Usually, a couple going through a divorce will fight bitterly over custody of the kids, and Fred and Mary were no different.
“I don’t want them!” yelled Mary. “You take them!”
“Hell no!” shouted Fred back. “I said abort them both times, but you insisted on keeping them!”
They kept this up for days. The lawyers tried to help, but the unhappy couple just got louder.
Then, the fighting abruptly stopped. Fred and Mary nodded at each other, and both walked out of the conference room.
And never returned.
The lawyers ended up raising the kids.
God help us all.
Tag: crime
Penny Saved
Benjamin Franklin said that a penny saved is a penny earned, but these days a penny is close to worthless.
However, if you save a lot of pennies, you could roll them up and exchange them for a few bucks.
The most I ever saved up at once was thirty bucks, and that had been kinda heavy.
Instead of wasting all that effort, I now stick a pound of pennies in a sock, and then whallop people on the head with them.
The most I’ve gotten that way was two hundred bucks from a guy coming out of the bank.
Candy Ass
We used to call Candace Winters “Candy Ass” back in grade school.
It wasn’t because she was any kind of weakling. She was huge and strong. The ultimate girl jock.
No, she got the name because every time she’d win anything, she sit on the loser’s face and shout “KISS MY ASS LIKE IT’S CANDY!”
The school didn’t stop her bullying because she filled the trophy case by the principal’s office.
Then, one day, the PA system announced:
“Candace Williams to the principal’s office.”
Everyone gasped.
It was just the school paper wanting to photograph her standing by her trophies.
Pray For Them
Sometimes, people ask for me to pray for them.
I don’t pray.
If the invisible man in the sky needs for me to put my hands together to tell him what shit in the world needs fixing, fuck him.
He’s an idiot for not knowing, a pathetic sack of shit for not being able to do anything about it, or an asshole for not wanting to do anything about it.
And I’m certainly not going to thank him for all the blessings, either. Because whatever he doesn’t take away through death or entropy, the government takes away through taxes.
Amen.
Captain Proton
I’m sorry, but there is no Captain Proton. I just made him up.
So, you can stop shouting for help. Oh, and please turn off the Proton Signal. You’re just wasting electricity.
I mean, it’s not that we don’t need a hero to save us every now and then, but for a while, we were doing okay when there was just the idea of one, right?
People treated each other nicer. Arch-criminals laid off the worst capers.
Things were going good.
Until people actually wanted Captain Proton to show up.
Now, things are worse than before.
Try to explain that.
The Duke
We found bullets, knives, and poison in the old duke’s body. Each was the weapon of choice of one of his sons:
Heinrich, the eldest, was proficient with a gun.
Brutus was an expert with the blade.
And Claus, the youngest, preferred to work with toxins.
So it was a surprise to all when the judge ordered Hilda, the Duke’s daughter, to be executed.
“She shot, stabbed, and poisoned him to implicate her brothers,” said the judge. “Take her away.”
The sons laughed as they threw their sister from the tower to her death.
She landed on the corrupt judge.
Crash
Despite the fact that Lieutenant Martin has horrible vision, he is the son of General Martin, so his application to Flight School was approved.
From day one, Junior’s been a bigger threat to our country’s air defenses than any foreign enemy.
He isn’t very good at landings, as you can see from this report on destroyed assets and casualties, but he does show an aptitude for packing and using his parachute, because it has deployed every time.
We’ll resolve this by sabotaging the ejection seat in his next solo flight.
Just hope that he doesn’t crash into your office building.
My New Phone
The online store said that it would take 2 weeks to ship my new phone, but it arrived the next day, wrapped in butcher’s paper and bearing a hastily-scribbled label.
Inside the box, the phone was almost perfect, even if the cables and headset were sloppily wound-up.
There was also a note from my Secret Admirer, telling me I deserved the phone more than the guy she’d killed and taken it from.
Her number was in the address book.
“Call me.”
Instead, I called the police.
What if she admires someone else who wants a phone even more than me?
Statistics
You know how statistics show that a gun kept in the home is 43 times more likely to be used on a member of the household than to be used in self-defense?
My cousin Fred lost his job a year ago. Since then, instead of searching for a job, he’s been on my couch, watching TV and stinking up the place.
Doesn’t help with the chores, either.
I can’t argue with statistics, so I shot him. 43 times.
Of course, I said it was in self-defense.
(Because you can’t clean a gun and have it go off 43 times accidentally.)
Addict
When you’re an addict in Vegas, you need to be a little bit more specific about “going to see your dealer.”
Are you looking to score some coke or heroin, or do you have a table at the casino?
Maybe your dealer is your dealer, and you’re scoring drugs at the table.
This is a really dumb thing to do, because there’s the pit boss, watching over everything, and the cameras watching what they don’t spot.
It’s one thing to comp a customer free drinks, as long as the cash goes to the casino, and not into the dealer’s pocket.