at “The Steaming Heap.”
“It sounds like it’s describing… well, a pile of fresh horse crap,” she said to the waiter.
“It’s dumplings,” said the waiter.
“Oh, okay,” she said. “I guess I’ll have those.”
Fifteen minutes later, the waiter brought out a platter with a steaming heap of fresh dumplings.
“Enjoy,” he told her.
Linda speared one with a fork, tipped it into the bowl of ginger-and-soy dip, and took a bite.
She swallowed it before she realized the flavor in her mouth was, indeed, steamed horse crap. (With ginger and soy.)


Thanks to everyone for sending in their stories, and I look forward to what you’ve got to write (and say) next week.
The theme for next week’s Weekly Challenge will be posted shortly.
(In case you’re interested, I’ve settled on “Clair de Lune” as the opening music and “Moonshine” by Michael Oldfield from the Tubular Bells II album.)

Goliath’s Fall

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It was the final battle.
For all the shekels.
Goliath never knew what hit him, that dumb son of a bitch.
One moment, he was waving his war club around and rallying the troops.
All of the sudden, a rock hits him in the skull.
The giant didn’t even say “OUCH!”
His eyes took on that thousand-cubit stare and he toppled like a broken column.
A minute later, his lieutenant arrived, breathlessly apologizing to his commander for his tardiness.
“You really should keep your pack mule better organized,” he muttered. “It took me forever to find your helmet.”
“Sir? Sir?”