Pink Slip

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Betsy stared at the severance check and wept.
“Is this all I’m worth to you now?” she asked her boss.
“Come on Betsy,” said her boss. “You knew this was coming ever since they invented email.”
“But it was such a good gig,” said Betsy.
“Was… was a good gig,” the boss emphasized. “Nobody wants singing telegrams anymore.”
“I still get fan letters,” she said.
“But not new orders,” said her boss. “I’m sorry, but it’s either let you go or shut things down.”
He let Betsy keep her feather boa, the same one she’d been using for 60 years.

Payback’s a Colossal Bitch

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Lady Liberty wanted to weep as she watched the towers burn.
Later that night, she pried loose the Emma Lazarus poem at her feet and read it for the first time.
Disgusted, she tossed it into the harbor.
“Go somewhere else, huddled masses,” she grumbled. “Pollute someone else’s shore.”
After careful thought, she decided to keep the torch and book.
The torch came in handy for seeing threats at night.
The book was great for whomping them.
After a few assaults on passing ships, the government shut the island down for “Security reasons.”
Eventually, she slept, and the tourists returned.

Feng Shui

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I did a search for 100 word stories out on the net and found Alan P. Scott, a fellow fan of HWRNMNBSOL. Here’s the first of three stories he’s generously contributed to the podcast for your enjoyment…

My cubicle has the best feng shui in the office. Everybody says so. The monitor is angled just right to repel demons, and little strips of black tape tell me where my pens and pencils go for optimum efficiency.
The only problem is, it’s not working. I have been passed up for promotion *three times*, each time beaten by a cheerful slob with a messy desk. It’s not fair.
Master Yap is willing to provide one more consultation. I know now what I must do.
No more desk. No more chair. I sit on the mat and wait for promotion.

The Wacky Adventures Of Abraham Lincoln 70

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Abraham Lincoln stood before the prisoners of war and scowled. “You Virginians shed barrels of perspiration while standing off at a distance and superintending the work your slaves do for you,” he said.
“So?” said a Virginian soldier. “What of it?”
Abe walked up to the soldier and whispered in his ear: “How do stay smelling so fresh?”
“We cover ourselves with pumpkin pie,” said the soldier.
Abe leaned in close, took a whiff, and then licked the neck of the soldier.
“It is,” he said. “Delicious!”
For the rest of his days, Lincoln covered himself with fresh pumpkin pie.

Weekly Challenge #39 – Illegal Parking

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Welcome to the thirty-ninth Weekly Challenge, where I post a topic and then challenge you to come up with a 100 word story based on that topic.
The topic this week was supposed to be selected by Laieanna from Hodgepodge Point, and it’s illegal parking.
Eleven stories were submitted this week. Double digits!
Quite a few rookies joined in… yay!
And, once again, some disturbing madness from Planet Z.
Go ahead and listen to them by clicking on the grammophone thingy there in the left column and then vote for your favorites (multiple selections are allowed):

Who had the best story for the 39th Weekly Challenge?
Mark
Kelly Burt from Come Let Me Whisper
Randy Burt from Come Let Me Whisper
Caleb from Black Tie Martini Club
Tom from Footnote
Laieanna at Hodgepodge Point
Andrew from Dodgeblogium
Ted
Elisson from blog d’Elisson
Russel Burt from Come Let Me Whisper
b
The Twisted Bard From Planet Z
  
Free polls from Pollhost.com


WE GOTS PRIZES:
I will be sending the winner a prize… I still haven’t decided what it will be, but I will be sending them one.
It is your voting that determines who wins. So listen, vote, and tune in next week to find out who won!

The full text of each story:
Kelly Burt

Pete had the night planned.
Dinner: check
Dessert: check
Moonlight drive: check
He chose the spot carefully, no homes, no traffic.
Pete had his girl–and a large backseat. He stopped the car.
“So, Pete, what are we doing?” Joan cooed.
“Well, I can’t stand the thought of this evening ending.” Pete replied.
“I understand,” said Joan.
Pete thought, “This is it. I’ve got her.”
But as quickly as he had it, it was gone.
As he slid his hand towards her seatbelt, Joan pulled her badge and stated, “Pete, I’m going to have to cite you for illegal parking.”

Randy Burt

“Park here. I’ll fake a limp.” Jessica barked.
Graham pulled into the blue-lined space in front of the couture boutique and scurried to open the passenger door.
Jessica popped off the seat of the Hummer and onto the ground. The jolt provided just enough space for her darling “Poopsy” to wiggle away.
She gasped, made a concerted effort to shove Graham out of the way, and chased the Chihuahua to the back of the truck..
Poopsy narrowly avoided the Prius that plowed into Jessica sending her Starbucks cup sailing and assuring that she’d never get an ‘illegal parking’ ticket again.

Mark M

The driver spun the wheel, the car slipping on the curving road. He stole a glance into the backseat. He had to hurry.
“There it is!” he yelped.
With one last turn of the wheel, he spun the car into a sideways slide. It jumped onto the cabin porch, smashing carved wooden benches, then skidded to a stop.
The cabin door swung open, banging against the wall. The Ranger rushed out.
“Are you crazy? Driving like that?! And you can’t park here!” the ranger exclaimed.
The driver leaped from the car. “I found this eagle – he’s hurt… maybe ill.”

Caleb

Hey do you sell any maps? I’ve been driving around these backwoods here for hours and I’m completely lost!
Is that your car there?
Who else’s car would it be of course it’s mine!
You ought not park it there.
Why?!? Is there a meter there I didn’t see?
No but…
Am I too close to some intersection?
No but there’s…
Am I on private property?
No but…
Well then if I’m not parked illegally in any way, why can’t I park there?
Well…
What the hell was that?!?
Satellite crash, I told you you ought not park it there.

Tom

Zackz Efrom Paroeshad was
the greatest engineer in the 20 planet consortium.
When outer ring representatives lobby for solar equity
Paroeshad answered with the binary purchase.
Using tackyon streams of
real time and historic nano matter
he had move the second infant sun
3/4 the distance to their system.
Paroeshad knew letting the baby sun sit
in Varsic space would have ramifications.
He was not surprised by the arrival
of the vermilion dispatch.
Without breaking the seal
he opened his ledger.
The fine was always the same,
700 pentillion lidens.
Zackz drew a line through item 23.
Illegal parking.

Laieanna

The car was rented under a pseudo name and off he drove. Five streets over and three lights down, he pulled into an illegal parking spot and parked. Putting on CHIPs sunglasses, a shaggy blonde wig and matching mustache, he waited out his nemesis, watching the clock and smiling to himself. The driver pulled in behind the rental car and glared hatefully through the window. With no other options, they parked and opened the door. There were cheers all around. Before he would pull his vehicle out of the way, Laurence was sure to give bus number 9 the finger.

Andrew

I was being accused of illegal parking by a rather aggressive Nigerian meter-fascist. He was one of those that didn’t understand the concept of personal space. Good oral hygiene seemed to be culturally foreign to the man as well.
I didn’t rise to his aggression.
“You must respect my authority,” he exclaimed, backing away from my glare. He began to backpeddle in an almost panic.
I was about to say, “mind the road” just before he was mowed down by a council lorry.
His body was catapulted over the bonnet and landed in the back with all the rubbish.

Ted

The verdict was in.. He was banned from the park field for life, and boy was he pissed! He deserved better than this! He was, after all, an Eagle! Better than those low life seagulls who had ousted him in a unanimous vote. They were jealous!
He used to rule the park! And they lied about him! They said he would spread disease, just to make the others hate him! He wasn’t sick. His puny subjects had retaliated in the worst way!
Now, never to enter his domain again, he would always be know as.. The ILL Eagle, Park King.

Elisson

By the year 2032, advances in medical technology had made organ transplantation practically foolproof.
No longer did patients take anti-rejection drugs for a lifetime, waiting for their new organs to fail. One shot was all it took. Everything but the brain could be transplanted; lifespans of 135 years became common.
Only problem was, not enough raw material. Cloning might’ve helped, but the religious right killed that possibility. Then came the Anticrime Omnibus Bill of 2037.
All of which explains why Stewart, who had just received his third parking ticket, was headed for the organ banks.
Fucking parking meters, he thought.

Russell Burt

When the aliens landed, we followed their command to “take us to your leader.” We decided that they probably meant the mayor of our little town. The meeting went extremely well, and the aliens walked out of the mayor’s office promising that on their next visit they would bring back a fuel source that would ensure there was never an energy crisis on Earth again. Then they returned to their ship to find that they had been ticketed for parking in front of a hydrant. They hopped aboard, charged up their laser cannons, and burned the town to the ground.

b

Fran couldn’t believe she’d gotten a ticket for smoking a cigarette, inside her own car, while parked within 10,000 feet of a school.
Heck, just last week they passed a law saying that if you walk around your house naked in front of your own children that’s pornography and worth 30 days in jail.
Damn those ‘protect the children’ groups!
You can’t do anything anymore!
“Illegal parking, huh? How much is that?”
” I’m sorry ma’am. I’m gonna have to give you another ticket.”
“For what?”
“You should have said ‘undocumented’. It’s against the law to use the word ‘illegal’.”

Z

The Autobots took a while to adjust to earth culture.
Bumblebee pulled by the side of the road, took a nap, and woke up with an odd metal disc attached to his tire.
“What’s this?” he asked the police officer who was sticking a slip of paper under his wiper.
“It’s a boot,” said the officer. “You parked in front of a fire hydrant.”
Bumblebee transformed, crumbled up the ticket, and pulled out his laser rifle.
Ratchet’s still trying to reattach his foot.
The Decepticons adjusted easily to earth culture: they just blew shit up and killed people.

Thanks to everyone for sending in their stories, and I look forward to what you’ve got to write (and say) next week.
The theme for next week’s Weekly Challenge will be posted shortly.
(In case you’re interested, I’ve settled on “Clair de Lune” as the opening music and “Moonshine” by Michael Oldfield from the Tubular Bells II album.)

Down The Turtle Hole

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Sitting on the riverbank, Alice watched as the muttering turtle slowly pulled the pocketwatch from his shell and looked at the time.
“I’m… late….”
Alice walked over to the turtle and examined its curious markings.
“Why, his shell looks like a waistcoat,” she giggled.
“Stop… or…”
Alice’s sister knew a good turtle soup recipe, and by noon, they had the stew-pot boiling.
“So delicious it was,” they all said.
Alice checked the pocketwatch… still not time to go home yet.
She rested her head on a blanket and had herself a pleasant nap, totally lacking in chessboard and playingcard nightmares.

Volunteered

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Let’s not bullshit.
My kid needs your heart. Soon. We’re not sure how long he can hold on.
We’re not sure how long you can hold on, either.
Doctor says that you signed your organ donor card and didn’t want to be kept on life support, but your family trumped your wishes.
I’ve offered them money. They won’t take it.
Do I need to kill them, or just one to set an example and make them sign the forms?
I wish we could have met under better circumstances.
But for my kid’s sake, I’m still glad I ran you over.

Revenge Nog

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Edwin clutched his chest, wheezing what might have been words.
Iris wasn’t listening. She was just watching him, waiting for him to die.
He saw her emptying his pill case into the toilet, and his eyes went from surprise to anger.
For a moment, Iris considered calling 911.
She rubbed her arm where he’d last burned her, and decided to wait just a little longer.
Edwin had just enough fight left in him to get up from the chair and lunge at her.
She stepped back.
Some plastic surgery for the scars.
Yeah, that would be her gift to herself.

The Passion of the Bullfrog

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In church, Arthur tries to behave.
It’s not easy, though.
He watches a woman in the next pew. She is holding a box, and sweating bullets. A green, webbed foot pokes out of the box, and the woman quickly snaps the lid back down.
“Ribbit,” says the box. “Ribbit ribbit.”
No time to lose!
“Bullfrog!” he shouts, and he grabs for the box. The entire congregation heads for the exits, and the priest ducks behind the pulpit.
For the next five minutes, he stomps the box flat.
When the police finally arrive, he tips his hat and walks out proudly.

Keepaway

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Arthur is home.
His two kids, Jenny and Jack, play Keep Away with the dog. The dog runs back and forth between them, panting heavily. Eventually, the dog clutches his furry little chest and drops dead from a heart attack.
The kids keep playing Keep Away, because they so rarely get to do it with a severed human head.
Arthur watches them through his front window. He takes it with him everywhere, just for these moments.
He wishes their mother could be here, but then, in a way, she is.
He wonders where the rest of her body is stashed.