I broke my elbow
One week in the hospital
One week rest
work release in hand
light duties only
welcome back
I sat down at my desk
A pillow to my left
To lay my braced left arm upon
And I wrote
And wrote
And wrote
after 7 hours work
I crawled home exhausted
took off the brace to
lay on my back on the sofa
arm on a pillow across my chest
slowly moving my wrist
and fingers
and i realized
this must be how it feels
after a long day
to take off your bra
and just breathe
Tag: work
Drooling
My job is to write technical documentation.
Because we have so many global customers, I need to write in a manner that makes it easy for translation engines to translate my documentation into many languages.
To help me, I bought a Global English style guide.
The more I use it, the more I realize that I have poor grammar and write in rambling sentences that translation engines choke on, spewing out confusing nonsense.
This is turning me into a neurotic drooling mess, unable to communicate.
Wait. Am I drooling?
Oh my God! Please don’t let my last word be “drooling!”
Post-Lunch Coma
The company I work for provides a catered lunch every day.
I thought this would impact my productivity, because the lunch selections are heavy fare and cause the staff to fall into “post-lunch comas.”
“Not so,” says management. “This is a deliberate strategy. You see, before we provided lunch, employees had been making their dumbest mistakes around noon. Now, by us providing a heavy lunch, everybody ends up in a groggy state together. Instead of making dumb mistakes, employees nap. Then, once they wake up from their stupor, they’re good to go.”
And all ready to make smart mistakes.
Keyboard Error
In high school, we used Macintoshes. We learned how to use a mouse and copy-paste things in word processors.
There were Macs in college, too. I got quite handy with the fan key and X for cut, C for copy, and so on.
My first job was in a Windows shop. The Control key did the commands.
For almost 20 years, I’ve been using Windows and Control-C for copy, Control-V for paste.
Now, I’m in a Mac shop. It’s fan-C for copy.
I am trying, but I keep hitting the wrong keys.
At least my head hits the desk correctly.
Bed Bath and Be A Good Worker Bee
I started a new job recently. It is in an office building next to a Bed Bath and Beyond.
Despite the high prices, we get a lot of coupons for them in the mail.
This means I can pick up decorations and stuff for my new desk while getting things for home.
However, I need to be careful that I don’t mix them up.
Although I’m sure some of my coworkers could use some time with a loofah and lavender body wash, and I’m certain the cats would really like to have another desk lamp to knock over and break.
That’s the way the tooth crumbles
While eating a Greek salad and some meatballs, the back of one of my teeth started to crumble apart.
I knew this day would come eventually. My teeth and gums have always been a problem, no matter how much I brush and floss.
I thought I was covered for these things, but my old job killed my insurance last week instead of next month. I’ll be paying out-of-pocket, and then have to file a claim when the COBRA kicks in.
The dental appointment is tomorrow, but for now, I’ll go to the corner store for gum.
To patch the hole.
Ramen
College costs a fortune.
My student job doesn’t pay very much, but it helps.
So, I end up eating a lot of those awful ramen noodles.
They’re totally disgusting, but it’s either them, or no school.
I can’t afford the dorms, so I live in a hut made from noodles.
Clothes? Goodwill won’t sell to a college student like me.
Yep. I wear ramen noodles.
Pretty much my whole life is noodles.
But when I graduate, I plan on never eating or wearing them again.
I will invent a new cheap food. And become filthy, stinking rich.
Until then… noodles.
Rico
No matter how much the equipment improves, some guys still don’t make it.
We hang their helmets on the wall at Jimmy’s Bar. It’s tradition to tap each of the helmets on the way to the toilet.
It’s late. Everybody’s hammered.
That’s when the pagers go off. All of them.
Captain walks along the bar, checking eyes and hands.
Rico’s got our keys, so he’s not drunk like the rest of us.
“Go,” says the captain, and he reports the rest of us Not Available.
After the funeral, we went to Jimmy’s.
This is Rico’s helmet.
Go ahead. Tap it.
Of Industry
After graduating from Harvard, Arthur became a very successful businessman, and grew his company into legendary size.
But despite his success, he never gave a dollar to Harvard, refusing to meet representatives from the Alumni Fundraising Committee.
Only after he died did he leave money to his alma mater, along with a note:
“Harvard is where captains of industry such as myself are created. Why create more competition? So, I gave money to state colleges to educate the corporals and cannon fodder of industry I needed to hire.”
The alumni representative shrugged, crumpled up the note, and deposited the check.
Collapse
Everybody thought that the economy was recovering, but the biggest bank in the country collapsed.
But it wasn’t like all the other banks collapsing.
It literally collapsed.
Not financially. Those numbers were sound.
The bank itself. The building.
Collapsed.
Bricks, glass, drywall, and everything in the building collapsed into a pile, and a plume of dust filled the air for blocks around.
All the bankers showed up to work, scratched their heads, and then went to the bank next door.
That bank had collapsed financially, so the offices were empty.
It was a tight squeeze.
But they made it work.