Muso

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Andrew Ian Dodge ponders the life of a musician and why one gets into music:

I was thinking today about being a musician and having a band. It struck me that the old adage is really rather true. You start a band to get laid. No matter how much we prattle on about wanting to “express ourselves;” its all crap. Not that there is anything wrong with this, but I do rather tire of twits like that knob out of Coldplay going on about doing music to “change the world”. I am sure one of the reasons most musos jump at charity causes is because of guilt. Very few give a damn about the cause.

I find it all highly amusing.

Sammy was the Sole Survivor

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Five kilometers past Strayhorn Reef was where the map said the lost freighter exploded and sank.
Bits and pieces of the vessel littered the ocean floor, if 2-ton glowing chunks of iron and steel could be described as a bit or piece.
The only survivor of the wreck was a one-legged parrot. All it said was “Sammy!”
The investigators tried to coax more out of the parrot, using crackers and peanuts, but all it ever said was “Sammy!”
Divers went down, but never came up. Even when tagged, their signal would vanish.
And so did they.
“Sammy!” shrieked the parrot.

Galloway’s Fatwah

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Andrew Ian Dodge tells of Galloways booting from the Big Brother house…

George Galloway, late of the Big Brother house and his booed exit, will not only learn that the Serious Fraud Office is after his arse, but those to whom he considers himself a saviour. It seems there has been a serious backlash amoungst Muslims about his antics in the BB house. In fact one group. The Saved Sect has launched a fatwa against him; claiming he is “an animal” and claimed he is “a man of low intellect and morality.” Well, I never, something we can agree with radical Islamists on. Who’d a thunk it? I mean really…odd innit?

Maybe he will be going to the Big House next?

Scenario D

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“Scenario D,” said a voice.
Darkness everywhere, his ears ringing.
Was he indoors? Outdoors?
Ed thumbed the switch on the flashlight.
Dead.
He twisted off the top, rattled out the batteries, and felt for the poles.
He put the flashlight back together, and flicked the switch again.
Still dead.
Ed felt around the ground, but it felt somewhere between concrete and pavement.
No ambient noise. The ringing.
“HELLO!” he yelled.
No echo. Or…
“HELLO!”
The ringing wasn’t helping.
He got down on the ground and crawled around Scenario D for what seemed like hours.
“My name is Ed,” he mumbled.

Can Tory

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Andrew’s got a new story for you to enjoy… ready?
Here we go!

In the Telegraph yesterday there was an interesting leader pointing out the electoral change in fortunes for the Canadian Conservative party.
On Monday, David Cameron wrote in this newspaper of the massive electoral mountain that the Tories had to climb. His Canadian counterparts have scaled a much higher peak. Their success is worth studying.
At a recent meeting I asked Michael Gove MP if he were looking at the Canadian Conservatives for pointers. He said: “no I am not an anorak and am not interested in their elections. They have nothing to show us.” This attitude should be rather worrying…

Yeah!

Rat Killer

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Each operative was named for a letter of the alphabet. As one died, each agent shifted a letter and a new agent took the name of A.
Nobody retired.
Headquarters sent out a Rat Alert. “D has turned. Kill.”
Z took the assignment. The Z always killed Rats.
A week later in Nairobi, Z pulled the trigger.
Perfect shot.
“Rat killed,” reported Z.
“That was F,” said Headquarters. “Don’t you remember the promotions last month?”
Z looked over the body. “Oops.”
Y hunted him down in Finland.
“Why?” said Z, dying.
“Not Y,” said Y. “My name is Z now.”

Asteroids

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Hey, Andrew Ian Dodge! How’s the Moonbat scene up there in Fogtown?

Yesterday the following email for my band G.o.D. came into my in-head PDA/phone system.”We, the Astoroid Protection League protest the exploitation of asteroids. We deplore the actions of the Simon Asteroid Mining Company and call on all Asteroidalists to take direct action against the violation of mother universe. “ It continues: “asteroids are not there for the exploitation of man but are there to spread good-will around the universe.” Then there was a paragraph blaming this all on the Zionists of the Moon and George Bush X111. It concludes with a warning that we might just be harming unknown life.

Sounds like there’s some space cadets lurking the Underground these days. Gonna make this into a song?

No Exit

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Toby spent all afternoon eating popcorn, peanuts, and cotton candy at the county fair.
Watching the clowns tumble and joke under the big top, the midway feast now wanted out.
As she ran for the exit, a spotlight shone on her and the ringmaster grabbed her hand.
“Let me go,” she said.
“Ever rode a horse?” he said, grinning. “I’m hung like one.”
The crowd roared, the world spun, and Toby heaved up everything she’d ever eaten.
She woke up in a pile of hay, covered with clown makeup.
The ringmaster turned out to be hung more like a shrimp.

Liver

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Despite the best efforts of the best doctors in the world, Jenny needed a new liver. I’d give her mine, but it wasn’t enough of a match.
For a million dollars, Rico said he could get one that would be a perfect match.
I sold everything and gave the money to Rico.
It was barely enough.
Within hours, a medical cooler was being rushed to the hospital. In it was Jenny’s new liver.
The hospital paged the transplant team, and they all rushed in.
Except for the lead surgeon. He’d already arrived in the morgue hours ago.
Without a liver.

Loony

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Andrew Ian Dodge has a story about the politics in the UK…

As I probably said before politics in the UK are getting rather odd. First we have Lib-Dems going into rapid meltdown; as first they lose an alky leader only to lose a leadership candidate with a penchant for scat. Not to be outdone the Tories are rapidly convincing everyone they aren’t Conservatives. They have done this so well that Rupert Murdoch has expressed his doubts in Cameron. Murdoch doesn’t like Blair either. We can expect the Sun’s headline next election to be They’re all rubbish! Vote Raving Loony! Alas Screaming Lord Sutch isn’t around to lead his party to victory!

Ah, yes. Too bad that every party here in the US is filled with loonies.
Greedy loonies.