Tag: myth

Labor Pains

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We checked the nanny’s references. Even did a Google search
She came up clean, but it turned out she was batshit crazy.
A month later, we were sitting down to a candlelight dinner at Rico’s when my cell rang.
It was a neighbor calling about the noise.
We got home just in time to stop the psycho bitch from cutting off another of our baby’s toes.
“They grow back,” the nanny shrieked. “Like a starfish!”
No, they don’t.
Two grew back. Like The Lernaean Hydra.
I flipped a coin, and my wife lost.
She cuts, and I’ll burn the stump.

This is the dawning of the Age Of Doug

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Zeus chewed on his mashed potatoes in the Old Gods Home and groaned.
“Mashed potatoes?” said Zeus. “In the old days, I drank Ambrosia and hurled thunderbolts!”
Zeus reached into his Depends, pulled out some lightning, and weakly hefted it over his shoulder.
He wobbled and stabbed an orderly in the chest, mortally wounding him.
“Doug,” said Zeus, sputtering mashed potatoes. “I’m so sorry. I just wanted…”
Doug wheezed and gasped, slowly dying.
“I’ll place you in the heavens,” wept Zeus. “Forever with the stars.”
The Old Gods Home posted an ad for Doug’s replacement: “Good pay, great retirement benefits.”

The Lever

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For Archimedes’ birthday, we all chipped in and got him a lever.
“Is it long enough to move the world?” we asked him.
“It’s looks long enough,” he said, holding it in his hands. “Let’s find out.”
Archimedes put it down, spat into his hands, and rubbed them together. Then, he picked the lever back up and began to dig it into the ground with all of his might.
“Can you feel the world moving?” asked Archimedes.
Just then, an earthquake struck Athens. Many were killed.
For the safety of all, the lever was melted down into various homoerotic trinkets.

Sol de Loco

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Luis and Hector were waxing the Camaro when Apollo The Sun God showed up.
“I need a favor,” he said. “My chariot’s in the shop. Can you pull the sun across the sky today?”
Luis and Hector looked at the Sun God, looked at each other, and then high-fived.
“Nothing fancy, okay?” said Apollo.
“Sure thing, Mister,” said Luis. Hector nodded.
Sometime around Noon, the Camaro’s rear end burst into flames.
Apollo watched the Camaro, the Sun, and the two volunteers fall from the sky.
“I guess they didn’t use a second layer of wax,” said Apollo. “Just like Icarus.”

Heaven 101

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The first few months in Heaven are anything but. It’s an Eternity when you’re in Halo Manners 101, learning the proper brightness, angle, circumference, and elevation of your halo.
Then there’s Flying School. You might think you’ve been flying forever, but they still need to teach you the Rules Of The Sky.
Unless you played a Lyre during your mortal days, not only do you get to learn fingering and strumming technique for a year, but also have to master tuning the darn thing.
Here in Hell, once you have your horns and pitchfork, you’re on your own.
Happy hunting!

Hedges

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Every day I wake up, I put on my robe and head for the center of the hedgemaze where servants have placed my medicine.
You’d think I could navigate in my sleep by now, but the hedges are mounted on special tracks of my own design, allowing them to be rearranged into new configurations and challenges.
Lawson the Mazemaster waits in the middle, sipping tea and reading my papers. The sooner I solve his creation, the less of my crosswords he’ll finish.
My butler hands me a sword. “Five minotaurs today,” he says.
Ah, medicine and exercise. My quest begins!

Old Man Winter

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On the last day of Winter, Old Man Winter loads up his magical ice sled and tours his Winter Wonderland for the final time.
A team of gigantic penguins pulls the mighty icicle chariot through the sky, and Old Man Winter scowls through his frosty beard at the melting snow.
Northern zephyrs rush past his ears, roaring their last.
That’s when he hears the siren.
It’s the cops. He is pulled over. Driving the ice sled drunk again.
Old Man Winter will spend the next three seasons in jail, but he always breaks free when Autumn comes to a close.

Trinkets

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The ancient Indian closed his eyes and hissed a curse:
The land, it hates you. It trembles with rage, shaking under your accursed White Man’s feet, wishing it could swallow you whole and spit you out in Hell.
Those maps in your wicked hand will not guide you. The land will twist and writhe like The Snake Spirit, sending you to your doom.
I looked at the trinkets on his table again.
“Okay, twenty bucks for the necklace,” I said.
“Thirty,” said the Indian.
“Twenty-five?”
The Indian smiled. “Sold,” he said. “And you’re lost because your map is upside down.”

Searching

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I don’t know which came first: Diogenes going blind or the poor old fool running out of oil in his lamp.
He’s stumbling around the back alleys, still searching for an honest man. All these years, he has yet to find one.
Yes, he’s asked me if I’m honest. Who hasn’t he?
I’ve responded “I don’t think I’m a totally honest person, but I try my best.”
Diogenes would chuckle and say “I believe you’re right. Keep up the good work.”
It is sad that he’s blind, because all it would take now is a mirror to end his quest.

Kerkopedes

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A long time ago, I remember my father showing me the place mat at the Chinese restaurant, printed with the stylized depictions of various animals, and saying that the Chinese Zodiac was how the Chinese government was run.
“Since they’re Communists,” he said, “the people run the country. When your year in the Zodiac comes up, you take office.”
“Sort of like jury duty?” I asked.
“In a way,” he said.
I looked at the animals… roosters, dragons, sheep, monkeys…
“Monkeys ruling China?” I asked. “What about the worl-”
That’s when our order arrived.
I never did get an answer.