Tag: sick

She’s Hot

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Yeah, Janey’s hot compared to these other ugly, repulsive circus freaks.
But I think you need to know the whole story.
Did you notice that her profile says she likes cigarettes, but she says she’s a non-smoker?
Want to know why?
She uses them to burn herself. She’s got a whole bunch of scars on her arms.
That’s why her photo shows her wearing long sleeves.
There’s only one thing she likes more than burning herself with cigarettes.
Being held down by someone else while they burn her.
So, want her number, or would you rather date the fat chick?

The Witch Doctor

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I carried Bobby’s mangled corpse to the Witch Doctor, begging him to do something.
“Sure,” said the Witch Doctor. “Stand back.”
I stepped back and watched the Witch Doctor mix up various ingredients in a gigantic boiling pot.
He poured out the contents on the broken body and chanted some kind of magic spell.
An hour later, Bobby’s wounds were healed and broken bones were straightened.
Good as new. Almost.
“He’s not moving,” I said. “Is he alive?”
“Alive?” asked the Witch Doctor. “I’m sorry. I thought you were from the morticians’. You want this one alive? Man, you’re fucked.”

Eat You Up

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“You’re so cute, I could just eat you up,” said Ben to Vicki. “So I will.”
Then he beat her skull in with a hammer.
Not even a scream. One minute, she was staring up at him, and then next she was a bloody heap on the floor.
Ben made the rookie mistake of freezing her before cutting her up. Everybody knows that you should cut up your meat fresh and then freeze it.
Okay, maybe not everybody, but Ben should have done his homework before bashing in Vicki’s brains.
In the end, she was only good for soup stock.

Kayak

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The starter’s pistol goes off, and we all rush to the freshest graves with our shovels.
Dig up the coffin, haul it to the take, and paddle to the other side.
Welcome to Morgantown’s Coffin Kayak Race.
Ever try it? You’ll learn quickly why funerals use six pallbearers.
Will it float? This is when the cheaper coffins are better, although if you end up with a really cheap or old coffin, you’ll take on water and go down fast.
Billy won last year, but he caught pneumonia and died after the race.
There’s his grave.
He’ll make a fine copilot.

Paddling To Redemption

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They say that if you stand out in the rain on Redemption Island, all of your troubles will be washed away.
Lord, we’ve got troubles.
So we checked the forecast, borrowed a boat from the factory, and paddled to Redemption.
There was nothing on the island but sand and metal blobs.
“Are we supposed to be naked when it rains?” asked Chloe.
Nobody knew.
The sky grew dark, and the rain began.
“It tingles!” giggled Chloe.
Then the sulfuric acid kicked in, and it started to burn.
Everybody else screamed, but I was laughing.
Troubles, flesh – what’s the difference?

Biggest Fan

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Hundreds of millions of people adore Guitarman’s music, and every one of them claim to be “Guitarman’s Biggest Fan.”
You see, that’s the title track of his number one album: “Guitarman’s Biggest Fan.”
Would they swallow a snake for him? Hell yes.
Would they jump off of cliff for him? Oh, hell yes.
Some of Guitarman’s fans take the title literally and eat themselves into a bodymass competition.
They keep score online, constantly updating their weight.
Wait… Two-Ton Tommy’s gone? Dead?
Heart attack. The funeral’s Sunday.
That puts me in second place, Mom. Second place!
Pass the mashed potatoes.
Please?

Prison For Life

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Seventy years ago, Allistar Muggs had been sentenced to life in prison without parole.
Turns out he’d sold his soul to The Devil so he could live forever.
Nobody believed him at first, but Allistar didn’t age a day as the years passed by. Nor did the increasingly brutal assassination attempts ever succeed.
He always seemed to heal up without so much as a scar, missing tooth, or torn-off finger. He’d wake up the next morning, same as the day they gave him a number to wear.
We sealed the freak in concrete and buried him in the prison yard.

Gus

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When I was little, I had an imaginary friend.
Gus wasn’t another kid or a cowboy or a dragon or an astronaut.
Gus was a fireman.
Over the years, I made real friends, so I didn’t need an imaginary one anymore.
Gus became sad and slowly disappeared.
Last night, I lost control of my car and rammed into a tree.
The last thing I remember was the door being ripped from my car and Gus reaching in to pull me out.
“Thank you, Gus,” I said.
When I came to in the hospital, Gus was gone.
So were my legs.

Goodnight, Bum

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After my daughter died and my wife left me, I missed a lot of things I had taken for granted.
The thing I missed most of all was reading bedtime stories.
I knew the stories by heart, we all do. But there’s something special about opening a book and reading aloud.
It’s not just the pictures. It’s something about that book. Holding it up while you’re sitting at the foot of the bed, nightlight’s on, covers pulled up.
Now, I go out into the city’s alleys and read bedtime stories to the homeless.
It’s not the same. Certainly smells worse.

Chicken’s Soup

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Wally’s pet chicken was sick. Wally hated to see his chicken sick, so he took him to the vet.
“Is my chicken gonna be okay?” asked Wally.
The vet said that the chicken would be fine. The little clucker just needed rest, that’s all.
Wally thought back and remembered what his grandmother used to say:
“Bed rest,” she’d say. “And chicken soup.”
Wally thought for a moment. If a person is sick and needs chicken soup, would a sick chicken need person soup?
He put his foot on the cutting board, reached for a knife.
What’s a toe between friends?